Chapter 1: What does it mean to love someone fully, including their flaws?
I want her to be real. The version of her I have in my mind. I want her to exist in front of me. I want to be able to talk to her while we're sipping our coffee and discussing how good it is to be in a relationship together and how much we love each other. But she doesn't exist.
Instead, what I'm faced with is somebody I've come to learn is, well, complaining about her problems that she's not going to change, is making everything in this conversation feel like a red alarm in a 737 cockpit as a aircraft pilot looks at it and is like, this plane's going down. Why is it so easy to romanticize somebody
And then why do we repeat that process when we are delivered a nice slice of reality? Well, I think it's because accepting somebody's flaws is very difficult, especially when you haven't accepted your own. I like to romanticize myself as much as I like to romanticize other people. I think of myself as this ideal version of who I can be and what I can do when it's not true.
I like to think that this person would be able to match the best version of myself, but if she was who I thought she was in my mind, she would leave me. I mean, if I was in her shoes, I would leave me. What does that say about me? What does it say about you?
Chapter 2: Why is it easy to romanticize people in our lives?
The way that you think about yourself and how you put it on other people and almost make it an expectation that they need to hustle to the standard of being your girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.
when in reality both of you are just doing the best you can and if you're not a match you're not a match we over complicate this so many times we try to save relationships that were doomed from the start we start we try to make excuses create these kind of like safeguards for like no no she is doing good it's just that she doesn't excite me i can't support her in the way that she needs support but we're doing just fine
Romantization has made, I think, dating very difficult and it's made living a fulfilling life very difficult because the standards that are created are so unrealistic. And we are now in a day and age where we're able to find any kind of
examples tailored examples that are usually not even real they're made to be content for you to base an entire relationship on to base an entire person on and so we create these standards that are just not not something anyone is going to be able to live up to And I'm sure you've experienced this where you like see somebody and in your mind you create a whole life with that person.
Which is so insane that you could do that. That's kind of crazy. That's kind of awesome that our brain has this capability of just seeing someone and being like, I can envision an entire existence of us living somewhere on the coast of California, you know, sipping a matcha because it's smoother, it's nicer, you know. And eating a little cheesecake, whatever. And you tell me how much you love me.
Even though I haven't even spoken a word to you. Or maybe that's like psycho behavior, and if it is, call me out, okay? But I'm sure you've done that too, where you're like, oh my gosh, this is the perfect person. No, it's not.
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Chapter 3: How do our own flaws affect our perceptions of others?
No, it's not. You're going to get messed up, buddy, you know? Yeah, the brain is an interesting thing that I'm still trying to figure out, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around, and I think that with...
loving somebody and dating and all these things I know a lot of a lot of us are really like what do we do and and for me that was the same case like I was so jaded by the options I was so jaded by like am I gonna have to basically like fight through my relationship as in like emotionally battle all the time but I think we're over complicating a lot of it
And we are romanticizing the person instead of looking for something that's good and works. You are looking at a magazine, seeing like that super expensive watch and being like, oh my gosh, this is what it is. I need this. but your little Casio, you know, the Casios that have like the little, the digital watch, it tells you the time and it works great. And it's reliable.
Not saying that that's not cooler, dude. If I have like a Rolex Submariner, that's sick. You know, Patek Philippe, you know, I'd be like future. Like, that's awesome.
Future.
Like, yes, sign me up.
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Chapter 4: What challenges do unrealistic standards create in relationships?
But if my watch, you know, works great, it looks great.
do I really need it to look like that do I really need it to have that kind of status or do I just need it to be reliable how reliable are your relationships in your life how reliable are you on yourself because dating is taxing going out with people over and over and over again and being let on is taxing we don't talk about that you need time bro You need to relax.
You need some minutes to just kind of sit alone and be like, yo, that sucked. I kind of took two years after I was 19, 18, 19, 19, I think. 19. 19 to 21, I didn't date anybody. I'm very thankful I didn't. Because those were very tumultuous years. You know, people talk about, oh, your 20s are goaded. Yes, but also your 20s are the most insane. pendulum swinging years of your life.
And they can be very good and you have a lot of energy and they're great. And I think that you right now maybe feel like it sucks, but I think it will be worth it. Just hang in there.
Chapter 5: How can romanticizing affect our dating experiences?
I promise you. But I needed to really spend two years not searching for anything. And I still went on dates, don't get me wrong, but not committing or opening myself up to like, hey, I'm ready for a relationship because I was not a person that I think was ready truly to have something like that. I think that there is a very real danger of relationships consuming the entirety of who you are.
And maybe romantization has something at play with it because when you meet somebody and you're like, I'm going to build a life with this person, I'm going to be in love with this person. You spend so much of your time like going into that standard and like, you know, hitting the quotas of like, all right, I need this many kisses. I need this many oversized teddy bears on Valentine's day.
I need to lock in on like making sure that she gets flowers every Friday, whatever kind of stuff like that. But yeah, I think the best relationships are the ones that are simple. Not easy. Easy, I think, is a... It's a dangerous game. Because just because something is easy does not mean it will work. Because relationships are not easy. They're challenging. They're very, very challenging.
But if they are simple and your conversation and your communication is simple and you are both honest, I think it can be done with relative ease. Doesn't mean that they're easy. They're still hard. But... What? It is better when it's simple. Simplicity. Simplicity is so good. And what I started to do as I got older was romanticize less. Because romantization, I think...
it makes things very complicated because you see your life, you see somebody else and your life together in a certain way when in reality you cannot predict anything that will happen. I'm just telling you right now. Maybe you can look at your habits and you can look at the way that you are.
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Chapter 6: What role does simplicity play in successful relationships?
That can be a good predictor, but you cannot like, you're not going to know what it's going to look like Because your future is a culmination of all the things that happen, all this little slivers amongst your life that build up to something. So in that case, like you're creating all of these things in your mind of like, I'm going to do this. You know, we're going to move to this country.
We're going to live this life. Then we're going to have these, these kinds of kids. And you know, we're going to have a perfect life. We're going to, this is going to be great. We're going to be like together forever. But you don't know what's in their mind. You don't know how you are going to change in the next couple of years. You don't know that.
I don't know what my life will look like in a year from now. I don't. But I know that I will be doing things I love. That is for certain. I know that who I choose to spend my time with, I will choose wisely. That is for certain. I can hope that my relationship lasts and I will do everything in my power to make sure it lasts. But I also know that things change.
And I don't mean that in a way of pessimism or in a way of, oh yeah, it's cooked, it's over. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I mean. I just want you to understand that there is so much value in taking the present in and not yearning for the future because this is all we have. And it took me a long time to realize that because I was a yearner.
I was somebody who would have, you know, his Beats by Dre headphones on as a nine-year-old and listen to, you know, dark twisted fantasy and be like, yeah, I'm going to live this life, man. Yeah. And it's like, no, nope. Yeah. You don't know what, what things will happen in your life and how it will play out.
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Chapter 7: How can we avoid overcomplicating our expectations in love?
You might have like an egotistic side of you that's like, I know, like, Zerk, you don't need to tell me, bro. I'm going to be like a private jet pilot. I'm going to be chilling and all that. I'm going to be a nurse. I'm going to love my job. All right. Just don't say I didn't warn you. I'm going to get married to my high school sweetheart. She loves me, bro. All right.
When she decides to go to Ohio State and you live in Oregon, let me know. No, okay. That makes it seem like, okay, you know, long-distance relationships never work. They work. If two people want it bad enough, they will work. 100%. Don't ever think that, like, oh, you know, my girl's going off to college. It is over.
You guys just need to talk about it, honestly, and see if both of you actually want to be with each other, or is it like, oh, we live in the same town, we like hanging out with each other, and, like, you know, you're young, so you want to have somebody. I get that. But...
also like bro if somebody wants to go out and explore and do their thing don't hold it against them like let them go well you only need the light when it's burning low only miss someone it starts to snow only know you love her when you let her go famously so let her go like
tough man I had to do that it sucked the worser thing is somebody like leaving you on and like kind of you know stringing you along and getting away with less and less conversation less and less texting and being like Yeah, maybe we'll see each other in December. And it's, like, June. And you're like, bro, you just got to school. Like, what do you mean? Like, come see me.
But, you know, it's tough. It's tough.
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Chapter 8: What practical steps can we take to build healthier relationships?
But if two people want it, it'll happen. That's my opinion on it, really. But I've just stopped romanticizing people, too. Like... I give people an amount of respect off rip. I understand people are not perfect, but I also realize like, I can't, you, the way people act right now is a good, is just a representation of who they are in that given moment.
And you need to see change in order to, I think, build trust. I say this because I'm somebody who promises a lot of stuff and I deliver like on not a lot of it so I've I've had to really cut back promising things because I think I know I can't deliver it and I'm very I get in this hole of like if I stop
doing something or if let's say let's say I promise like a friend I'm like yo bro there's this crazy awesome crumble cookie that's coming out I'm gonna get it for you it's a uh labubu chocolate flavor I'll get it for you and they're like yeah bro yeah zerk I'm so excited for this crumble cookie let's say I don't get it for them
Let's say it drops on Friday and I go on Sunday because I'm like, oh, I forgot about this. I had other things come up. Didn't prioritize it. And it's sold out. Instead of being like, yo, bro, you know, it's sold out. I'll kind of be like, oh, man, you know, you know, I tried and all this stuff. Excuses. Excuses. I was supposed to get the Labubu crumble cookie and I didn't get it. So.
Why did I promise it if I knew I could not get it? It's the people pleaser side in me. I don't want to say no. Like, in an idealized, romanticized version of myself, yeah, bro, I'm in line for the crumble cookie. But when it comes to the actual Friday where I'm supposed to be in line for it, I sleep in. Oh, well, I got other things to do.
The Thursday night, I'm up late doing something that I shouldn't be. Because I know I need to wake up early, but instead I'm going to bed at 2 a.m. You know? And in the same vein, like, people will promise things. They're not going to deliver on it unless you see them deliver on it time and time again. Don't count on it. Don't count on it. And I think like.
actions really speak louder than words and I have realized how important my actions are and when I say I don't want to say that I'm going to do things anymore I don't want to say yeah I'll be I'm willing to try to be a better partner what does that even mean you're willing to try so like yeah in theory you're you might try what are you talking about either you do it or you don't Simple as that.
Either you do it or you don't. And you don't talk about, oh, yeah, bro, I'm going to I'm going to lock in. Oh, yeah. You know what? Yeah, I know. I'm talking to this girl. And, you know, you're uncomfortable with me talking to her. But you know what? I'm not I'm not going to do it. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. Some of you are like, no, Zerk, that's a little too personal. Break up with her.
You don't like her. Everything has this weight in our mind. Romanticizing people. This girl, oh my gosh. This girl is the best one for me. This guy, I love him. He's literally perfect. He has the old money aesthetic down to a T. Slay! Okay, he doesn't like you though. Well, but I've gone on a couple dates and he was super nice and he paid for my coffee. Yeah, but he doesn't text you.
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