Undefended Joy
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What does 'undefended joy' mean and why introduce it for the holidays?
Did you think that time would make you change so drastically? You never see it coming, can't see the wood for the trees You've got to step up and don't forget who you are today Take a step back before your time slips away
Well hello friends and I hope you're enjoying The song Remember by Sutherland. Oh, I love, love, love, love the song. And it's because it invites me into remembering, remembering who I am, remembering who we are at our essence, remembering there's nothing to fix, remembering that to go back to our essence. So this song really for me encapsulates what I'm going to talk about today, which is undefended joy. And this is a phrase that has been living in my heart lately, undefended joy. And you may be thinking, wow, what could that mean? What is undefended joy? So undefended joy is not joy that depends on everything going well, not joy that's loud or performative, but joy as a frequency, something that becomes available when we stop defending ourselves against life.
This teaching has been coming alive for me through the work of Dr. Julia Degangi. Her work on emotional power, energy, and identity has deeply shaped me this year. And what has been so interesting is that I have shared this concept, this idea, this phrase in my holiday support masterclass, in my women's circle, and with friends. And the responses have been immediate and heartfelt. People keep saying, this is exactly what I needed to hear. So today I want to share it with you. And why does this matter, especially whether we are in early sobriety or we are way along in our sobriety? Because one of the biggest reasons so many of us drink or overdo anything is for relief.
Why do people use alcohol or numbing to seek relief instead of joy?
relief from discomfort, relief from tension, relief from not feeling okay inside ourselves. But what I am seeing more and more clearly is this. What we really truly are yearning for isn't relief, it's joy. The frequency of love. The feeling of being aligned with life, meeting life on life's terms. Most of us are living in the frequency of fear. We brace, we protect, we anticipate, we try to control. And it feels heavy. It feels so constrictive and alcohol gives a temporary break from that state, but it's borrowed and it's always costs us later. So what we really are longing for is a way to feel okay without escaping. to really just be in okayness. When we brace, when we defend, when we want other people to change, when we want relief, at the heart of it is because we just want to feel okay and we are not feeling okay.
So part of the reason why we are not okay is because we are so defensive all the time. And like I said, we try to control. We try to make people like us. We try to fit in. We try to belong. And things should be like this and things should be like that. And we are constantly trying to change life and reality and people. So what does it mean, first of all, to be undefended?
How is being 'undefended' different from being defenseless?
Oh, I love that word. There's so much power in it for me. So let me be clear. What I mean by undefended, being undefended does not mean being defenseless, being weak, being passive, or unable to protect yourself. For me being undefended means this, I can defend myself and I don't need to. This is strong leadership. It's a really strong leadership posture to engage life with because it's choosing not to meet life with armor, with defense, And underneath undefended is an even simpler truth. I am willing. Willingness is the root. Willingness says, I am willing to feel this. I am willing to experience this moment. I am willing to let life be as it is. Not resigned, not collapsed. present, open, available. And this is the mantra I'm carrying into the next year.
I am willing and I'm here to experience all of life. And part of our defendedness and our unwillingness And our suffering comes in the form of difference. And I want to share with you that difference is not the problem. When we want situations to be different, people to be different, children to be different, food to be different, life to be different. our power actually comes in embracing the differences.
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Chapters
6 chapters
1
What does 'undefended joy' mean and why introduce it for the holidays?
0:12–3:43
2
Why do people use alcohol or numbing to seek relief instead of joy?
3:43–5:45
3
How is being 'undefended' different from being defenseless?
5:45–8:50
4
What is willingness and how does it build emotional resilience?
8:50–12:39
5
How can accepting difference (the willow and the cactus metaphor) reduce holiday conflict?
12:39–22:18
6
Why is choosing faith over certainty helpful during uncertain holiday moments?
22:18–24:18