Our first caller wants to know how she can stop comparing her great current relationship to a toxic old one? Our second caller’s boyfriend thinks women's suffrage was a mistake. And, our third caller is wondering if it’s time to cut her deadbeat baby daddy out of her life for good? “The reality that you're gonna have to face is that you will never be able to prevent or guarantee heartbreak." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: [email protected] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: SKIMS - Shop the SKIMS Ultimate Bra Collection and more at https://SKIMS.com and SKIMS stores. BetterHelp - Talk it out, with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/viall Caraway - You can shop Caraway Risk-Free! Enjoy fast, free shipping, easy returns, and a 30-day trial. Plus, if you visit https://carawayhome.com/viallfiles or use code VIALLFILES at checkout, you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Cymbiotika - Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall to get 20% off plus free shipping. Sundays For Dogs - Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://sundaysfordogs.com/viall or use code Viall at checkout. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (50:40) - Caller Two (01:25:16) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: How can I stop comparing my current relationship to a past toxic one?
So you're in a relationship?
I am, yes.
What do you compare the most? Describe what you mean by comparing.
Yeah, I can give some context. So me and my current partner have been together for about eight months. He's amazing. He's definitely the healthiest person I've ever been with. He is so kind. It's insane. I'm so in love with him. But what ends up happening, so my prior relationship that I find myself comparing... he had a lot of like drinking problems to say the least.
And I find myself like anytime my current partner is like a little intoxicated, he's, I mean, he drinks a lot, but not in large amounts, if that makes sense. So like, he's like a beer a day kind of guy. And I find myself just getting triggered by it. Like I get really irritated and I'm not very nice about it.
okay well it's good to recognize yeah which is honestly it's very hypocritical because i'm i'm like i'm i could probably say i'm a fairly big drinker i'm in liquor sales so i am around alcohol like every single day and i socially drink quite a bit
Okay. What else? I mean, is that the big, is there anything else that you're comparing? Or is that just the real?
I think that's honestly the biggest thing. And then, I mean, it kind of causes me to spiral a little bit. And then I'll go into a little hole of other comparisons that I really, in the right state of mind, I don't think are fair. But when I'm in that spiral moment, I will go to those dark places and compare really little things.
Petty things like, oh, he doesn't know how to speak about his emotions or he's not doing this or he's like, you know, really honestly, like things that in the right state of mind, I know aren't fair to him.
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Chapter 2: What should I do if my boyfriend thinks women's suffrage was a mistake?
But like all night she was probably wondering, I like can't.
Probably not.
I. I know. No, like logically, I understand. But I'm I mean, you understand, too, because you have dogs. I'm obsessed with my dog and the idea of her being like alone. really upset me. I think I just felt more like disrespected. I felt like the fact that he had said he was going to do a thing that he didn't really do.
Sure. I mean, and you had a right to be upset about that, right? But there's a difference between being upset about the thing that you have a right to be upset about and addressing that thing and saying, hey, that made me frustrated. I thought I could count on you to take care of my dog.
and you didn't meet my expectations and i felt uh you know i just felt like you over promised and under delivered versus getting in your head and being like what does this mean you know are you like and acting like it was his troubled friend who influenced him and he chose his you know he chose to like become an alcoholic over over over taking care of your dog yeah yeah you know
I do know. I do know. I think that's what I'm struggling with. Like you said, I make up ideas in my head and I'm very scared of things going sideways. So I feel like I'm in constant protection mode and I just get frustrated pretty easily. And I don't want to be like that because I'm typically a very loving person. And I think he knows how much I love him, but I definitely feel myself being
I mean, listen, the reality that you're going to have to face is that you will never be able to prevent or guarantee heartbreak. Yeah.
And as we get older, that gets scarier and scarier. In our 20s, we're kind of like, we don't want heartbreak, but I guess we're meant to experience it. And someone older than me told me I'm going to have to deal with it in order to become like a better version of myself or really learn about myself and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But then when we're like in our early 30s and got to our 40s and we're doing it, we're just like, what's the fucking, what was the fucking point of that? I've already, you know, I didn't need to, I did not necessarily, need this anymore to learn, you know, type of thing. And like not every bad thing that happens in our life is meant to be a lesson.
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Chapter 3: How do I navigate a relationship with a younger partner?
If I were you, I would embrace your resiliency and try to think about what allowed you to get over that very painful breakup and know that that is in your bag of skills, so to speak, that if you ever need in the future, and maybe you'll never have to be emotionally resilient when it comes to your romantic life. Maybe he's your guy.
but you're going to have to be resilient in other aspects of your life. There's other forms of heartbreak that, that aren't just romantic relationships.
Oh yeah. You know, no, I, I agree. I really appreciate everything you're saying. It's like, I feel like the advice that you're giving me right now is like what I say to my little sister, like every time we have a deep conversation and it's so much easier said than
then done and i know like what did they say like talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend sure but yeah you know you don't you're you're well i mean you you are invested in your little sister's outcome i guess to a certain extent but like you're more invested in the outcome of your life and you're emotionally connected to your life and and your ego you have a very loud ego as we all do and and when you're talking to your sister you know you're not
You know, you're just, it's very pragmatic and, and, and you don't have to like, you're, you're, you're talking to me, hearing what I'm saying while you're still hearing voices in your head in a way, you know, that's why it's easier to, to, to give advice than take it.
Totally. I was listening to one of your episodes. And to be honest, I kind of forget which caller it was. But you said something along the lines of like, oh, like, you know, I have all these callers. They're listening to me in the moment. But then they take that advice however they want to look because we remember things the way that we remember them.
Yeah.
In our point of view. And then so I was like thinking about that a lot while I was in the little waiting room, like thinking like, OK, how am I going to take Nick's advice very seriously and logically and not twist it in my head because I love doing that. But I think no matter what, I'm just going to struggle with
like accepting my boyfriend in the moment of this like I guess I just don't know how to get out of my head in those moments when he's reminding me of my ex like it just I don't know how to talk to him about it and when I have kind of talked to him about it he I think he thinks I'm saying he has a drinking problem which is why are you talking to him about it what's he supposed to do Yeah. Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What are the signs of a healthy relationship?
He's like, I don't know.
We're just going to have a conversation. And I'm like, well, yeah, that's good.
Well, I honestly think as much as I love a mediation, this is a you problem, not a we problem.
Right, right, right, right.
I don't know what he's supposed to do.
Yeah, he would have just been like a sweet little baby Ainge just like sitting here.
You got to stop talking about your boyfriend like that.
Yeah.
You know, he's not your sweet little baby.
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Chapter 5: How can I effectively communicate my feelings in a relationship?
It's a general thought. I mean, but yeah, think about it. I don't, you know, I'm sure there are lots of ways. Well, you know, you just got to tweak your thought process a little bit, you know? And again, it's a relatively new relationship, but you know, and the fact that you called it, you, you sense the disconnect. So it's, it's just, you know, but yeah, I guess like, it's like preventative.
Like, I just want to, I, I think there's like a balance and I, I am on the complete,
other end of the balance where it's like oh we live and we learn and then i hyper fixate on what i've learned and i'm it's like i'm applying it way too intensely to this present moment instead of living in the moment um yeah because part of it is again it's control like you yeah you're hoping that you can learn from past mistakes to avoid ever feeling the mistake again and that's not possible
you know yeah okay all right okay well i appreciate you so much uh thanks for calling in uh always yeah always uh always good to hear a new uh unique situation but like you know listen you have it's a lot sounds like you should be happy for and grateful for and just again Be mindful of how much control you need in any given situation.
Allow your boyfriend to take more control or have more control, but you just have to let go of your control and pass him the ball. It's passing the ball and shut the fuck up. It's not passing the ball and then immediately be his coach.
Oh my God, I know, I do that.
Well, just recognize it, you know? Okay. And then when it comes to complimenting him, you're not complimenting him as a coach or a parent and you're not doing it to make him feel good. You're doing it from a place of gratitude.
Yeah.
Yeah, I want him to feel genuinely good about himself. Okay, I appreciate it. I'm gonna be thinking about this all day and I'm gonna write a little list of all the things that I love about him.
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Chapter 6: What should I do if my partner is influenced by problematic friends?
And then again, I'm curious. How did you, when you came home, if you remember, how did you broach the subject or get the conversation started up again?
I mean, I was like, I think we just need to talk about what you said at the bar. Like, do you really think that women should have never been given the right to vote?
Okay. And then he said.
And he was like, well, it's a little more nuanced than that.
Okay. And then you said.
And I was like, okay, so walk me through your thought process.
At any point early in this debate, did you ask him, what role do you see me playing in your life if we get married?
Yes. So that came later after I had spoken to my therapist about this.
Okay.
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Chapter 7: How can I manage my fears of heartbreak?
And is he taking care of you because... he loves and respects you and thinks you're more than capable of doing all these things or is he doing it because it's his job and honestly you can't survive without him you know it's a fine line
Yeah, I think in his case, I think it's more of the former, but I also feel like he's kind of overcompensating now because we've been having these discussions and we know things are off that I feel like he's almost trying too hard.
There are certain just beliefs out there that are pretty messed up. And if you are serious about backing up messed up beliefs, it really does. Just because you haven't done it yet doesn't mean it's okay to still believe in something as radical as what you're saying. I guess I'm just confused. If you really don't believe it, why are you willing to die on this hill?
And if we're trying to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, You know, it's like, what are you trying to say that you're, you know what I'm saying? Cause like, maybe it's not about the 19th amendment or this radical, like, but what, what are you trying to say that you're using this argument to try to make that comes across as radical?
But like, again, you, I've never, you know, I'm dating you and I never thought I'd be dating a radical conservative man, but like, you're, you're kind of sounding like one. So I'm just, I'm, I'm confused, you know? So like, what the fuck are you trying? What, what, you know, why is he dying on this hill? I don't, you know, is it for being right? Like what, why?
He's always been very firm in his beliefs. I'd rather him tell me than hide it because he knows I don't like it.
That's fair. But again, if you thought incest wasn't that big of a deal, just because you haven't fucked a sibling doesn't make it not weird that you think it's not a big deal. Honestly, maybe that analogy will... Make him see what you're seeing. And you can say like, this is what I'm struggling with. This is why I'm having a hard time letting this go.
Because you saying that feels kind of, I mean, I'm having a hard time adjusting. And you're saying, well, I haven't, I don't act that way. I don't do those things. So why are you making it about me? And you could say, well, if you told me you were okay with, again, using this kind of crazy incest, whatever. If I told you I didn't think incest was a big deal,
And that like, I don't know, I just don't think it's that weird. And maybe people, we should allow siblings to like get married and have kids just because I didn't sleep with my brother. Wouldn't that bother you knowing I believe that?
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Chapter 8: What steps can I take to build trust in my relationship?
I thought you might say that. I think to help yourself, you need to do your part in the not needing to be right.
argument you need to stop you know forget about the 19 i mean this is a crazy conversation but what this conversation has done for you is made you question um and made you realize that you don't know if you and your boyfriend want the same things and you are still really young but at a very pivotal time in your life that you do not want to waste these these are great years
26 great years and you shouldn't waste it on, on people who don't know, you know, you, you might, you know, like, yeah. So like, it's, you just want to be mindful of that, you know? So you're going to change this conversation of like, I don't like, are we compatible?
And just, and, and not throw it like an accusation, just be like, I don't know, maybe we're not like, you know, just, and do you know that you want to get married and have kids?
I know that I'd like to be married. I'm very leaning towards the no kids side, open to the fact that I might change my mind.
I'm just generally curious as to why...
I just, I don't have this burning desire to be a mother. I have a dog. I love being a dog mom.
Okay. I just, I was just curious. I just, I, I, and I don't want to seem like I'm, I'm not trying to push you in any one direction. It's just more like there is definitely a, a, when I talk to younger people, this mentality that like, what's the point because life is trash and the world's on fire. And that I hate for people. Um, and, uh,
Yeah. I don't think I come at it from that view. It's just like, I'm very career oriented and entrepreneurial and I want to travel. And I just don't, I don't see like, Oh, I have to be a mother for my life to be fulfilling.
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