The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It
Mon, 10 Feb 2025
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering “where did all my friends go?” or felt like making friends as an adult is impossible, you are not alone. In today’s episode, Mel is breaking down the surprising reasons why friendship feels so much harder in adulthood—and, more importantly, how to change that. In this episode, you’ll learn: The three essential pillars for creating deep, lasting friendships. Why you may be experiencing a “friendship recession” How to stop taking friendship shifts personally. How to use The Let Them Theory to take a more flexible approach to friendship. A simple, step-by-step plan to find and keep incredible friends at any stage of life. Mel also shares shocking research that will change the way you think about friendships—including how long it really takes to form a close bond and the single most important factor in building lasting connections.If you feel lonely, disconnected, or simply want to strengthen the friendships you already have, this episode will give you the exact roadmap you need.For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, your next listen should be this one: What Makes a Good Life? Lessons From the Longest Study on HappinessGet a copy of Mel’s new book, The Let Them Theory here. Connect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGet Mel’s new book, The Let Them TheoryFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes Disclaimer
Chapter 1: Why does making friends as an adult feel impossible?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Ooh, I am so glad that you're listening to this because today you and I are going to talk about why making friends as an adult feels impossible. And I'm just going to start by saying, I want to put this on the record, for most of my adult life, I didn't understand the rules of adult friendship.
If you knew me, Mel Robbins, in my 20s, 30s, or even 40s, first of all, I apologize because I will own the fact that I was a walking red flag as a friend. You know, I was the kind of person who was both clingy and also exclusive. I was kind of transactional.
I might have been supportive to your face, but in private, even though I wanted to be supportive, if you were winning, it made me feel insecure and jealous or threatened. Look, I made every mistake. that you could make in friendship. But I didn't know what it takes to truly create a great friendship, or more importantly, how to be a good friend. Because I didn't know a simple fact back then.
See, when you hit your 20s, absolutely everything about friendship changes, and nobody sees it coming. I didn't. So today, I'm going to walk you through very eye-opening research that I've done and then apply to my own life in the area of friendship. It's life-altering. It's groundbreaking. You're going to love this. See, I now know the rules of adult friendship.
I understand and own the mistakes that I made. And as you listen today and you think about what I'm sharing with you, you're probably going to realize these are some of the same mistakes that you're making too, and you don't even know it. I didn't know it. So if you're feeling lonely, if you feel like you never see your friends, if you're wondering, where did all my friends go?
Or if you're surrounded by people, but they just don't feel like your people anymore, I or you just wish you had more fun, you had a better social life, you could create those close friendships that you really yearn for and you deserve, this conversation is exactly what you need to hear. It doesn't matter how old you are. Doesn't matter how young you are.
Everything that you're about to learn is going to open your eyes and alter your life. Because yes, it is true. It does feel impossible to make adult friends. We all feel it. But after our conversation today, you will know the truth is that the best friendships of your life, they're not in the past. They are in your future.
And today, you're going to get the step-by-step roadmap and the insights that you need to go create them. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited you're here, and I'm especially excited about what you and I are going to talk about today. This is research and insights that changed my life. It has made my life better.
We're going to be talking about friendship. You are going to love this. You're going to want to share this with people that you know, that you love, and in fact, If this is one of your first episodes, I want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you.
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Chapter 2: What changes occur in friendships when you hit your 20s?
Because what we're also going to discuss is rules about adult friendship that you need to know. These are rules I had no idea existed. I didn't discover them until about three or four years ago. These rules are going to change the game entirely, just like they changed the game of friendship for me.
So whether you're listening right now and you're in your 20s, and the only thing that is holding your friendships together from college is a text chain, and that text chain is getting quieter,
and it is getting quieter, or you're in your 30s, and everybody is suddenly in different stages of life, or maybe you're in your 40s or your 50s like me, and the chapter of your life is changing profoundly, which is impacting your friendships, or you're older, I mean, we all need friends. I don't care how old you are. I was just talking to my father the other day, and my dad is 80.
And I was saying to him, hey, so dad, have you and mom thought about where you might want to go in terms of a retirement community? I mean, are there any friends that you have that are living in one that they seem to love that you would want to go to one where your friends are? And he paused.
And he said, well, you know, Mel, unfortunately, a lot of our friends are older, and they're starting to die. And I thought, oh my gosh, that's true. And then he paused and he said, so I guess mom and I are going to have to make new friends. What an amazing thing to say, isn't it? We all deserve friendship. And that's why we're going to talk about this. It's a huge part of your life.
And so no matter how old or young you may be, no matter where you are in the journey of friendship, You deserve great friends. And so if you're finding that it's impossible to create friends as an adult, you're not alone. But what I'm gonna promise you is this.
Not only is our conversation today gonna be eye-opening and empowering, but I'm gonna make you feel better because you will embrace the simple truth
that some of the best friendships of your life are ahead of you and you are fully capable of creating them no matter where you are where you live how old or young you are so thank you thank you thank you for taking the time to listen to this because your life is going to get better and also thank you for taking the time to share this with people that you know that may feel lonely or heck everybody because we all deserve to have incredible friends so
Let's talk about why making friends as an adult is so hard. There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship when you hit 20, and no one sees this coming. I didn't see it coming. You didn't see it coming. See, the rules of friendship completely change when your 20s hit.
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Chapter 3: What is the Great Scattering and how does it affect friendships?
Oh, well, because at the police academy, they were lining up in alphabetical order. They were sitting in classroom in alphabetical order. They found the same thing about chemists, that you were more likely to be very good friends with the bench scientist and chemist that was at the bench next to you doing lab research rather than the one in the lab across the hall. Why? Proximity matters.
This is why you had such opportunity when you were a kid. It was a group sport. The proximity was handled. This also explains why it is so challenging and it feels impossible to make friends as an adult because you're not bumping into people anymore.
And by the way, this also explains why once the grace scattering hits or you go through a major life change, positive or negative, you're going to feel like you don't see your friends anymore. Why? Well, because you might not be right in front of them anymore. Anytime you move, even if you're excited, guess what? Proximity changes. Anytime you change your job, guess what? Proximity changes.
Anytime you change your relationship and the patterns of your life and you're no longer bumping into people all the time that you used to see, proximity just changes. It's about the pillar. It's not personal. why didn't I know this sooner? And so if you're in your 20s and you're really struggling because you feel your friendship slowly fading away, it's proximity. It's a pillar. It's not personal.
But it does beg the question, okay, Mel, I embrace the study from the University of Kansas. I got to spend 50 to 90 hours with somebody to be a friend. I got to spend 200 hours for somebody to be a close friend. Got it. But I don't want to get depressed because that's a lot of time and I don't have a lot of time. Why do you not have a lot of time?
Well, according to the American Time Study, because between the ages of 21 and 60, guess where you and I spend all our time? We spend all our time at work. So it begs the question, if proximity is a extremely important pillar for creating friendships as an adult, why aren't we best friends with people at work? Great question.
I thought the same thing because if I'm spending all week long, 60 hours a week in close proximity with people that I actually like, why am I not hanging out with them all the time? Why are they not my best friends? I'll tell you why. The second pillar, timing. See, everybody at work, even though you love them, they're in a different time of their life.
Timing just means what chapter of your life are you in. And when you're at work, you're working with people who are all over the map. You might have people who are married, who are in their 50s or 60s. You might have people in their 20s. You might have people who are single, who are not single, who have kids, who don't have kids. You might have people who are healthy, who are not healthy.
Everybody's all over the place, interested in different things. Yes, work puts you in close proximity, and these may be people that you like, but if you go out every weekend and get drunk and you're throwing up in a garbage can, at Monday morning, you're not gonna be yucking it up with everybody who spent the weekend with their adult kids or their grandkids out in the suburbs.
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Chapter 4: What are the three pillars of adult friendship?
That any time that that happens to you, instead of bashing yourself or the other person, you go, wait a minute, the great scattering. This is not a group sport. It's an individual one. I can no longer expect friendship to happen. I have to take responsibility for creating it. And I am adopting a very flexible approach to this.
Anytime that a friendship starts to fade, I'm going to ask myself, did any of the three pillars changed? Because if proximity changes, your friendship is going to change. If the timing of your life or their life changes, your friendship is going to change. If the energy starts to shift, and energy shifts for a good reason. You want to know why energy shifts?
It's because it's a sign that you're changing and growing in new directions, and it's a sign that they're changing and growing in new directions. And that's a good thing.
And that's why I'm saying, before you blow up a friendship, before you sign off and say there or this or that or the other thing, before you feel sorry for yourself and you blame yourself, ask yourself, have any of these three pillars of adult friendship changed? Because if they have, it's not personal. It's a pillar. And you need to take a more flexible approach.
And I want to share with you an analogy that one of our senior producers, Yuna, shared with me. And she has this analogy for friendships of a rubber band. So I want you to imagine every friendship in your life is a rubber band.
And when all three pillars are present, you have proximity, you have the same timing in life that you're in, and you have energy that's clicking because you're kind of up to the same thing. It's like a rubber band that is at rest. You know, it's tight, it's close, it's round.
But when one of those pillars changes, whether it's one of you going off to graduate school or you're getting married or you move halfway around the world or you're going through a breakup and you're in a relationship or one of you stops drinking and the other one doesn't, any change in any of the pillars is going to stretch that friendship forever.
And you're going to feel the strain on the friendship if you don't understand these three pillars. You're going to feel the person pulling away. And I think we've all been in one of those friendships where you've been super, super close. One of you moves or one of you changes jobs or one of you starts a family. And next thing you know, they're so busy, you never see each other.
And then every time you get on the phone, it's like, I never talked to you. And then you feel the guilt trip. And then you're like, but it doesn't have to be this way. And then you cannot find any time to get together. And as you look at your calendars, it's like, why do we need a scheduler who runs logistics for UPS to figure out our two calendars?
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Chapter 5: How can you create lasting friendships in adulthood?
that I used in order to find some of the best friends of my life at the age of 52 when we moved to a brand new community. I had to start all over. I was incredibly lonely. But first, I want to address something because you're going to have to be flexible with this. It's not going to be easy in the beginning because none of us like to put ourselves out there.
We have been trained by our childhood to just expect friendship. And so I want to read a passage to you from page 186 of the Let Them Theory book. And this is in the section of the book that is all about using the Let Them Theory to create some of the best friendships of your life and these three pillars that we're discussing.
And this is a passage that's all about using the let them theory to take a more flexible approach. If you say hello at a coffee shop and they aren't very friendly, let them. If their calendar's so busy they can't find time to go for a walk, let them. If they cancel plans this weekend because they've had a long week at work, let them.
If they fall in love or have a baby and you're no longer a priority, let them. If they move away, they start a different chapter, let them. If they stop returning your calls, let them. If they're prioritizing other friendships or work, let them. If the timing, proximity, or energy is off, let them. See, people are going to come and they're going to go in your life.
And the more flexible you are, the more they come and go. And it's such a beautiful thing to let them. I want you to focus on the second part of the theory. Let me. Because that's what's in your control. Let me be understanding. Let me make an effort. Let me check in without expectation, but just because I care. Let me make the plans. Let me trust when the energy feels off.
Let me call or text if someone crosses my mind. Let me act with the belief that some of my most favorite friends, I haven't even met them yet. Let me go first. That is how I embraced these three pillars of proximity, timing, and energy. That is how I learned a more flexible approach to friendship.
That is how I took responsibility for creating more fun and a social life and finding and having some of the best friendships of my entire life. The let me go first part, because I'll tell you, I've wasted years of my life feeling sorry for myself. I've wasted years of my life sitting alone, bitter at home, feeling like everybody's life was some giant party that I wasn't invited to.
The let them theory woke me up to a simple truth. friendship matters. Friends are going to come and go. And friendship is there for you to create, but you got to take responsibility for it, which means you got to get out of your house. You got to be the one with the open approach. You got to be the one making an effort. You got to go first. Don't you just love this?
I love this topic and I love this research and I love these pillars and it's so liberating to know all this. And you can tell I'm excited for you, can't you? Well, I am because I can't wait for you to create incredible friendships. And speaking of that, share this with a friend because we all need this information.
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Chapter 6: Why is energy important in friendships?
Love this question. And I'm going to answer this in a way that's relevant to you. If you can relate to Jack's question, you're like, okay, I've got a group of friends, but I'd like to meet different types of people. Or...
You're like I was a couple years ago and the great scattering has hit and some change has happened in your life and now you feel like you're starting at zero again in a brand new place in your life or a brand new place in the world or your career or in your relationship and you're starting over because the same rules apply. And the first rule I've already told you and that is you go first.
This is the let me part of the theory when it comes to friendship, okay? So what does that mean you go first? It means don't sit in your house alone. It means don't sit at the coffee shop and cross your arms. It means take an open, friendly approach to this. And here's how I did it. You know, when I first moved to this small town, I write about this in, you
I sat alone in my house crying for like a year. I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life. And it reminded me of the time when my daughter Sawyer, who wrote the book with me, went to her freshman year of college. She was a freshman at Boston College. She would call me almost every day crying. I'm at the wrong school. I'm not having any fun. My people aren't here.
And I would tell her the same thing over and over and over again. Give it a year. Give it a year. Give it a year. And it's going to take you a year of meeting all different types of people to find the proximity, the timing, and the energy so that you find your people. And somehow when I was 52 years old and I moved to this small town, I forgot my own advice. So I didn't give it a year.
I sulked for a year. I clung to my friends who were back in Boston. I watched their lives play out online. I felt like I was missing out on everything. I gripped. I was so lonely. I didn't put myself out there. I would literally go into my favorite coffee shop and I would sit alone and read a book. I wouldn't talk to anybody because I was sulking in my loneliness.
Well, that all changed when I applied the advice I'm about to tell you. I literally just started to say hello. I introduced myself to people. And here's a little trick I want you to steal. I have shared this before online. I'm sharing it now with you. This has saved me. When you want to start to meet people, let's say you have your favorite coffee shop, right?
And you're going to use your coffee shop as a way to practice going first. If you don't know the names of the people that work in the coffee shop, that's the first step. When you go in tomorrow morning, you are going to introduce yourself to the cashier. You can say something like, you know, I'm in here all the time. What is your name? And introduce yourself, okay? And then here's the trick.
Take out your notes app on your phone and create a contact for that coffee shop. And then in the notes section in your phone, write down a description of the person, tall person with a beard, name is Kevin, has glasses. Boom. And here's why you're going to need it.
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Chapter 7: What is the Let Them Theory and how can it help?
They actually create strong ties and a foundation that lifts you out of loneliness and makes you feel like you are part of a community. And that starts to melt away this armor that you have, to use a word that Brene Brown uses, that we kind of stiffen up and close ourselves off. And I'm telling you, one hello at a time. And I've now got like 32 people in my notes app for this coffee shop.
And I now don't even have to look at it because I know them all because I've spent the last three years talking to them. In fact, this morning... I met a bunch of women that I met at the coffee shop that I walk with on Wednesdays. It's so flipping cold where we live now that we decided to meet at the coffee shop. I met them all for coffee this morning.
And I'm gonna tell you something else about this. It's a go first thing and it's a let me find the time. Everybody's busy. You know, when it was 7.50 this morning and we were meeting at eight o'clock and it takes me 20 minutes to get down there, I thought, do I have time for this? I gotta be back here by nine o'clock. Oh my gosh, should I? I'm like, Mel? Let me go. Let me make the time.
This matters. Let me make the effort. And I'm going to tell you something. Making the time to sit with my new friends for 23 minutes at the coffee shop this morning, it changed my entire day. You have to make the time. It's not on them to make the time for you. It's on you to make the time for friendship to happen.
That's why this flexible approach and this let me go first approach is going to work. And, you know, you're going to love this and give it a year. Because I promise you, the more you say hello and the more you compliment people... the faster you're going to bump into one of the most favorite people you've ever met. And that's exactly what's happened to me in this town of 3,000 people.
And if I can freaking do this at 52 years old in a town of 3,000 people, you can do it at whatever age you're in, one hello at a time, wherever you live. Now, what do you do if you want to find different types of friends? If you're looking for friends that kind of lift you up, here's the second thing you're going to do.
Let me find a new activity that I've always wanted to do, whether it's a CrossFit gym or a yoga studio or a painting class. There's all this research, particularly if you're older, about going to an art class and how it connects you with other people that are interested in growing and learning and being creative. join a book club at the local library, start a book club.
My husband is really interested in skiing and in golf. So what did he do? He joined a golf league. He also joined a race team at the local ski mountain. And then as he started riding the lift with people once a week to do this local kind of race team thing, he realized a lot of people there are also telemark skiers like we are.
Now he has a group of people that he meets several mornings a week and they literally skin up a mountain They bring their dogs. It's totally awesome. There's like 30 or 40 of them that meet at times. He created that for himself and you can do the same thing. And the other cool thing about using an activity is that the activity itself attracts people that have the same kind of energy.
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Chapter 8: How to approach friendships with flexibility?
When you're already feeling low, how do you actually connect with others when you need friends the most? So first of all, Colleen, don't forget all the people that you know in your life. I want you to go through your camera roll. I want you to go through your Facebook friends.
I want you to look at photos from high school and from college, if you went to college, and remind yourself that those people are still there. And oftentimes, all it takes is a text from somebody you haven't heard from in a very long time checking in, you cross my mind. to rekindle something.
I mean, haven't you had the experience where somebody reaches out to you, you haven't heard from them for a long time? I recently reconnected with my freshman college roommate, Bernadine, shout out Bernadine Wu, I love you, and another friend from college, Wes Wang, and we are now in a text group. We're constantly texting. It's so much fun. I haven't truly been in contact with them consistently,
for over 30 years. And it's like no time went by. Those people are still there. And if any one of them has gotten a divorce, I guarantee you, if you reached out and said, hey, I know it's been a long time, but you crossed my mind. And I thought you might be able to give me some advice right now. I'm going through a divorce. My life is falling apart.
I know you went through something like that recently. If you have any words of wisdom or a book that you would recommend, I would deeply appreciate it. And I'd also love to hear how you're doing. you will be shocked at what comes back. And if nothing comes back, let them.
And assume good intent that they're just super busy and maybe they didn't recognize your number, so make sure you tell them who it is. And another thing, there's lots of free things out there. There's things going on at the local library. There's lectures going on at the high school.
There are friends of yours that you've lost touch with that may not be from long ago that have also gone through a divorce. There are family members that can be friends of yours. So don't assume that because they're not in front of your face, they aren't still there. You have to go first. You have to recognize that this is important for you and you don't need to spend money to do it.
You need to pick up the phone and you need to make the effort because people don't know that you need help typically unless you ask for it.
And what I've found is most of the time when you reach out and say, I thought of you because you're super wise and you're always inspiring and I'm going through a tough time and I would love to hear your advice or recommendations for what you think I should do. People love to give advice. They love to help.
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