Why Old Friends Keep You Poor... | Spotify Video Exclusive
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How can shedding unsupportive friends lead to personal growth?
I have shed friends every season of my life.
What does Alex mean by growth versus change?
My close circle has always been very, very small.
Are relationships inherently transactional?
Very, very small. Very, very small.
What price must one be willing to pay for success?
Very small.
Non-existent.
How can honesty in relationships influence personal development?
I also feel like I grow really quickly because I don't hold onto things long. The moment something doesn't provide me value, I shed it.
Why is it important to surround yourself with rare individuals?
I think about my life in three to five year seasons. First, I was a high school womanizer for the most part, and then I was also like really deeply angry. I had high school friends that when I left high school, I basically stopped being in contact with them. And then I had my come to Jesus where my dad was like, you suck as a human. You have a terrible reputation. Maybe you should stop being who you are. Cleaned up my act. I stopped drinking nearly as much as I was. I started going to school and studying 12 hours a day, present in the fraternity. And that was my college season. And I had college friends. And then when I left college, I pretty much stopped being in contact with anyone that I went to college with.
What are the consequences of holding onto past friendships?
Most people suck at most things and aren't bound for greatness because of who they are and the choices they're willing to make. The stories about friends leaving the hometown and no longer remember where they're from is one that is told by society because society is the majority. The majority of people get left behind. If you look at the things that you want to get in life, there's a price for them. You don't buy everything you see in the mall. Why not? Because you don't want to pay the price. Just because you might think that a shirt or jacket is cool, just because you think an outcome is awesome, you might not be willing to make the trade. Winners and losers have the same goals. The goal doesn't make you unique.
How do you identify which relationships are worth maintaining?
It's the willingness to pay the price that makes you unique. Because I'm like, everyone wants to be rich. One of the reasons that I cut people out sooner than most is because I do not like the labels that they speak over me. One of the big things with identity is the labels that we say about ourselves. I am X. I am impatient. I am angry. I am whatever, right? I am poor. I don't like saying it.
People in your past have the identity that they know you as, and then they will speak and they will beat that label into you because you're not matching their pattern. Why have you changed? You are X, you are Y, and you're trying to not be that because you're doing something different than changing.
You're growing, but they see it as change. And that's why the best response in the world to someone who says, hey, you've changed is to say, yeah, you haven't. The amount you like or love someone is directly proportional to what you are willing to give up to maintain the relationship. For example, if there's a piece of shit car, right, and you work on it all the time, you might say, that guy must really love it because of how much time he puts into that thing. This guy must really love his country because he's willing to give his life for it. What are you willing to give in exchange to maintain the relationship? If you're not willing to give up basically anything to maintain the relationship, then how much do you love them?
I think it's been a very helpful filter for me to say, not do I love my friends, but which friends do I love the most? Which friends am I willing to sacrifice the most to keep the relationship? And I am a big believer in utility. There is an exchange in every relationship. You get something and they get something back. People don't like the idea that relationships are transactional, but they are. Transactional just has a commercial vibe to it. But if we just think about it as from a behavior standpoint, you've got two things that can happen. A behavior is reinforced, or it is punished. That's it. When you have exchanges, quite literally, with people, those exchanges are either reinforced or they're punished.
Part of the strength of the relationship is how long you're willing to wait for the next time that relationship is reinforced. If you have a long history of positive experiences with a person, you're willing to wait a longer period of time if they're going through a breakup, they're having a hard time, to keep the relationship going.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How can shedding unsupportive friends lead to personal growth?
0:00–0:03
2
What does Alex mean by growth versus change?
0:03–0:06
3
Are relationships inherently transactional?
0:06–0:09
4
What price must one be willing to pay for success?
0:09–0:13
5
How can honesty in relationships influence personal development?
0:13–0:19
6
Why is it important to surround yourself with rare individuals?
0:19–0:51
7
What are the consequences of holding onto past friendships?
0:51–1:26
8
How do you identify which relationships are worth maintaining?
1:26–8:37