Chapter 1: What happened in the LaGuardia airport crash?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. RIP to those pilots at LaGuardia. You know, everybody's tagging me going, you called it, which is not exactly... That's not my goal here, is to call air disasters before they happen. But I will say...
that I've been flying a long time and I've been paying attention to travel and there's been a lot of near misses and I've never felt less safe sitting on a tarmac waiting to take off. I have never personally felt less safe. I think there are too many people out flying. I don't know where everyone's going. And I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere.
I'm just saying the demand and the fact that the system seems to be at a breaking point. Inevitably, things like this are going to happen. But I don't like that.
Chapter 2: How does Tim Dillon feel about current air travel safety?
Like, you called it. I'm like, all right. People dying. People losing their life. people that were injured. LaGuardia is a terrible airport. If you don't know LaGuardia, it's a little, is it one runway? It's two runways. It's not international. It's a domestic New York City airport. The runways are not long enough to land, you know, Airbus A380s and stuff coming in from Qatar, Dubai, London.
So it's flights from Chicago. And it's this little airport and it is incredibly busy. You go right over Rikers Island. It's like right next to Rikers Island, the big jail complex. And then you land and then a fire truck, you know, and then you're killed. And this is a terrible tragedy and it's a horrible thing. And this is unfortunately... indicative of a broken system.
Air Canada, which by the way, is a pretty safe airline, right? Air Canada, they're not going, you don't hear problems with Air Canada a lot. So by the way, RIP to those two pilots and truly, you know, I got some attention for telling people to stay home, but I'll be very honest with you.
I think now you really have to think about traveling and think about the necessity at the moment of do you need to go to the place? Do you need to go there? Or can we wait? Can we push it off? Can we delay it? Can we do it next year? And the answer to a lot of those questions will be yes. And then you're sitting on your couch and you're okay. And that's all I'm saying.
If you have to go places, as I often do, you got to go. You got to go. You got to go. But if you don't, and it's at all possible to put the trip off, I don't know. I might. Do you need to see your sister in Fort Lauderdale? Do you need to? Pick up a phone. Half the... You get down there... Half the time is travel.
Then you actually get down there, and then you sit there with your sister and her husband, and you go, what are we doing? You go to some steakhouse that's like mid, some mid-tier. You know what I mean? You're sitting at a steakhouse in Boca, and you go, I hope when we take off tomorrow and land at LaGuardia Airport, the fire truck doesn't drive onto the runway.
so that I could sit here and eat truffle mac and cheese and listen to your sister's mouth. Amy Poehler doing very well on the charts. Good for Amy Poehler. Winner of Best Podcast Award, obviously, at the Golden Globes. What's funny, a little funny story. that I find to be amusing. And that's why I'm telling it. I've never met Amy Poehler. I think she's brilliant.
She has a podcast and she sent my producer an email saying that she wanted me on the podcast, which like immediately I was like, wait a minute, something's awry. And this again, it's just one of the funnier stories of what's happening right now in Los Angeles, because as you know, Los Angeles is cratering and many of the people who live here are not working. And, you know, you get it.
We've gone over it. So, apparently, this email that I got, which I'm going to read you right now. Let's start with the email. Let's actually read this email. A candid conversation on comedy and culture. So someone sends this email. Greetings, Tim. I hope this finds you well. My name is Julia and I handle guest bookings for Amy Poehler, host of the Good Hang podcast.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of Melania Trump unveiling the humanoid robot Plato?
China, whatever. Or that we all share it and defeat the aliens that are going to come. Or not come. Or be actually fake drones that our government... has using Project Blue Bookwise to get us all in our houses so that our children can get taught by humanoid robots. Now that the aliens are here, it's much easier for the humanoid robot, Plato, to come teach your children.
So, I mean, I have no idea what's going on. There are certain people you feel bad for in life, but astrophysicists who are working for secret government programs, you have made your goddamn bed. I am sorry. I am not being rude. You have made your goddamn bed. You've made your bet.
I feel sorry for somebody at Walmart who takes a bullet to the face because a homeless guy found a gun and they wandered in on the side of the highway. I don't feel bad for you if you are in Area 51 standing next to an alien staring at him as you guys try to fucking fiddle with some ship that fucking got down 40 years ago. I'm telling you right now. My, my, uh, my, I just can't.
I'm not saying that they're not humans, but it's part of your journey. No. You start fucking around with shit like this. You start working on super secret government class, highly classified programs above top secret, like way above top secret. You know? I mean, I'm going to stand there and start crying? How could this happen?
How could this happen to the scientists working on this super secret alien program in an underground base? That seems such a safe job. That's not something you say, how could it happen? And they better have results, by the way. And if you think we're not kidnapping people, we're also kidnapping. I don't know who we're kidnapping, but we're also kidnapping people, by the way.
We're absolutely trying to kidnap people that have this information. And by the way, we might have kidnapped these fucks. So who knows what's going on? So I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's going on. But I'll tell you this, I'm certainly not shedding a tear for the scientists involved in the super secret space program to replicate extraterrestrial ships.
I won't be shedding a tear for those people. I feel worse for the kids in Gaza than the people who go on an elevator 19 stories down into some secret thing we've created in the middle of the earth. Because that's what they do, by the way. They clock in. And they get in there, they grab their coffee, they take that secret airline, they get in the elevator, the elevator goes down.
Whatever security clearance you have, if you have the top one, you probably go down to the middle of the, to the center of the whole thing. And then you get out and then you're standing there next to an alien and an alien's like working next to you. And the alien's like, Israel's out of control. And you're like, don't get me started.
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