It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
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What is the key message this episode aims to deliver?
What if I told you that the thing you so deeply desire, a loving relationship, financial freedom, your best body, isn't actually what you really want, and that the way you've been trying to get that thing might be the very reason you don't have it yet? I've spent 35 years of figuring this out through my own personal journey of unraveling my patterns and looking within and examining myself and also professionally working with tens of thousands of clients over the last 25 years as a psychotherapist and coach. And while that may sound like an exaggeration, I'm old and I've been doing this a long time working with men, women, couples, and groups. So I've been deep in the trenches and I have countless hours of conversations and sessions to know what I know. So I'm glad that you're here because in the next seven to 10 minutes, I'm going to give you the shortcut that I wish someone had handed me. And it's really going to spare you a lot of time, heartache, and even money. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We all do this.
Why do we chase external validation?
We think, I'll believe it when I see it. How many times have you heard that in your life? And maybe even said those exact words. We think that we can really only believe something is true when there is visual, tangible evidence to support us believing it. It's like we need proof before we can accept it as true. It's kind of like, if this happens, then I'll believe, or when that happens, then I'll believe. We delay the belief until we have some kind of proof or evidence that it's okay to believe it. And so it sounds like this. I'll be happy when, I'll feel reassured when, if this happens, then I'll feel good enough. So what ends up happening is that we chase after the things that we think will provide what it is we seek to feel or believe about ourselves. We chase love
thinking that someone else's affection means we are lovable and worthy and deserving of love. I'll believe I'm lovable once someone loves me. I'll believe I'm likable when someone likes me. I'll believe I'm desirable when someone desires me. We chase beauty, hoping that if we look a certain way, we'll finally feel good enough and deserving of attention. I will believe I'm beautiful when someone notices or compliments me. We chase success, achievements, accomplishments, and external goals of all kinds, or even accolades, believing that the next one will finally be the thing that makes us feel worthy. I will believe I'm smart enough, deserving, or capable of success only once I've achieved it. None of this is in our conscious mind.
It is pretty much all unconscious. But it makes sense then. that these things become so very important and urgent because of what it means about us when we get it and sadly, what it means about us if we don't. But this makes us completely powerless to feel how we want to feel and believe what we so desperately want to believe about ourselves. We are reliant upon other people waiting for situations or circumstances and all these other things that are beyond our control to happen so that it can provide that reassurance for us, that evidence for us. So I used to do these intense fitness classes and HIIT workouts, and I pushed myself so hard to go all out and run as fast as I could or do the whole thing and not take a rest.
How does childhood impact our desire for success and approval?
Eventually, those workouts began to backfire and were no longer serving me but injuring me and my fitness level plateaued. And what I came to realize is that all this hardcore stuff that I was doing was to prove to myself that I'm able to, that I'm fit enough, that I can do these hard things, and that I'm a badass. I wasn't really competitive with anyone else, but with myself.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the key message this episode aims to deliver?
0:00–1:28
2
Why do we chase external validation?
1:28–3:54
3
How does childhood impact our desire for success and approval?
3:54–5:33
4
Why is desperation counterproductive to achieving goals?
5:33–7:41
5
How can self-acceptance improve personal outcomes?
7:41–13:24
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