Lost & Found with Meghan Rothenberger, MD
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What is the premise of the “Lost & Found” story and why does it matter?
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You're listening to The Nocturnists, stories from the world of medicine. I'm Emily Silverman. Have you ever lost your keys, a sweater, a coffee mug maybe? How about losing multiple items in one day? In today's episode, infectious disease doctor Megan Rothenberger talks about the day a series of small losses gradually accumulated until she realized that what she had really lost was herself. In our conversation after the story, Megan and I talk about the changes she made to find her way back to herself, which included rethinking her relationship to her job and the definition of success. Megan is an infectious disease and HIV doctor at the VA in Minneapolis. She went to medical school at Johns Hopkins and did her internal medicine residency and infectious disease fellowship at the University of Minnesota.
Take a listen to her story, Lost and Found.
It's 4 a.m. on a very cold and dark January morning, and I'm sitting in my pajamas in front of my computer, desperately trying to finish a research abstract by a 3 p.m. deadline. I've been working on this abstract for weeks, but have embarrassingly little to show for the hours I've put in. And this morning is no different. I can't write. So I'm staring out the window at a streetlight on our corner. It's shining down on a nice blanket of freshly fallen snow. And the familiar thoughts start to come. How have I tricked so many smart people into thinking I know what I'm doing? I know nothing about research. I don't think I know anything about being a doctor either. I use up-to-date like every day and I'm an attending.
Stop, Megan, focus. I shift in my seat but I can't get comfortable because my butt hurts. And my butt hurts because I'm in the middle of a cycle of IVF and I had a bad reaction to one of the injectable medications and it made my butt swell up and turn red like one of those embarrassing primates you see at the zoo. And thinking about my baboon butt and IVF makes me think about what a bad mom I am. I have a three-year-old conceived after years of trying. But I'm not the kind of mom I thought I'd be. I'm too busy. My husband's too busy. He's a he-monk fellow, not exactly a joyful walk in the park. So we bring our son to daycare at 6.30 in the morning. We pick him up at 6 at night. And then we pray that he sleeps so we can sit in front of our computers.
And here I am sitting in front of my computer. I hear rustling downstairs, and I look at the clock. Shit, it's 6 a.m. I have nothing to show for the last two hours of work. So I head downstairs, sort of a simmering sense of panic. The kitchen looks way too bright. My husband is bustling around getting ready for work, and my son is sitting in his high chair, flinging globs of oatmeal onto the ground. Our good dog Yoshi is dutifully cleaning up the oatmeal, and our bad dog Wilbur is incessantly scratching at the back door, leaving deep gouges in the nice wood. I kiss my husband goodbye as he leaves for work and I let the dogs out. Yoshi respectfully pees in the corner. But Wilbur trots across the yard and without missing a beat, miraculously flattens his body into the shape of a pancake and slides underneath the fence.
If I didn't see his little asshole prince leading up to the side of escape, I never would have believed it was possible. The fence is literally three inches off the ground. So I run outside and I just stand there thinking, this is not good. Now let me tell you a little bit about these dogs. So good girl Yoshi has the most beautiful brown eyes and the softest velvety ears. She was our first baby. Bad dog Wilbur has stocky legs, wiry hair, and a mouth that will consume anything in his path, including a leather couch, curtains, and all of the carefully wrapped presents under our Christmas tree.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the premise of the “Lost & Found” story and why does it matter?
0:00–8:07
2
How does Megan’s chaotic morning with the abstract set the stage for the day’s losses?
8:07–13:43
3
What happened when Wilbur the dog escaped and how did the “lost‑dog protocol” unfold?
13:43–24:21
4
How did Megan finally finish her research abstract after the dog incident?
24:21–49:56