Chapter 1: What challenges does the caller face dating a dad with baggage?
I am literally the only single friend left. And on top of it, I was born on Valentine's Day. On the day of love, if you will.
Oh my God. What is it like having a birthday on Valentine's Day?
Horrible because I'm always single and all my friends are married.
Plus, and then it's just like everyone else has plans.
Yes.
Or they're sad. I've been second my whole life. It's so funny.
Like the friends who are available are all like, you know, they're all sad on your birthday because they're single.
Like no one's buying me flowers.
I guess I'll hang out with Autumn.
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Chapter 2: How does the caller feel about her boyfriend's relationship with his ex?
You know, I should not be having this much animosity towards this man.
Well, the reality is, is he's got too much to figure out right now. It's, it's nearly impossible. And again, I'm generalizing for him to prioritize you in this relationship while he's dealing with his wife, not his ex wife, his wife.
Yeah.
And the fact that she is posting the way she is means that that's very messy. And he obviously feels a certain type of loyalty to her. And it's not a good thing that you think he's a pushover for her.
Yeah, it's not. And she knows.
There's a lack of respect that you have for your new boyfriend. And it's really important that you respect your boyfriend.
I want to respect him for the things he's doing.
I don't mean like in a like a like an eighteen hundred sort of way or like, you know, like there's I'm Catholic. I was raised Catholic. And there's if you go to church every Sunday, if you're Catholic, you will basically, I think, like heard most of the Bible over a course of four years or something like that. But there's this like reading, I don't know what it is.
And it's always like, you should want to respect your partner. You should want to admire them, you know, each other, you know, be like, oh, that's my man. You know, like, you know, so it's great that you think, oh, he's finally a man. But the fact that you think he's a pushover.
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Chapter 3: What are the signs of emotional maturity in relationships?
We're not married. And if he would have asked my opinion, you know, like I would have been like, dude, if you go on the apps and he's like, oh, I just want to keep it casual. I just want to meet someone. I'm like, you're going to fall in love with the first girl that you hit it off with because... Again, it's like a tale as old as time, you know, like you're probably different than her.
You make him feel a way that she didn't. It's exciting. You know, there's a risk that a lot of the things he feels about you, I'm not saying aren't genuine, but they might be a little manufactured, you know, because you make him feel things that you're a release in a way, you know, and not that he's intending to do that. But in a way, it's kind of his life is just so chaotic right now.
He just probably doesn't really know what he needs or wants. And he is, he is not in control of his life. He is being reactive, you know, and he went about things this way, which demonstrates a little bit of immaturity. I mean, listen, life's not perfect in these very adult and messy situations. Like it, no one plans for them. You, you, it's like baptism by fire, you know?
So I give him a lot of empathy that way. But the mature thing to do would have been to like get his shit together and prioritize his family, prioritize his kids, and then figure out how to navigate this messy situation and find out how he can stand up and set healthy boundaries with his ex-wife and know that she's going to be disappointed, but figure it out.
And that might take some time for him to do that. Him inserting this new girl, you, into this equation before his wife was ready for it. Not that he needs her permission, but it was always going to be like this. Listen, it's not a great situation.
No.
And I don't, I just don't know. He's never done this before. So you don't know if he can do it, you know?
No. And then it's all, it just, and I even think of bigger picture. Like I'm like, we've talked about him having more kids and he says yes, but he's also financially tied down to his ex-wife right now. They're still legally married and he still has two kids under the age of six and I am 29 years old. And within the next few years, like I want to have a family. I want to start having my own babies.
Yeah, that part I think you can figure out. I mean, I don't know his financial situation. And like, you know, I don't nowadays. And I know the economic times are tricky.
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Chapter 4: How should the caller navigate her feelings about the relationship?
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How's it going?
It's going good. How are you?
I'm good. What's your name?
My name is Autumn and I'm 26.
How can I help Autumn?
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Chapter 5: What are the signs of a one-sided friendship?
he's potentially verbally abusive or something.
It just could be like a red flag for you, which is like, if you feel really ready to be intentional and committed to really, and it sounds like you are, like you, it sounds like you feel like you know what you need to do in a relationship when you're ready for that relationship and that you have the capacity to pursue your dreams and still give the appropriate amount of priority and energy to the relationship that's right for you.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Yeah, no, 1000%.
But even though you like a guy that doesn't mean he's ready or that the relationship is ready. And I think you still have to be willing to like a guy, be curious about him, be excited about its potential and still acknowledge that. we're still feeling each other out.
You know, he is, especially, I think a lot of people do this, but especially young men, you know, when they're like, oh, he says he wants a family and this, when they say all the right things early on, they're trying it out. They're like, they're like.
That's such a good way of looking at that.
They're just like, well, let me see how this feels to say this to you. Well, it's pretty good. You know, they like the idea.
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Chapter 6: How can I address conflicts with friends?
Someday.
You know, and they think that and then they meet you and they're like, wow, she's really great. You know, maybe I want it with her, you know, but something about you changes to them. And I think that is, and the thing that changes most probably is you become this, like, I don't know if I can get her this kind of unicorn person that they're pursuing and pursuing aggressively.
And then it almost overnight feels like, oh, well, that wasn't as hard as I thought. Yeah. And that's fair. You know, and it's it's shitty. But like, yeah, they probably they lose a little interest, you know, and their friends invite them to, you know, 24 year old guy. And he's just like, we're going to some trip. And his friends are like, what do you?
you're gonna bring a girlfriend? Like, I'm not bringing a girlfriend.
It's like, you know, and he's just like, I don't know if I want a girlfriend. And maybe, you know, he's on the apps and he swiped again and he saw another girl and things like that. And he's like, well, maybe I'm not ready to settle down. And maybe I don't want, I don't want a girlfriend when I live with my parents, you know? And he, he could have realized that after the fact, you know?
So it's, I know this is all just very frustrating, but it is trying to still
be okay with learning that even though i like this guy i still might discover something i don't like yes and i think you've probably never experienced a situation where you liked a guy uh and then like you go from this like i don't know i don't know i don't know to all right i like them i'm gonna go for it and like have you ever ended a relationship
I have. Yes.
Early on in dating or after it was like a long, like in this situation, right? Like we're in the first couple of months.
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Chapter 7: What should I do if my friend is involved with someone aggressive?
really um and so i was back at home uh at my hometown recovering from that and he was supposed to come see me and he kept blowing me off and i was like okay i always go to see you like i because he was in school still um he was older than me but he was in school Because he was still continuing his education.
So I was always kind of having to do most of the work in the sense of seeing him because I was very mindful of his situation. So this is like the one time I needed him to kind of pull through for me and he didn't. And so I just kind of was like, that was my last straw.
and so i did like break up with him and i was like i just don't think you are ready for this like i don't think you have the time for it and he said yeah you're right and i hate that i wish i would have thought of that sooner it was also another long distance relationship it was an hour uh just the other way and so i would drive on the weekends like i was already out of school i was freshly out of college when we first started dating and i was already working uh
in my career and it was a nine to five. So I would get off on that Friday and I would drive up there and I'd spend the weekend with him and all that. And I was doing that way more than he was coming down here.
That was my question too.
Yeah. It was very me going over there.
Is that, yeah. And long distance relationships, is it you usually going to them?
Yes.
And are they helping pay for your travel at all?
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Chapter 8: How do I navigate expectations in adult friendships?
Yeah.
But if you have to make concessions to accommodate this relationship, so much so that it becomes one-sided in its efforts.
Mm-hmm.
regardless if it's a valid reason, if nothing else, that should tell you this person isn't capable of meeting me halfway, even if it's valid. You know, he doesn't have the money. He doesn't have the time. He's in school. I'm doing all the work here. And even if he wanted to, he couldn't. So, you know, like this does, you know what I'm saying?
So it's little things like that that you probably could identify a little sooner. You know, you mentioned earlier that you're you're have anxiety and you're an overthinker. You know, many of us are like that. Right. I think probably, though, anxiety is a signal to you about maybe something your body's telling you.
The overthinking that probably happens is you not listening to your gut and you trying to convince yourself that, well, that's not this. It's that, you know, oh, he can't afford it. I'm going to I'm going to drive there. And then I'll have anxiety the whole trip while I'm there because like my friends are like, why are you doing this? And you're like, but I want to see them.
And like, but you're kind of ignoring listening to yourself. That's where you feel that anxiety because you're doing something that your body says, hold on, Autumn, like, why are we doing this?
Yeah.
You know, and that's probably where a lot of anxiety comes from. I think a lot of people who identify themselves as overthinkers discount their gut. It's like, well, I overthink too much. So it's like, I don't want to trust my gut because I'm overthinking.
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