Helped, Heard, or Hugged
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What problem does Ryan introduce about helping loved ones too quickly?
What's going on, my friends? Welcome back to the Ryan League Podcast, where we love to keep things short and sweet for you each and every week. I always want to give you something that I believe can add value to your life, relationships, leadership, just the way you live every single day. Today's episode is entitled Helped, Heard, or Hugged. Helped, heard, or hugged. Today's episode is designed for me, okay? This is a massive weakness of mine. I live in a space where people primarily come to me for help. Like that's what I spend 99% of my life doing. is helping other people. I wake up thinking, who can I help today? And so inevitably, there will be people that are close to me that will come to me with something heavy, something real.
They'll finally say the thing they've been carrying around all week. And because I care about them, I'm like, boom, let me help them and immediately start helping. Fixing it. And I think that I did the loving thing. I think I offered a solution.
And somehow I did it completely wrong. Because not everybody comes to me for a solution. Sometimes people come to me for a listening ear.
I've done this with my kids. I've done this with my spouse. I've done this with...
Why does Ryan say his default is to offer solutions and how has that shown up in relationships?
siblings where they've reached out and my default was I'm just gonna help you or I'm just gonna I'm just gonna I'm just gonna fix it and so here are my three steps into solving it and here's my plan and here's a spreadsheet okay and and pausing to recognize like the moment like that's not what that person needs is is something I I'm working on it at a high level And so as I've been studying this in my own personal time, it's interesting. Counselors talk about this idea of, you know, when you think about a bid for connection and you think about the dynamic in a relationship where somebody's sharing something with you and how do you respond to that and how do you be present and how do you turn off a side of you that is good for your profession but may not be good for your personal relationships.
uh what surfaces is uh this idea of of i'm asking the person do you do you want to be helped do you want to be heard or do you want to be hugged helped heard hugged helped is when they actually want your input they've got a problem And they want your brain on it. Give me your take. Tell me what you do. This is the one that's easiest for me. It's probably easiest for you too because I think it's the one we default to whether they ask for it or not. I mean, all of us have been sitting at a lunch or on a phone conversation and gotten unsolicited opinions and advice. I've been on airplanes with strangers and they started giving me advice. I'm like, I don't even know your name. We haven't even introduced ourselves to one another, and you're giving me advice?
How'd this happen? Heard is different, though. Asking the person, hey, do you just want to be heard right now? That means, like, they don't want you to do anything. They want to be witnessed. They want to say the hard thing out loud and have somebody nod and go, yeah, that's hard. You're not fixing that. You're not planning. No spreadsheets. Just I see you and you're not crazy for feeling that way. And hug, well, that's the one sometimes we forget exists. Hug means they don't need words at all. They need presence. They need you to put the phone down, look them in the eye, and just be near them. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer a hurting person is your full attention and your closed mouth. If I'm honest, I recently had a friend share some things with me.
And weeks later, it came out that he just didn't feel heard. You know, he felt evaluated. And that's on me. Yeah, that's on me. And Sometimes, you know, when people are sharing, you almost feel like it's a little bit of a press conference a little bit, you know? Like they're sharing and then they're handing you the mic like, go. You're like, uh, what, what, what, what, what, what. And instead of asking a couple more questions of like, hey, what do you need from me right now? And like allowing even more vulnerability into the chat a little bit.
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