Ex-MIT Negotiator: The 1 Conversation Costing You Millions
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What is the most expensive negotiation you can lose?
So you are. Life is. I think that the first most important negotiation is the one with ourselves. They don't talk about it. They don't consider it. They don't prep for it. When I was growing up, I was really severely bullied. I was blown away because I didn't have to be that scared little kid inside.
If you can't keep up with me, too bad. I'm leaving you. Like, get out of my way.
People can almost always help us. It depends on if they want to or not. For all of you out there who struggle with negotiation because you think that it's hammering at each other, that's not true. It's a conversation. It's not a battle.
I didn't realize this, but I, for a long time, had a problem with negotiating myself. Very ambitious guy, very hardworking guy, but I would set a goal and then, because I also have severe ADHD, I would find another thing that I liked and then I would start negotiating with myself about the original goal and how much time and was it that important? And now all of a sudden, this is just one example of this, I'd find myself, instead of having one priority that I had already set, that I had already determined, I'd be negotiating my time and attention and prioritizing all these different things. And now all of a sudden, none of the things that I actually wanted to have happen, happen. And then I heard, say what you want about social media.
Your, your feed is a reflection of what you give your attention to, right? I, my Instagram is mostly like how to coach baseball, motivational quotes, like funny stuff and like nerdy science shit. So I,
Why is negotiating with yourself a common issue?
I saw this thing from Kobe, and it was an interview he was doing where he described this Mamba mentality and really the core idea of Mamba mentality, which is do not negotiate with yourself. If you say you're going to do X, once you make up your mind, that's it. There's no negotiation. It is written in stone. For whatever reason, that stupid Instagram video just like locked into my brain. I was like, I have to solve this for myself. And I will say, it's something I continue to work through. You are negotiation expert, specialist. You've written the book. Like, how do we approach this? Like, how do we lock this? One- Do you feel this is important enough to prioritize as something you really need to have to be successful?
And two, like, how do we actually do this? How do we make not negotiating with ourselves a practice in our life?
I love this because I think that the first most important negotiation is the one with ourselves, the internal negotiation that a lot of people don't ever think about. They don't talk about it. They don't consider it. They don't prep for it. And people think that negotiation is this action where I walk into a room and I have to sit down and hammer it out across the table with someone. And that's not it, right? There's so much, so many other pieces of negotiation involved. A lot of it happens before you even walk into that room. So let's talk about the internal negotiation because I failed at the internal negotiation for a lot of my life. And I would argue, you know, Ryan, you mentioned it, that you struggled with it early on.
A lot of us do. Why? Why? So I'll give you a little story. When I was growing up, I was really severely bullied. I had frizzy hair, glasses, and braces all at the same time. And in fifth grade, there was a girl, Bethany. And Bethany had decided I shouldn't have any friends. No one sat with me or talked to me at lunch or recess. I escaped to the classroom, and my teacher thought it was because I was shy. And it was a heartbreaking year, but a very powerful lesson for me in influence. So I had a second chance and we moved and I decided to create a really hard exterior, an exoskeleton or a shell around myself. And I asserted confidence and I asserted, you know, I was really good at positional negotiation where I would state my demand, refuse to budge an inch and threaten to walk away.
And that served me really well in the moment, but it didn't have any great lasting impacts for additional repeat interactions.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the most expensive negotiation you can lose?
0:00–2:01
2
Why is negotiating with yourself a common issue?
2:01–9:32
3
What is the 'Mamba Mentality' in negotiation?
9:32–11:35
4
How can you identify hidden motives in negotiations?
11:35–19:14
5
What is the Lemonade Strategy for resolving conflicts?
19:14–21:57
6
How do personal experiences shape negotiation styles?
21:57–29:22
7
What are the emotional barriers to effective negotiation?
29:22–38:12
8
How can we practice negotiation in everyday situations?
38:12–59:54
Speakers
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