413. You're not for everyone? GOOD!
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This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. Hello, everybody. I'm Gemma Speig, and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Before we get into it, I want to remind you all that this episode of the podcast and so many others are now available on Netflix. Not just in the US, not just in Canada, but in the UK, in Australia, in Germany, in Malaysia, in South Africa, just to name a few. So if you are a fan of watching a podcast as you listen to it, this is your chance. You can go and watch a video episode of the podcast right now, right this very second, just by searching The Psychology of Your 20s on your Netflix app. app, go ahead, give it a go, see what all the fuss is about, and I sincerely hope that you enjoy it. Today, we are talking about one of the greatest freedoms I think we can experience as human beings.
realizing that not everyone will like you and simply no longer caring. What a beautiful thing. I truly think the second chapter of life begins when you come to understand that you cannot be liked by everyone. And truly, that is in fact a privilege. It is a privilege for that to be the case. Like most of us, I think I grew up believing that there was a direct correlation between my happiness and the more people who liked me. The more people who found me pleasant, enjoyable, interesting, fun to be around, the more fulfilled I would be. All of these compulsions emerge from that belief system that probably and definitely have made me actually a lot less happy. They've probably also made me a worse friend.
I think they've made me a worse daughter, sister, person. The more... You experience life, and again, I'm still really at the beginning like most of you are, but I think slowly the more you experience life, the more you realize that trying to force yourself into a version that everyone finds pleasing is actually going to create so much more dissatisfaction and self-alienation than if you just truly accepted that some people aren't going to like you. And that's just that. So that is what I want to dissect today. Why we find ourselves begging for the approval of others, even when we know it's not in our best interests. What you lose when you do so and what you gain when you decide and in fact practice and rehearse this idea and this principle that not everybody has to like you.
And why... you know finally I think that that probably means you're doing something right because this might be a controversial take but I genuinely think that people who are liked by everyone are rather boring and that is not you that is certainly not you so if you can embrace like the power of being disliked and what that means for your identity and what that says about your character I think that you will become a much more interesting fun and wonderful human being so that is what we are going to discuss today without further ado let's get into it So to begin with a very simple principle and a very simple understanding, why do we feel the need to be liked so deeply by absolutely everyone when we know that that is in fact probably not going to happen?
The most simple explanation is that we are and have always been safest in a group. I know that this explanation has been done a million times over, but when we can rely upon others around us to support our individual needs, because they like us, because they see us as one of them, because there is reciprocity, we are better primed to survive in the long run and to be fulfilled. There is this evolutionary instinctual drive to return back to the herd for better and for worse. And that has been embedded in us since the very beginning. Because the herd, the herd represents a strong system that we can predict, a system where we feel least susceptible to threats and also the danger emotionally, physically, mentally of having to go at things alone.
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