The Genius Life
545: America’s Top Divorce Lawyer on the Real Reason Couples Fall Apart | James Sexton
26 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What insights does James Sexton share about relationships?
What's going on, everybody? It's episode 545 of The Genius Life. Let's go.
The Genius Life.
What's going on, everybody? I'm your host, Max Lugavere, and today's conversation is one that I've been genuinely excited to share.
My guest is James Sexton, elite divorce attorney to billionaires and celebrities, bestselling author, and an internet phenomenon whose YouTube interviews rack up millions of views because he has this rare ability to say something about love that feels both brutally true and weirdly comforting at the same time.
His insights on relationships, connection, and how to tell when a partnership has actually run its course are honestly exquisite. This is a wide-ranging, deeply human conversation about why smart, successful people so often fail at relationships, how disconnection actually happens, why marriage can give us a dangerous illusion of safety, and how love...
grief, impermanence, and even pets can teach us how to stay connected. We talk about why criticism corrodes intimacy, why preventative maintenance beats grand gestures, and why despite everything he's seen, James believes in love more than ever.
It's thoughtful, funny, occasionally uncomfortable, and if you're in a relationship, have been in one, or hope to be in one, this episode will surely hit. If you find value in this conversation, take two seconds to follow the show, leave a rating and review on your podcast app of choice, and
and share this episode with someone you care about because honestly, most people probably will benefit from hearing this conversation. And now with all that out of the way, here's episode 545. Let's rock. James Sexton at long last.
Yeah, we've been trying to make this happen for a while.
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Chapter 2: How can disconnection affect relationships?
after 20 something years of watching the wheels come off of people's relationships and having a really honest conversation with them, as you have to have when you're a lawyer, I realized, like, you know, you can figure out a lot about how to keep things together by watching how they fall apart. And that's really how the book happened. And I never really saw this chapter of of my life coming.
Like, I never imagined that, you know, post 50 I would suddenly be in a where I'm not representing celebrities only. Now I'm like stopped on the street and people know me. And it's amazing. It's an amazing thing. It brings me into conversation with people like you, people who I've listened to and admired and enjoyed. And it's great. It's a real blessing. I feel like very lucky to be here.
We were talking off camera about briefly Ray LaMontagne. You're like, Ray LaMontagne, he was working in a shoe factory before he realized this hidden talent.
Right, right. And once he came into our line of sight, you're like, this guy's a genius. He's a poet. He's incredible.
Chapter 3: What role does preventative maintenance play in love?
I remember the first time I heard the album Trouble. just being gutted. Jolene, like, I mean, a man needs something he can hold on to. A nine pound hammer or a woman like you, like, whoa, like, oh, like, who writes that? Like, I'm almost mad that you wrote that, that you could come up with that, you know? Like,
And then, you know, until the Sun Turned Black came out and I was like, OK, it's even better, you know. So, yeah, I mean, to know that that dude was working in a shoe factory or Chuck Palahniuk was working in a factory before he wrote Fight Club. Like, you just think to yourself, like, who else is out there? You know, who just dropped off your Amazon package?
You know, because they might be like literally the next brilliant person. You know, it's amazing.
Well, what do you think it is about, I mean, obviously you're so good at what you do, but what do you think it is about like the populace, about our collective need for this kind of insight that has led to, that has opened the door for you to explode to the degree that you have?
I think people are hungry for something I'm giving them. And so I think about that question of like, what is it we're hungry for? Because I'm satisfying some appetite that people have because it's, you know, I'll say, but I'll tell you the truth. I'm always shocked by it.
Like, a couple of weeks ago, I said something about how I don't understand why people in romantic relationships feel like they have to sleep in the same bed. And it got like 8.6 million views and tens of thousands of comments. And I never thought that was that great And it was, people were very, you know, some people were like, oh my God, preach. Like, why would you sleep in the same bed?
Like, it's like you starfish out. It feels so much better. And then other people are like, are you kidding me? Like, it's so good for my relationship that we have that like time together in the den, all tucked in. Just the fact that it's sparked this conversation is so interesting because I think we are hungry for this topic. It's a great equalizer.
Like whatever your political views, whatever your dietary preferences, whatever your exercise preferences, whatever you do for a living, we all want love and connection. We all start, if we get married, we all start the marriage with the same, I want this to be forever. I want this to work.
Like, you know, one of the things that drew me to divorce work was the same thing that drew me to Brazilian jujitsu, which is it's very hard to be full of crap in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. It either works or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, you get choked. So you can pretend you're really good at it, but you're gonna find out real quick if you're good at it or not.
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Chapter 4: How can we learn from the failures of relationships?
And so if you said to someone, why didn't you stay connected? Why didn't you do these little things? Most of the time, the answer would be, I didn't know until we were, like I didn't know I was getting lost until I was lost. Like if I'd known I was getting lost, I would have stopped driving and figured out I'm lost. Like by the time I realized where I was, I had no idea.
Like falling feels like flying for a little while. And then you hit the ground. So it's like, oh, this feels good. This feels good. This is all right. I'm good. And then all of a sudden it's like, wait, what? And now it's too late. And so I don't think it's that we see it and don't care enough. I think it's that we just think, oh, I got that now. I'm covered now.
And I don't have to worry about it anymore. Because there's enough stuff to worry about. Like there's enough stuff that needs your attention. It feels great to be like, oh, I don't have to worry about that anymore.
I feel like it's sort of hardwired into the human condition that it becomes, it's difficult if not impossible to maintain an appreciative relationship with something that's just always around.
Yeah.
You know, like I was really psyched to buy this couch. Yeah. I was waiting on bated breath for the couch to arrive. I got the couch for the first couple of weeks. I was enamored with the couch. And I was just a freaking couch.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we don't know who discovered water, but it wasn't a fish, right? Like the things that you're around all day, you stop seeing them. You know, you just, they're just there. It's just your couch. Like your car for like a minute, you know, for a week, a month, whatever, you're stoked about your car. It's just a car. And it's just your car.
Like it just becomes your car. You don't... But there are some things in our life that aren't like that. And I think that can be a teacher. Like, you know, you have a lovely cat, Delilah. I had the pleasure of meeting you. How long have you had Delilah? Ten years. Okay. Do you ever find yourself going... I gotta get a kitten. It's fucking 10 years, this thing is like, good Lord.
Like kittens are so cute and this one's been around forever. It doesn't really do anything more or different. No, right? Like you're more and more in love with that cat every day. And the smell of that cat and the feel of that cat and the exact spot you know exactly where to pet that cat and the way that it does exactly, but like all of the, they get richer
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Chapter 5: How can we signal more good faith and connection in our relationships?
Anyone listening to this right now can just make a decision for the balance of the day, whatever time of day it is. I'm just going to slightly modify how I interact with my partner in a way that just signals more good faith and more connection and less criticism. And again, I'm not saying tolerate terrible behavior.
I think there's times where people have to be, but again, there's even a way to do it, you know, and I've talked about that before. Like you can, you know, you can manipulate your partner in positive ways. Like, you know, you don't, if you say to someone, you know, we're not having sex as much as we used to. Common complaint in long-term relationships. That invites defensiveness.
Well, yeah, you're not around as much. You're working all the time. Well, I'm working all the time because you spend all the money. Well, I'm spending money because I'm other. Okay. I love feeling connected to you. I love, I miss the smell of you. I love when we get to spend some time together. Okay, now we're already, I'm coming from a point of connection rather than a point of criticism.
I'm pointing out what it is that, I'm praising the opposite, right? Instead of saying, why aren't you doing this? I'm saying, God, when you do this, it's so good. I love that about you. Like, we should do that more, you know, like, man, if if I if I haven't made time for that and that's where we're at, like, I'm really sorry because, boy, it's so important to me.
Like, who?
Who's not going to jump on that? Who's not going to be like, okay, I'm in. Like the story I've said before is that, you know, I shave every day for work.
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Chapter 6: What are the common pitfalls in long-term relationships?
You know, I don't get to have like, oops, I didn't know I was sexy stubble. You're rocking. So I have to like.
Is that a six feet underline?
It is. Oh my God, you got that. I've been saying it forever and nobody gets it. Love that show. We're kindred spirits. It's like one of my favorites. We have all the same art. Dude, I love that show.
I bet you I'm the first person to have ever picked that out.
You are the first person to ever, and I say it constantly. Yeah, David to Nate. Yeah, he goes, you know, if you're David, you should change that coffee into a dinner if you want the oops, I didn't know it was sexy stubble to grow out. That's the line in it. And it was, how long ago is that show?
God bless Alan Ball and Six Feet Under.
One of my favorite shows of all time.
Best show of all time.
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Chapter 7: How can couples reverse a downward spiral in their relationship?
Of all time.
And that, if I watch the last 10 minutes of the last episode, I still cry every time.
You, other than me, are the first person I've ever heard say that.
Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, we said it in No Sexy Stubble. I say it all the time. I actually get a lot of mileage out of that joke. And no one has ever got that line. It's amazing. We are kindred spirits. We're going to be. I feel like that was like in Step Brothers, like, do we just become best friends? Yep. You know? Yeah. I mean, but the truth is, like, I have to shave every day.
And on the weekends, I try not to. Because it's just kind of a pain in the ass to shave. And I was dating a girl and she had sensitive skin. And every time I would kiss her, she would be like, oh yeah, you have so much stubble, like your beard's so scratchy.
And in my head, like I understood where she was coming from, but like in my head, I was like, you know, like now I got to shave on the weekends too when I'm going to see you. And by the way, like you kind of should be happy I'm kissing you. Like, it's kind of nice that I kissed your neck. Like, I'm sorry that I had stubble, but like, you know, and I have to shave every day.
And now I get to do this on weekends too. That relationship didn't work out. That wasn't the reason why, but it didn't work out. Next relationship, she had the same issue, different woman, same issue, but she went about it differently.
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Chapter 8: What is the core message of love and connection?
She, whenever I would shave, would come up to me and go like, oh God, you're like so hot when you shave. You're like Don Draper in Mad Men. Like, I love it. Dude, I shaved like three times a day. Like anytime I was going to see her, I'd be like, oh shit, I'm going to shave. I would go and like shave. And then I'd be like, oh yeah, I just shaved because you were coming over.
She'd be like, oh, I love it. They both needed the same thing, but one of them parsed it as a positive, as a point of connection, as here's a way you can turn me on, here's a way you can make me happy that's so easy, as opposed to a criticism. And think about all the things in your relationships
not even just romantic relationships, in your interpersonal relationships, if you're a manager, in your employee relationships, all the ways you can leverage the human desire for praise, connection, love, affection, rather than beating the crap out of people and criticizing them and making them feel disconnected from you and making them feel unloved by you and disconnected from you.
Yeah, I've been in relationships where the person that I was with would make these little microjabs. They're not like overt aggressions, but they're, I guess, like small criticisms. That in the moment might not seem like that much, but it becomes like Chinese water torture. It's terrible.
It's death by a thousand paper cuts. And you know what's funny about it, too, is... we not only excuse it, we almost kind of encourage it. Like I've seen couples when they're out with like other couples and they just start like taking the piss out of each other. Like, oh, well, he always does that. No, I don't. Okay. You know?
And you're like, dude, like not only if you were alone, that'd still be a problem. but now we're doing it with an audience? And by the way, do you think I'm looking at you guys as a couple now and going, oh, that's good. We've got something good going on there. I look at that and I'm like, wow, are you guys okay? We're here, you know that, right? We can hear you, the mute's not on.
But I think that it's become sort of, You know, it's become acceptable. It's become encouraged. I mean, there is so much content boys versus girls on the internet right now. Like I can't tell you how many clips of me taken out of context where I say something about men or something about women. And usually if you listen to the whole thing,
I say, well, you know, men have a tendency to blah, blah, blah. And women, you know, in response, da, da, da. And if you just take one piece of it, it sounds like I'm anti, like a misandrist or misogynist. The clips that sound misandrist or misogynist are by far the most viral. This boys versus girls game is so popular on TikTok and Reels and all these things. It is so popular. Because
Either people are like, yes, queen, or they're like, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. And by the way, to the machine, to the algorithm, it's just engagement. Whether you're saying I love that or I hate that, it's engagement. So the best clips from an algorithm standpoint, popularity standpoint, from the machine's point of view, is how many comments did it get?
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