Show notes
Synopsis
"Givers Gain" does not mean that you should expect an immediate financial return from giving. It means that given enough effort and time, your generosity will be returned by and through your network of contacts many times over.
"Givers Gain" also does not mean that you should be a Taker's victim. Give freely to those who value a giving approach to life. Use discernment to avoid the ones who do not.
If you have given several referrals to a fellow BNI member and not received any, schedule a 1-2-1 and come prepared with as much detail as possible about the referrals you passed to that person. Go through these referrals and asked how they turned out.
If none of those referrals turned into business, ask how you can give better referrals.
If any of those referrals turned out to be good and turned into business, tell the person that you're really glad that they worked out. Pause before asking how you can make it easier for them to refer people to you. Be specific about what makes a good referral for you and how to refer you to their clients and contacts.
One BNI member reported to Dr. Misner that he'd tried this technique and gotten a great referral from the other member within a very short time.
Share your stories about the conversations you've had with fellow members about the referrals you've given them and how those worked out.
Complete Transcript of Episode 661
Priscilla: Hello, everybody, and welcome back to The Official BNI Podcast. I'm Priscilla Rice, and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. I'm joined on the phone today by the Founder and the Chief Visionary Officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Misner. Hello, Ivan, how are you today? Ivan: I am doing fantastic, Priscilla, thank you very much. Today's topic I call "Givers and Takers." It obviously revolves around the philosophy of Givers Gain. Givers Gain is about giving to other people first, it's a standard that you should apply to yourself, not a stick that you hit other people with. Within this context, the giver cannot and should not expect an immediate return on their investment based on Givers Gain. What they should focus on is that, given enough effort and time, their generosity will be returned by and through their network of contacts, friends, colleagues, fellow BNI members many times over and in many different ways. I incorporated the philosophy of Givers Gain® into BNI 35 years ago because I saw that many networking groups were just far too mercenary in their approach. They use face to face networking or in person networking as a face to face cold calling opportunity. I believe then, and I know now, that networking is all about relationship building, and that one of the best ways to build a relationship is to help others first. Through giving, you can gain in so many different ways. I also recognize that there are takers in the world. And I wanted to do this podcast because every now and then I have someone say to me, "I'm dealing with somebody who I think is just in it for them and they're not giving." So I recognize that there are takers in the world, there are people who either don't understand the power of Givers Gain or who don't really care or believe in the concept. The people who either don't care or don't believe, I put into two categories "Can't Do's" and "Won't Do's", which I've talked about a few times on the podcasts. The Can't Do's in this context, just don't know how to do something or they don't understand why it's important to do something. For these people, I've learned that with the right coaching, they may become willing to make that transition. Then there are the people who are the Won't Do's. They just want what serves them best and have no intention of giving. It's important to recognize them as soon as possible, because they will abuse the relationship, not nurture it. So, the point here is that life, and certainly your BNI chapter, requires discernment. Sometimes, that is about evaluating the people in your network and whether they're willing to contribute to your relationship. This is where discernment comes into play. This is important: Givers Gain does not mean you should be a takers victim. Let me repeat that: Givers Gain does not mean you should be a takers victim. The world is full of givers and takers. So apply contextual insight and use appropriate judgment to give freely to the people who value the giving approach in life. Use discernment for the ones who do not. I know a member who gave a half a dozen referrals to someone in his group over an 18 month period, but the individual never reciprocated and the man came to me seeking advice. I coached him to do the following; I said, "Invite the person out for a One-to-One meeting and come prepared to the meeting with as much detail as possible about the half a dozen referrals that you gave." I may have mentioned this briefly in a previous podcast, but I want to go into more detail here. I said, "Go to the meeting prepared with as much details about the six referrals as you can recall and instead of sitting down with them, which is common and say, 'hey, I've given you six referrals, you haven't given me any.' Start with the referrals you've given him. Start with the oldest and ask the following questions. "How did it work out? Did it turn into business? If so, was it as much as you had hoped? Did the relationship work out as well?" Use open ended questions to determine how well that referral worked out for the individual. I said, "After a few minutes, do the same for the next referral, and then the next referral, and so on until you discuss all the referrals that you've given that individual." Now, here's where your discernment needs to be fine tuned. What if all those referrals you gave this fellow member didn't work out like you thought? Then you need to ask the person how could you give better referrals in the future? Because the problem is not them, the problem is the quality of referrals that you may be giving them. So before you say, "Hey, give me some referrals, too.", you might want to improve the quality of your referrals. However, if any of those referrals turned out to be good and possibly resulted in business, then take the following tack; tell the person that you are really glad that the referrals that you gave have worked out well. Then pause and take a moment and say, "Since some of them have worked out for you, I'd really appreciate if you could do something similar for me. Maybe we could talk a little bit about how I can help you do that." And from there, talk to the person about what a good referral is for you, how they can refer people to you, and even dive deeper into specific clients that they may have that would be a good referral for you. That was the advice I gave this gentleman. He came back to me a few weeks later and he said he was so glad he followed my advice, rather than just end the relationship or just be mad and not give him any referrals. He told me the individual apologized profusely in the conversation and acknowledged that this needed to be a two way relationship. He said that they spoke at length about how he could reciprocate with him, and just within the last few weeks, he had already done so. He said the referral that the gentleman gave me was a really big referral and it ended up being a great client. So this is what I would tell you if you were talking, or thinking about talking, to somebody about reciprocating and you think they may be a taker, find out first. Talk to them about the referrals you gave and ask them how they worked out using those questions that I just shared with you, and if they worked out well, then let them know that it would be nice if they could reciprocate. Sometimes I find that people are so busy in life, that they're just not thinking about the importance of having a reciprocal relationship. Sometimes they don't know how and sometimes they don't care. All three require discernment and that discernment requires a different response strategy. If they don't know how, it is a much different response than they don't care. They don't care - that's a taker. If they don't know how, then it's important for you to show them how. So your giving energy should be focused on people who are aligned with the need for reciprocity. They may or may not be able to give back to you directly, but observe their behavior before you continue to blindly evolve into a giving victim. The more energy you have for giving, I think, the more you are able to give, and giving more where you have strong relationships makes you able to practice this philosophy in a healthy way. I believe, and I know I've said this in the podcast before, Givers Gain is about taking off your bib and putting on an apron. It's about serving others. It's about building a relationship by helping people first. And that's my theme for today, givers and takers. Priscilla, any thoughts? Priscilla: Oh, that was great. I think you covered it really well. I don't have anything particular to add on. Ivan:Okay. Well, thank you. And so I would love for you, if you are listening to this podcas,t to put a comment in here if you've had any kind of conversation with somebody when you sat down with them and talked to them about the referrals you've given and ask if they could reciprocate, I'd like to hear your stories. Share here on BNI Podcast, your stories about having conversations with people and how it has turned around, and if it hasn't, go try it right now. Try it over the next week or two, and then come back to this podcast and post your results. I'd really like to hear your results. Before we wrap up, Priscilla, I know you're going to mention Ivan's Inner Circle and it is the sponsor of BNI Podcast. And I really love doing the Inner Circle. It is a site where I'm doing coaching with members and it's open to the public. I just wanted BNI members to know that I donate 100% of my profits.