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Chapter 1: What is the main topic of mismatch in physical affection?
This is a Triple J podcast. When our bids are not met and not met in a way that feels good to us, we stop making those bids and we stop responding to the other person's bids for connection as well.
Hey, it's Dee here for the Hookup Podcast and we talk all things love, sex, dating and relationships. And if you haven't already heard it, we did an episode on Tuesday about PDA, public displays of affection. And we found out that heaps of you have dated someone where there's been a mismatch in showing affection and love through physical touch.
So, you know, whether that was a partner being all over you, kissing, cuddling and touching you in public around friends or even strangers and you feeling smothered or uncomfortable by it or potentially you're on the opposite end where you felt like you were craving physical touch but your partner never gives you anything or if they did, they'd only ever do it in private and you felt ashamed that they didn't act the same way in public.
Some of you even said you have broken up over this mismatch in physical affection. So we wanted to get an expert in to help you out and give you some advice if you're dealing with this right now and find out where the reluctance of physical affection comes from. Is it something that you just have learned from your childhood? I also wanted to find out if it's something that can be worked on.
Is it something that you can compromise on in a relationship? and how to actually manage that and have conversations. So to do that with me now is relationship counselor and sexologist, Isaiah McKimmy. Isaiah, thank you so much for coming back on The Hookup.
Always a pleasure. Thanks, Dee.
So yeah, a lot of us don't get touchy-feely when it comes to relationships. And in our PDA episode, we found out that 73% of people have experienced a mismatch in PDA in their relationships, which is such a big number of people. Does that stat surprise you? And have you had any clients come to you about this issue?
You know, it doesn't surprise me. The most common issue that couples see me for as a couples therapist and sexologist is a mismatch in desires around sex and very often just an overall mismatch in how they like to be touched, how much they like to be touched is part of that as well. So it doesn't surprise me at all.
What are some of the reasons why someone might not like physical touch or be into it?
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Chapter 2: How common is a mismatch in public displays of affection?
I mean, upbringing and culture can have a huge impact. So if someone doesn't grow up in an environment where they get touch and they get safe touch and loving touch, it's going to be really hard for them later in life. So we might see someone who's a little bit more avoidant. You know, because they've learned to self-soothe, can find touch really difficult.
Also, if someone has experienced unwanted touch or painful touch or traumatic touch, then they're also going to have a reaction to that. You know, it might also be because of neurodiversity as well or certain things that have built up through someone's life.
Do you think that there's a bit of a hierarchy as I aware, like physical love, if we think about all the different love languages, right? Like someone in a relationship might not be that affectionate physically, but they show up for you all the time or they do a lot of acts of service.
Do you think that physical touch is kind of valued a bit more and people see that as like a real sign of love over other things?
Look, we are wired for touch as human beings. We know that it is an important part of our development and that this is something that is a really, really common need and desire for so many people. Whereas some other ways of showing love might be a little bit more dependent on that particular person and their particular culture. But we know that touch is a human need. It's a need for almost
all mammals.
How can it affect you like for people who love physical touch in a relationship but aren't getting it? Why can that be so impactful for them? Is it kind of like it feels like rejection?
Yeah, absolutely. Feels like rejection because it is a way that we can self suit. Well, it's a way that we can co-regulate. and soothe emotions as well to be in physical proximity. And again, when we're not getting that, we can feel like we're being rejected. We can feel alone. Cortisol and stress levels can go up. We can be more likely to experience depression and anxiety.
Touch can be really, really healthy for us.
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Chapter 3: What psychological factors influence physical touch preferences?
And I'm always going to feel uncomfortable with this. And I kind of feel like I'm giving up on myself or parts of myself by trying to change this. I think then we have to question whether we're going to be compatible long term.
What's your advice if you feel the rejection of it, right? Like if you feel like time and time again, I'm doing these bids for affection. I go to hold my partner's hand in public. They pull it away or I go to give them a kiss and they kind of pull back or they get uncomfortable. How do you deal with being on the receiving end of that and just feeling like they're not attracted to me?
I'm feeling really rejected in this relationship and it's almost making you feel uncomfortable. Like, yeah, you want to stop those bids of affection and shut down a bit.
And that's the thing that happens with bids for connection. When our bids are not met and not met in a way that feels good to us, we stop making those bids and we stop responding to the other person's bids for connection as well. So that's a cycle that has a really real possibility where there's a mismatch.
I think, firstly, whenever we feel a sense of rejection, it is always important to remind ourselves that we are OK. This doesn't mean something about who we are as a person. There might be things that are going on for this other person or they might not... feel for us in the same way. But again, it doesn't change who we are or our worth or our value as people.
And then I think really it is the question of through conversation, can we reach understanding around this? Can I feel like I'm wanted and desired and loved and supported by that person in other ways?
Or is there just an underlying kind of pervasive sense in this relationship that this is not my person, not someone that's there for me, not someone that can meet my needs and give me the kind of support that I need to be okay?
I had a friend once when, and I spoke about this in the other episode, but when she had been with her partner for a long time, right? I think it was like 10 years. And when my partner and I first started dating, because I feel like maybe at the start you're in the honeymoon phase and so you do want to touch each other a lot.
And when she would hang out with her partner and me and my partner, she would feel really insecure and it brought up a lot of feelings for her because she was like, my partner never touches me. How do you deal with those feelings of comparison, right?
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