Why You Stay in a Relationship That Hurts You
episodePreviously titled “How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship” — renamed by the publisher on Sep 3, 2026
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What is Lewis Howes’ new book tour all about?
There are two big things happening at one time that I've never done before. I'm going on a book tour for my new book, Make Money Easy, and I'm doing a podcast tour at the same time. It is going to be big, and I'm going to seven cities in 10 days. Get your friends, get your family, bring everyone you know to these cities. I'm coming to Austin, Texas, New York, Boston, We're going to Nashville. Then we're going to Los Angeles, San Diego, and San Francisco. Make sure to get your tickets right now. Go to lewishouse.com slash tour. Again, bring everyone you know if you're looking to create more financial freedom and abundance in your life and you want to see a massive guest live on the School of Greatness show. Get your tickets. I can't wait to see you there.
How does self-care influence relationships?
The greatest harm that I've ever done to other people was through me not knowing how to take care of myself. Because if I don't take care of myself a few things are going to happen. I'm going to lose my mind. I'm going to become super needy, super clingy and super manipulative. because I'm going to try to get my needs met through you. And that means I'm going to be objectifying you and using you as a parental replacement, a sex toy, a sleeping pill, an unpaid therapist, whatever the need, this huge yawning need in me, parts of me will go out there and try to get that need met. So either I can figure out how to get that need met or like that teenager is going to figure out how to get that need met.
And all the amends that I've ever had to make to anybody in my life for the grave harm that I brought to them were because I didn't know how to take care of myself. And so I had harmed them. blamed them, used them, manipulated them, you know, tried to force them to be something that they couldn't be, become infuriated and enraged when they couldn't do it, when they couldn't deliver, cheated on them because if they couldn't do it, I'm going to go find somebody else who can, you know, like all of it. And so where self-care becomes not so much a sort of new age catch word, but a deeply humanitarian public service is Byron Katie said it so well, nobody is safe from me when I need them that much. Nobody is safe from me, right? So I actually want as somebody who genuinely loves humanity, I want to be somebody who people are safe around.
And if I'm not taking care of myself, I am an unsafe human being for anybody to be in any relationship with whether it's a momentary relationship or a romantic relationship.
Yeah. I mean, you've talked publicly about kind of your love life and your relationships and books and, you know, talks and everything. You said you were married and divorced twice. What did you learn after the first marriage into the second marriage?
What led Elizabeth Gilbert to 12-step recovery?
100%.
So I've spoken very openly about identifying as a sex and love addict. And I go to a room for that. I go to a 12-step program for that. It took me until I was 50 to find out that there was a room for that. And I spent decades and I mean untold thousands of dollars sitting in therapeutic situations. It wasn't like I wasn't trying to be different. I was paying a lot of people to try to help me not be like the way I am. And no one ever said, You're a sex and love addict. Really? And there's a room for that. There's a 12-step room for that. And here's a phone number. Go get yourself some help. Because there's so much secrecy around it. Because I think especially for women there's a tremendous amount of shame.
But my acting out was nuts, Lewis. I mean, you mentioned that I was divorced twice, but I actually recently had lunch with my old couples therapist, who's a wonderful, brilliant couples therapist. And I said to him, Mark, did you ever have anyone else who was a patient of yours who brought three different people to see you over the years? And he was like, nope. And I was like, and none of them were my husband. Like none of them were the people I was married to. That was like between my marriages that I was bringing, you know, and he was like, yeah, I don't think I have ever had anybody bring in three different relationships and say, please make this work for me. And he said, I have to hand it to you though, Liz. They were all so different, the people.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What is Lewis Howes’ new book tour all about?
0:00–0:51
2
How does self-care influence relationships?
0:51–3:20
3
What led Elizabeth Gilbert to 12-step recovery?
3:20–8:09
4
How can we identify and overcome love addiction?
8:09–27:22
5
Why is it important to establish boundaries in relationships?
27:22–31:19
6
What role does a higher power play in overcoming addiction?
31:19–50:18
7
How to set a solid foundation for a healthy relationship?
50:18–1:25:09
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from The School of Greatness
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Rebuild Your Identity in 3 Steps and Finally Make Habits Last | Dr. Kim Foster
You're Not Bad With Money, You Inherited Bad Beliefs | Lewis Howes
Your Pain Pushes You Until Your Vision Pulls You | Michael Beckwith
Stop Waiting for the Perfect Moment, It Never Comes | Kier Gaines