Chapter 1: Am I self-sabotaging or just not meeting the right person?
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I'm good. How are you?
Good. What's your name?
My name's Lucy. I'm 25 years old. And my question is, am I self-sabotaging or have I just not met my match?
Okay. Maybe both. Who knows? Why do you feel like you're self-sabotaging?
I have been going on dates for, like, about a year and a half now, and I never really had the thought that I was self-sabotaging until my most recent, like, guy I was talking to. Because every guy I've talked to or, like, matched with for the past year, I've been, like, there's just been something that I get the ick or...
I'm like and they're not for me and I just kept thinking like yeah like there's a lot of fish in the sea type thing like not everyone I match I'm gonna like but then in like early December I matched with a guy and he like everything about him seemed great like no red flags he seemed very genuine and intentional and sincere and like our lifestyles kind of matched very well and then it started going really well we were going on dates and I was
enjoying it. But then the closer we got, I kind of was like pulling back and I like just decided to like be super nitpicky, pick something like, I don't like that about him anymore. Um, so now like looking back at the dating I've been doing in the past year, I'm like, I haven't been just very nitpicky. And it's usually when like we started to get closer and
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Chapter 2: How can I protect my family from toxic in-laws?
I'm not that funny. So it kind of gave me the egg. Yeah. Like it's stuff like some stuff is legit. Like there was a guy who is real. He like was really religious, went to,
church every Sunday, and that's, like, not my lifestyle, so, like, some stuff is legit reasons, but, um, some guys I didn't even meet, and it was, like, a text they sent, where, like, one guy was, like, we hadn't met yet, but he was, like, oh, it's a rainy afternoon, like, I wish I could come cuddle you, and I was, like, cuddle, we haven't met yet, um,
That's a little weird. Okay. Well, I mean, listen, I mean, you wouldn't be the first person to mix up your non-negotiables and pet peeves. And, you know, I don't know, maybe men and women are both kind of fickle, but obviously you can recognize that being turned off by a guy's laugh is probably a little silly and a little much.
That being said, are there is there any particular one of these guys that you are like missing or a little regretful about by ending it because like you forgot about the laugh and were like, oh, shit, I had a pretty good time with this person.
um not really okay like every date i've been on i was kind of like either in the middle of it i was like i want to leave or like i just had no interest there was like one date i went on where i really liked the guy and then he told me afterwards like i'm not interested okay but other than that and i guess what was what did that feel like i mean other than like obviously not fun but did that like really upset you or were you kind of like okay fair enough
I was kind of like, okay, fair enough. The way he worded it, he was like, I feel like I'm too busy to date right now. Which I was like, okay, that's fair. But we have mutuals, so we follow each other on Instagram and stuff. So I see him posting with other friends, or I've seen him on Hinge again. So I think that was just an excuse.
Which that part made me feel bad, but him rejecting me didn't really...
I mean, listen, you know, he's going to date, but you know, there's a difference between dating and investing in a relationship. So it's not, it's not totally disingenuous when someone's like, yo, listen, you know, and like the fact that you guys had mutuals, he was probably a little more cautious about, you know, those fuck boy qualities of like, you know, let's just see where it goes.
And, you know, with real no intention of, of being serious and the fact that you guys have mutuals.
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Chapter 3: What steps can I take to stop giving my power away in relationships?
You can kind of see where it goes. But I also think there's a part like, listen, like it doesn't take us long. I think early on to just know whether we're vibing with someone or whether we're excited, you know? And I think you don't, you know, like some, a lot of it is chemistry or, you know, just kind of that intangible feeling where you like are really into someone's vibe.
Now you can be into someone's vibe and you can be excited about someone and you can have a lot of chemistry, but, And it still doesn't mean you're compatible and it still doesn't mean you're going to be able to figure it out. And it still doesn't mean that you, you know, you're not negotiables lineup, but yeah, I mean, you're only 25, right? So there is, there is that.
And other than that, cause you probably didn't need me to say that. And I'm guessing, you know, all this, but like, I mean, is there a part of you, like what, what's the part of you that's actually worried that you're doing something wrong?
Like, I just find that, like, when I get close to them, which is, like, when I decide, like, we're not right. But, like, I don't want to be doing that. So I just need, like.
Like, physically close?
I mean, physically and, like, emotionally, I guess. Like, the last guy, like, we talked for a couple months. And, like, the first two, three months, like. we were like dating like normal, like multiple dates a week. Like I made the first move to kiss him. Like I was super into it. But then he invited me to his house to meet his dogs.
And he was like, you know, I'm very like, I keep things close to my chest. Like, to be honest, no one's ever met my dogs, but my family, like this is a big step for me. And when he said that, like immediately, I was like, this isn't for me anymore. When like, there was nothing really about him that I shouldn't have liked. And, like, I felt her chemistry and everything was really good.
And it's just, like, yeah, kind of been that, like, every time the guy wants to, like, introduce me to his friends or, like, get closer, that's when I pull away.
What do you think that is? Like, what do you, is there a part?
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Chapter 4: How do I navigate emotional manipulation in family dynamics?
I don't know. Like, I was in a relationship, like, about a year and a half ago.
Mm-hmm.
And it ended kind of badly. Like he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and stuff, which sucked. And like, I was obviously very heartbroken and sad, but I don't feel like I'm like scared to be like heartbroken again. Like, I don't think that's, Like I learned a lot from that. I learned I have like a good group of people around me that can help me.
So like during the last relationship, I was like, I guess pretty unhappy, but like I didn't want to be alone in a sense. Yeah. So I like just put up with it. And like my anxiety got really bad during the relationship. Like I was starting to have anxiety attacks a lot, just like unprompted.
And so I think I like my brain is kind of like going into survival mode when I start to get close to someone because they're like, you don't want to have those anxiety attacks. You don't want to be unhappy and feel stuck again type thing.
Yeah, I mean, there probably is a little bit of all that. And I think your self-analysis is probably pretty accurate, right? Like, I think, you know, when we're dating, when we're younger, I've said this before, right? Like, there's not a lot, you don't know much, right? Especially if it's your first relationship, you feel something, you jump into it. You try things out.
Your first relationship's a lot of trial and error. But you experienced this relationship that didn't break you, certainly was hurtful. It ended with him cheating on you, but hearing you talk about this relationship, that wasn't your big... pain point. And that wasn't your big takeaway. You kind of realized that your anxiety and sadness around this relationship started before it ended.
And it sounds like maybe you were having a hard time. You know, anxiety, you know, comes from like a fear of the future, you know, the kind of not sure how to like, what's going to happen next and things like that.
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Chapter 5: What is DARVO and how does it affect family interactions?
We kind of ruminate, you know, sometimes we can feel stuck. You know, it's your body telling you that something's a little off, but you're not really sure what the solution is. And so, you know, I think that's good for you to remember, you know, and maybe there's a part it's not self-sabotage.
You know, maybe there's a little bit of that, but there's also maybe just a part of you, your intuition fine-tuning itself, realizing that like relationships take a lot of work, right? And they are an investment. And if you want to be in a relationship, you're going to have expectations of that person. They're going to have expectations of you.
Hopefully those expectations line up, but like often they don't. And so, yeah, I mean, you're probably just like, these are just probably filters you have where you're just like, you know, you told the example of a guy invited you over, he met his dog. He was like, this is a big step for me. And hearing him say that was kind of like your, your body, your intuition being like, yeah, I don't,
I don't know if I'm ready to invest more in this guy. It's like at that point, you had hung out with him a bunch of times, you had dated, you were getting to know him. And probably younger you would have been like, oh, okay, I guess this is the natural next step. Now the older, more experienced version of you was more like, well, okay, I know where this goes. And I guess, am I ready to...
you know, make sacrifices for this guy, you know, and do X, Y, and Z? Or do I want to ask him, you know, count on him? And something told you, no, you are only looking for one. I mean, the challenge you're going to find, right? And I think what you're experiencing, quite honestly, from what I can tell, is like, honestly, like natural growing pains of dating and getting experience, right?
And honestly, it sounds like maybe a step in the right direction. The challenge you're gonna find though, as I think a lot of people do in your shoes, is at some point you might have to break through these barriers that tell you to go, I don't know. The more you get better at being alone,
And the more you get better at being like independent and kind of doing things, you know, only really needing yourself, which is nice. You know, it's very kind of like, I don't need anyone, you know, it's kind of nice, but you become a little more cynical. You become a little more selfish.
You know, you're used to just doing what you want when you want it and you don't have to check in with anyone. And so there'll be a part where you maybe have to work through that feeling of like, I don't want to have to answer to anyone. Right.
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Chapter 6: How can I set boundaries with my in-laws effectively?
So my guess, but my guess is if you do that, if you say self-sabotage with the wrong person being the right person, you're going to miss them. You'll get over yourself. You know, you will most likely, you know, I think chances are you will you might get the you might get annoyed, but you're going to still wish they called and you're still going to want to spend time with them.
And I think these guys you're dating now just aren't your guy, you know, just a lot of nice guys that you've met, some of which are into you and not into you and vice versa. And you're probably saving yourself a lot of the disappointment in time of dating people that deep down you're just like intuition is like not my guy.
Yeah. Cause like, yeah, I wasn't sure if that was the case or if I was like, cause I'm kind of being like discouraged of dating now or like I haven't been on the dating apps like in a couple months since that guy and I like stopped talking. Cause I'm like, there's like, I match with good guys, but then I'm like going out of my way to find something to stop talking to them about.
So it's like, like, I don't want to say like, I'm wasting these good guys. Like that sounds bad. I don't know how else to rephrase it, but like. I'm going through all these good guys that could be really good for me or nice, but I'm just maybe not in the right headspace in something. I don't know.
It's hard to say. I mean, I've only talked to you for a few minutes here, but maybe you're not in the right headspace, right? Again, you're only 25. From what you're describing, I think it's more likely that you're meeting nice men that aren't your guy. And just because they're nice guys doesn't mean you're supposed to be obsessed with them.
They're just like, yeah, they'd be good for a friend or your sister or, you know, whatever, you know, but not for you. And they're nice. And.
Yeah.
And again, I just think it's okay to be discouraged from dating. Who wouldn't be discouraged from dating? It can be. Difficult. I think it's fine to take a couple months break off a dating app. I don't think that means you're broken or that you have some big issue to work through. We all have stuff to work through, and I don't know if you do therapy or anything like that, but you do?
Yeah.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help me maintain my mental health while dealing with family issues?
Do you ever talk to your therapist? Yeah, I've been in it for about a year now.
What do you talk with your therapist about when it comes to dating?
I like tell her like every time I go on a date or like if I'm like going through or like, yeah, I tell her like if I got the if from someone and stuff and she says like the family dynamic I have, like my parents and stuff, she said she thinks that has a big thing to do with it. Like I've never really seen like a good relationship ever in my life.
So she thinks maybe that has something to do with it.
What do you think about that?
I think that it's, like, could be true. Like, every relationship I've kind of seen, like, they just fizzled out or, like, even the ones I've been in, they just fizzled out or, like, someone does something bad to the other person.
So she said, like, yeah, probably, like, my whole life seeing that could have really affected, like... Because, like you said before, like, I am in a good spot right now where, like, I really do enjoy being alone. Like, right after the breakup and stuff, like, even...
a day alone I would just like be so uncomfortable with my alone time and just hanging out with myself but now I am so comfortable with it so I'm like adding someone into the mix like I'd rather just be alone watching TV than having to go hang out with someone.
Yeah. Honestly, it's a fun time in your life, and you've only been feeling like that for a short period of time, and you're only 25. I mean, the real trick is to enjoy this time in your life without feeling like you're doing something wrong. And then again, most likely is you just have slightly better filters when it comes to the people that you're picking. Yeah.
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Chapter 8: How can I ensure my relationship with my partner remains strong amidst family drama?
And I think you're just second guessing yourself. You got the egg. You kept hanging out with them. You gave them another chance. Again, all it is is like I think you're just a little hard on yourself in terms of the expectations of, oh, if I meet a nice guy, I'm supposed to like fall in love with them or something like, yeah, you liked them.
Yeah, I think I definitely have in my head a fairy tale fantasy where I'm, like, even if I match with someone on Hinge, I, like, immediately think, like, does he look nice? Or, like, does he look like he can fit in with my friends and my family? And it's, like, I just match with him. Like, I know I definitely need to calm that part down. Like, I don't know how to, like, I guess casual date.
Like, once I match with someone, my thoughts immediately go to, like,
well, this is it then, like, I like, like, he looks nice, he has, like, his prompts sound like he has good hobbies, like, I'm gonna, like, just put all my eggs in his basket type thing, where, like, I want to be able to casually be like, oh, yeah, I matched someone, go on a couple dates, nothing really comes out of it, and that's fine, But my headspace going into dates and stuff isn't like that.
And I know that needs to change.
I don't know how much it's going to change because I think it's kind of natural. I think the difference is you just having the self-awareness to know that obviously that's a little silly. But it's instinctually fun when you match someone to get a little bit excited. And then you have to just, before you go on the date, just be like, all right, well, I guess let's see if...
Let's see if all my, you know, you have to answer those questions, right? It's normal to ask those questions, you know, like you matched for a reason. So, of course, you're going to wonder if this, you know, I wonder if we have a good date. I wonder if we have good banter. I wonder if they'll fit in with my family. Many of them, you find out that there's a no on there.
You know, you said you want to get better at casual dating. You're actually, it sounds like you're pretty good at casual dating because you are dating.
Mm-hmm.
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