The Luke and Pete Show

Teeth Swap

10 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Luke and Pete tackle life’s big questions: how much money would it take to make them disappear forever? A hundred quid would sort one of them...

Pretgate

07 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Happy Monday - it’s time for some more carefully curated nonsense. Luke recounts a bizarre standoff he had in Pret involving a truly odd policy #Jus...

Primary School Bangers™

03 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Pete's latest predicament: finding appropriate places to urinate. Mainly because he's drinking upwards of nine litres of water a day.We work out how b...

Poo Time Panic

31 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Luke and Pete stumble upon a truly baffling real estate listing — a London flat with a full-size swimming pool directly above a Chinese takea...

Flight of Doom

27 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Pete’s gearing up for a deeply inconvenient 5 a.m. Jet2 flight, and Luke isn’t holding back on how much of a terrible idea that is. This sends the...

Switch B*tch

24 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, we take a deep dive into Switch Bitch — Roald Dahl’s surprisingly adult collection of short stories — while Pete grapples with his confus...

An NYC Enema

20 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Pete’s got a confession: years ago, he went to New York for a wedding but ended up battling a truly catastrophic case of constipation. Cue a ...

Slot It!

17 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Luke wonders if he’s missing out on a lucrative career as a right-wing grifter, while Pete shares his latest YouTube algorithm nightmare — somehow...

Plasma profits

13 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the guys tackle the moral dilemma of a man who saved 2.4 million babies with his blood donations — should he have charged for his life-saving...

Thatchers & Rat Boys

10 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Luke and Pete are all moustached up, comparing their freshly grown 'tashes to thatched roofs, and somehow spiral into the baffling logistics of...

Turkey Teeth

06 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Pete’s growing paranoia about the state of the world has him wondering if it’s time to start prepping with a lifetime supply of beans. Meanwhile, ...

Piss Drawers

03 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads are back, kicking things off with the internet fallout they got from the horrific childhood story Pete told last week — turns out, Luke got...

The Vomit Vandal

27 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Luke encounters a mystery vandal targeting Lime bikes with an unusual weapon—vomit. Was it a protest? A bizarre art installation? Or just someone ha...

Unwanted Badge Inspection

24 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads kick things off with the great Nepo Baby debate—where does nepotism actually end, and is being the niece of Gruffalo author Julia Donaldson...

Condom Balloon Blunder

20 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Pete kicks things off with a deeply unsettling childhood memory—let’s just say it involves his dad, a used condom, and an innocent misunderstandin...

Montoya, POR FAVOR

17 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads dive into the absurdity of modern reality TV, breaking down the viral Temptation Island moment where one man, Montoya, processes betrayal thr...

NIMBYs and Conspiracists

13 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads kick off with their favourite internet cesspit—Nextdoor—where NIMBYs reign supreme, complaining about everything from faint giggles to mo...

Moist Moody Ostriches

10 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Luke reimagines Glastonbury, wondering why they’ve never done a live show there—until the conversation spirals into a full-blown business plan for...

Public Toilet Etiquette

06 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads kick things off with a deep dive into the world of shameless grifters, debating why right-wing outrage merchants always seem to dominate onli...

An ungodly sh*t

03 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Should the lads start wearing makeup? Luke thinks he always looks sickly on camera, while Pete suggests a few injections might do the trick. If that f...

Bonjour You C***

30 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The lads dive into Trump’s latest inauguration, debating whether keeping it indoors was a strategic move to dodge an embarrassingly small crowd, whi...

Pete's Hole Filler

27 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Pete’s buzzing about his latest gadget obsession, which Luke says is just filling “a hole in his soul.” Meanwhile, Luke takes a nostalgic dive i...

Give me a joke!

23 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever written a diss track about someone? What about someone who’s in the same band as you and is then forced to play that song every night ...

The Shoreditch Samurai

20 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

With a particular story dominating Pete’s consciousness this week, there’s only one place we could start: penis enlargement surgery. Happy Monday!...

Worrisome Little Chap

16 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the lads dive into the perplexing world of rattan furniture: What is it made of? Why is it so expensive? And why was Luke’s cat, Jasper, so o...

Donaldson Now Daddy

13 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It’s a chaotic start to the week as Pete confesses to accidentally installing a secret camera in an Airbnb, while Luke can’t resist another dig at...

Lukey in Lagos

09 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Pete can’t stop raving about WD40, while Luke ponders how parenting life has crushed his spontaneity. Then, the lads debate nap time efficien...

Mug Wars

06 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Donny shares how his infamous “C*** mug” kept making surprise appearances during adoption meetings, leading to a frantic mug switcheroo...

Hello 2025!

02 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Thanks to a LAPS in judgement regarding the use of protection spells, both Pete and Luke were cursed by the lurgy witch over Christmas, which means th...

Goodbye 2024!

30 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the lads put the piss in precipice as they bid farewell to 2024!Pete shares the tale of throwing his shoulder out while shadowboxing to impress...

Lads mags in particular

26 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Happy Boxing Day! Hope you and yours are having a smashing festive week - certainly more than a listener who emailed in with a shudderingly cringe Chr...

The best year of your life

23 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s been drooling all over himself on the train up to some important meetings - nice. Speaking of drooling (stay with us), Pete has some truly lo...

A sad epilogue to Luke’s festive tale

19 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

After inadvertently being poisoned by Pete, Luke finds the time to update us on his recent quest to deliver Christmas gifts to the bloke who owned his...

Luke saves Christmas!

16 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the lads unwrap the baffling Christmas tradition of ‘Hide the Pickle’, courtesy of a listener email. But the real showstopper? Luke can bar...

The Pemmican Diaries

12 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke and Pete endlessly trudge through snow, hail and the bodies of deceased pets to bring you another slice of precisely nothing. It's the Luke and P...

The Nugget Power Hour

09 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s an email special! We’re down to *only* thirty-three pages of unread emails, so let’s dive into the bulging postbag for a rummage around. We...

Plastic Fantastic

05 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Ever wondered how to future-proof your wardrobe? Simple: just buy the same two shirts in every single possible size, to account for life’s weight...

T’is the Season

02 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke rings in December with a festive jingle before Pete takes the reins dissecting Coca-Cola’s AI-driven Christmas ad, questioning why AI can’t j...

Barber or Shop Watcher?

28 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

In true Donny fashion, Pete kicks things off with his latest barber saga – complete with language barriers, dodgy clippers, and a room so hot you’...

Boybands, banishment and bangers

25 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Pete’s wrestling with a truly 'hypothetical' dilemma: if banished to the apology cabin by the partner he has access to, could he use his 3D p...

Dirty little car boys

21 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s back from a magical fly-fishing trip to Scotland, but not without drama—his plans were almost derailed by the dirtiest car boys in the game...

Jesus and his mitre saw

18 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today on the show, Pete’s getting a little too obsessed with his mitre saw, feeling all powerful like…hold up, Jesus? Are we hearing that right?Th...

Eighties Cool

14 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The lads kick off by confessing their celebrity crushes, starting strong with Denzel Washington before honourable mentions go to Mr Tumble - and, yes ...

Smack my crisp up

11 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete amazingly starts today’s show by revealing that he likes Monday mornings. So Luke comes to one conclusion… Pete is turning into Stewy Donalds...

Language Manipulator

07 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the lads take on the entertainment world, covering everything from Mr Tumble to Homeland, and how 80s TV stars keep walking into radio gigs. Lu...

Dinner with the boys

04 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, it’s an email special, and the lads dive right in. First, Pete gets a roasting from an accountant over his take on charity tax write-offs, wh...

Roof Witch

31 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The lads wish you a haunted Halloween, with Luke laying down the law: sweets are only for those who can prove they’re on remand.Meanwhile, Pete’s ...

The McRib comeback tour

28 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete's gone on a pilgrimage to savour a McRib but is stopped in his tracks by a man who not only calls him an "old boy" but invites him to join his cl...

Prostates and pensions

24 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete recoils as Luke shares the news of a group of Yorkshire men who’ve met for a pint every week for 56 years – reigniting Pete’s infamous comm...

Let's round this up

20 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This episode was supposed to be an email special but Pete got so animated about the idea of rounding up at the checkout when shopping that your m...

Frolicking in a bag of leaves

17 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Is Pete a frolicker? Why is he so obsessed with leaves? And are these things related to why he never pays his tax on time? Elsewhere the lads dis...

3D printing: Owl or nothing

14 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete has finally joined the ranks of 3D printing enthusiasts, but not without a bizarre encounter with a sketchy seller. While Luke assumes Pete’s g...

FB Marketplace purist

10 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s appalled to hear Donny uses Vinted and even more disgusted to hear he uses an InPost locker instead of getting the goods delivered to his hou...

DIY Dialysis

07 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, the lads declare themselves the Nigel Benn and Chris Eubank of podcasting as they dive into the world of WWE and chat about Netflix's new Vince...

Debase yourself for the dollar

03 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today’s most important question: would you flash your penis for £1?Plus, Pete’s got a new hyperfixation.Email: [email protected]&nbs...

Dog suicide bridge

30 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The lads relive their wild night at the London Palladium for Football Ramble LIVE - ever been so drunk you queued for your own toilet at home? That’...

Run up your ribs

26 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete pitches the idea of a Smiths reunion…with Lily Allen taking over as front woman in place of Morrissey, obviously. Meanwhile, Luke’s reached h...

#BritishCore

23 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete’s struggling to get on board with the latest #BritishCore trend, while Luke is entertained by the American fascination with the mundanity of Br...

Rockstar M.O.

19 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Is conceiving a lovechild still an acceptable form of rockstar behaviour? Luke rants about the patriarchy after Pete brings up the David Grohl scandal...

Aggressive lactating pigs

16 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s accidentally left his car unlocked but the only thing stolen was a pound coin for the shopping trolley. On the back of this, the la...

Bali or bust

12 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Donny considers joining a retreat for 'entrepreneurial' men in Bali after Luke suggests his true calling is becoming an influencer.Plus, Pete can't co...

A public toilet conspiracy

09 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever walked into a bathroom and accidentally cockblocked an orgy? Well, one listener is certain he did!In other news, Pete has fallen victim ...

Napoleonic erotica

05 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke crowns Disneyland as the people-watching capital of the world, but Pete just can’t see it. Instead, he wants to talk about how similar Giles Co...

So punk rock

02 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s ecstatic about the recent Oasis reunion announcement, declaring himself a “proper music fan,” while Pete couldn’t care less. Instead, D...

White Man Tacos

29 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete reveals his go-to breakup tactics, while Luke dives into the universal concept of every culture having its own version of a sandwich, igniting th...

Webmistress Day

26 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s baffled that Donny still buys paper train tickets, while Pete wonders if a wax ticket could get you into Madame Tussauds. After that, Pete di...

A Beavertown Summer

23 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke's leather shorts and Donny's Game of Thrones-style trip to Bratislava can mean only one thing - summer is here!In this special bonus episode, bro...

Gentleman Thief

22 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke and Pete trade horror stories about nature’s weapons of destruction after Alicia Silverstone has a run in with a toxic Jerusalem cherry. Then, ...

Raygun

19 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke gloats about his latest lime bike accomplishment but Pete is quick to bring him back down to earth, reminding him that, technically, he’s mecha...

Wet mouth

15 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

What’s more impactful, the death of the Queen or WWE? Has Trump been replaced with deep fake AI? And why can’t posh people fathom the concept of a...

Banana spider graveyard

12 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete eyes a new job as a CNBC reporter as he dives into the bizarre story of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s bear carcass incident… Meanwhile Luke confesses...

Fake mechanics and court cosplay

08 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Lukey considers a change in employment, and could you style out a week in a public-facing role, covered in lovely engine oil?Email: hello@lukeand...

Spunky summer

05 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete’s yearning for some salt liquorice Spunk but Luke can’t jump onboard. Elsewhere, Luke questions if Donny has what it takes to become a taxi m...

Testicals and toenails

01 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Donny wonders how long it would take to realise your ball sack was hanging out of your hot pants. Meanwhile, Luke tells the cautionary tale of pressur...

Euro train porno

29 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke declares his love for Mongolian throat singing as they discuss the weird but wonderful Nordic folk band, Heilung. Elsewhere, Pete is certain that...

What a time!

25 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Is laughing the most effective way to disarm one of the world’s biggest threats to democracy? The lads dive into American history, from the assassin...

Imodium diaries

22 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke’s crowned himself a born hustler after his recent forays into the world of Facebook Marketplace. Elsewhere, Pete tells us how his nan stole Chu...

Dr. Dodgy

18 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete tried to get his teeth whitened in Soho but was forced to watch James Bond instead… Luke’s certain that he did not go to a real dentist.Plus,...

Wall Fish Emporium

15 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

In an effort to out-alpha him, Pete's dog Sammy rubbed his empty ball sack on Pete’s head at 3am. Lola got involved too by pissing in the bed. But D...

The muse of all muses

11 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke likens Donny to Marlon Brando as Pete declares himself a muse of theatre. Luke then reflects on his amateur theatre days and questions why he was...

Ocean poop

08 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete ponders what compels a man to solo travel the Pacific Ocean. Meanwhile, Luke discusses his experience on a speed awareness course and says his bi...

Ball crushing stilettos

04 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke teaches hungover Pete how to impress people with his ability to convert celsius to fahrenheit. Meanwhile, Donny worries about the taxman and Luke...

Tops off, let's kiss

01 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke admits he finally gets the whole alcohol-free beer thing, while Pete starts a fight club the moment the partner he has access to goes on a girls ...

Orgasmic Hi-Fi

27 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Luke’s haunted by Mexican maracas and Pete doesn’t think ramming a cow with a police car is a big deal. Elsewhere, Luke brags about his...

Lamb lung pocket man

24 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Pete mourns the loss of Maplin Electronics and reminisces about his own retail experiences - a fraudulent, Billy Joel-obsessed boss include...

Hot Boss

20 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete reveals his secret obsession with weird influencers, from people who don't chew their food to those who love a bit of public role play in WeWorks...

Gay communist piss & the caffeine confessionals

17 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke and Pete confront their caffeine addictions before marvelling at the legend of Hammock Grandad. If Pete wants to match Grandad's record, he'd bet...

Organ Ponzi Scheme

13 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’re back with our lab coats on, as the lads attempt to devise new organ transplant procedures for the masses. Drawing ideas from The Human Centipe...

Dogs and deviants

10 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

From feral MPs to Angela Rayner’s son’s Only Fans, we’re talking UK politicians! It then turns into a discussion on why Donald Trump and his run...

Sewage Ghostbusters

06 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, the lads decide that the best secret superpower would be a weak sense of smell. They then discuss the increasing price of candles...

Grey w*nk pants

03 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Luke and Pete kick starts your Monday with a deep dive into UK politics. Discussing everything from the duality of John Prescott, MP Lee An...

Gangster Barack Obama

30 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Pete is certain that Pizza Hut is the home of good pizza - Luke strongly disagrees - which leads to a discussion about the etiquette of dis...

Kangaroo Boy

27 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete is talking about Ian Wright's ankle, again, and Luke tells Donny about the new show his mum is obsessed with.Plus, we have serious questions. Doe...

Gay Porno Look

23 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke tells us how he rocked his signature jorts back in the day while Pete realises that he may be approaching a midlife crisis if he continues to go ...

Yellow piss water

20 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Luke argues about the science of terminal velocity after seeing a hairbrush fall from a sky-drop ride, while Pete wonders why women carry t...

Steak Gate

16 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Pete tells us about the highlight of his Cornwall holiday - his microwave steaks - but Luke's sure that if he served it to Jeremy Clarkson he'd be a g...

Best Bigga juice drinking years

13 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke think Pete treats his stomach like an abusive parent after he sees him eating Chinese in the office at 9am. Pete's upset no one likes Bigga Juice...

I have absolutely definitely not sh*t myself

09 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Should a professional footballer be allowed to play 5-aside in the name of friendship? Can old musicians actually produce good work or are they just u...

Climb aboard the Lukey Moore

06 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Luke urges Pete to kill the stowaways he's found in his Japanese car because he's is adamant that they're invasive. This prompts the lads to discuss b...

A bit kinky about the ol’ animals

02 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The lads can’t stop talking about Bear Grylls! Pete contemplates how long he’d last in the wild, as the lads attempt their best impressions and as...