When Someone Insults You, Ask Them This
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Why are the best communicators defined by the questions they ask, not by quick comebacks?
I hate to break it to you. The best communicators are not the ones with the best comebacks, the most pithy responses. Best communicators are the ones who ask the best questions. Do you know how hard it is to find the right question? Anybody can have an answer. Anybody can just toss up something, even if it's not true. But a question. Finding the right question Takes time. And it takes skill. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Today I'm going to make you a better communicator right now because I'm going to teach you how to ask better questions when somebody is insulting, when somebody is offending, when somebody is pushing against you. I'm going to teach you tools right here, quick and dirty, on the same type of communication questions that attorneys use, that I use in depositions, cross-examination.
There is a whole technique, a whole world of questions that I bet you didn't even know. And today we're going to talk about it. Also, would you do me a favor if this podcast, as you listen along, says you think, hey, this is something that somebody else would benefit from, would you do me a favor? If you care about that person, will you just send them this podcast? Will you share it with them? Thank you very much. Questions. It's hard questions. There's that old I don't know if it's Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, something like that. I think it's I think it's Lincoln. If they said uh if I had two hours to chop down a tree, I would spend the first like hour and a half. I'm taking very I'm taking a lot of uh liberties with this one.
They'd spend like the first hour and a half just sharpening their axe. That's what that what's that that's what finding the right question is. Answering easy. Responding easy. Question asking is a skill. I I'll I'll be the first to admit. My son I've d I've done this my whole life. Truly. I even know my I can tell my kids to do this. Um And maybe you n you know somebody like this, where if somebody's driving down the road and they go, Oh, I wonder what that is, you go, Oh, well, I think that's you know, that's for actually, you know, if you look at the sun, you can tell and you start kind of I can't I'll just invent an answer. If somebody asks me what this does, I I start answering my best guess. And thankfully, Sierra will be like, you don't know.
I'll be like, no, I don't know. But I gave it a try. Anyone can just it it doesn't take any skill, okay, to give any answer. It takes skill to ask the right question. Communicators, attorneys, Especially in deposition format, when you are asking questions, how you ask it matters a lot. Number one, the first thing I want you to recognize are clarity questions. Okay. Clarity questions. What does this mean when somebody is trying to offend you in some way or somebody pushing against you? That's why I'd prefer that. Let's somebody pushing against you. Clarifying questions are critical. Now you'd say, Oh, well, you know, I I know what clarifying questions are, Jefferson. It's like, uh, what do you mean? Yeah, that's true.
That that is one. Most people don't use it like that though. People think cl when I clarify, they begin like this. Okay, just to be clear, you know, you're telling me and you ever used that before? Somebody says something to you and you go, Okay. Just just to be clear, and you start to comment. Hey. Just as a heads up, that that's not a question. That's that's a conclusion. That's hidden. In the form of a question. It's not a real question. It's as you trying to position, uh, anchor to be able to say, okay, let me just get this straight, buddy. Let me go.
How do clarifying questions slow down an argument and keep the conversation focused?
That's not really a clarifying question. Clarifying question, there are different types, what we call open-ended questions. Open ended questions are ones that don't assume an answer. Okay. Here's here's what I uh Assuming the answer versus not assuming the answer. Assuming the answer says, Hey, didn't you go to the store yesterday? Or Um hey, how was it at the The the meeting yesterday. You you were upset about the meeting. versus, hey, where did you go yesterday? What did you do yesterday?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why are the best communicators defined by the questions they ask, not by quick comebacks?
0:00–3:32
2
How do clarifying questions slow down an argument and keep the conversation focused?
3:32–6:15
3
What distinguishes open‑ended clarifying questions from leading or concluding statements?
6:15–9:20
4
How can questions of intent reveal a speaker’s true motive behind an insult?
9:20–12:07
5
Why should you flip a harsh statement into a ‘Did you mean…?’ question?
12:07–15:48
6
What are ‘no‑oriented’ questions and how do they help you get a desired answer?
15:48–18:56
7
How does the ‘question of reasonability’ make the other person look unreasonable if they disagree?
18:56–22:45
8
What practical steps can I use right now to de‑escalate insults and keep the dialogue calm?
22:45–22:51