Chapter 1: What unusual topic do the hosts discuss at the start?
It's the Friday Club, the weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club, bing bang bosh, with all of your favourites from under the cusp. So if you want to share a story or relive a former glory, fatter the wheat or clap in them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club. Can I come in with a would you rather?
We've not done one for a while. I saw this on a Jimmy Carr video the other day. You're on a desert island. By the way, one of my chapters in my book. What, being stuck on a desert island? What, five things would I take? We'll get into that in a minute. We'll come back to that. We'll come back to you in a minute. You're going to have to read it, aren't you, to find out what they are.
So you're going to be marooned on this island. Getting Alan Thompson here. It's in the book. Go on. So you're deserted on this desert island, but you can have a female with you. You're allowed a female, but one half of it's got to be a goat. So it's either the top half or the bottom half. That is an unbelievable question. Definitely top half. Yeah. She can't talk then, can she? Fucking dick.
Well, I've got a jogging goat. Yeah, is that what... If it's the top half, it's the goat speaking. She's got top half hooves, goat face. But you can have sex with her normally. But you can have sex with a human fanny. If it's top half, you're having sex with a goat fanny. I'm going top half.
Chapter 2: What would you take to a desert island with a goat-human hybrid?
Top half goat and normal fanny. Top half goat? Yeah. I think I'm going top half lady. You're shagging a goat? Either way, you're shagging a goat. I know, but you're actually entering a fanny. You're quite happy to enter the goat? I'm comfortable with that if I'm looking at a lady. Yeah, but she's going to be bent over, isn't she?
If a bottom half's a go, you're only going to see the back of her head. Or is she twisted round? What do you mean? Well, the bottom half's a goat. Yeah. So it's obviously going to be the back end of a goat, isn't it? Yeah. So you're shagging the goat from behind. So goat's obviously face forward, isn't it? I'm going strictly missionary. I can't go top half goat. You can't? I can't. I know.
Yeah, I was thinking about, I know. Like you can block the bottom half out.
Chapter 3: How do the hosts interpret a 'would you rather' scenario?
And you're with a female. There's no way of blocking the top half out. You're going ten to a dozen and all you can hear is meh, meh. So obviously the top half, the woman can talk, can't she? You can have a conversation throughout the day. Which is the most important thing, I feel. It depends who you're asking. You can engage in conversation throughout your time on this desert island. Mm-hmm.
And an extra pair of good hands, human hands. Yes, to help. To cook and stuff. Oh, fucking hell. Chris A here. No, I'm going bottom half, woman. I'm not bothered about entering a go. Do you know that the, again, I'm assuming it's similar with a goat, but the vagina of a sheep is the closest of any animal to a human vagina. That's facts that I'm bringing to the table.
I'm not interested in entering a goat. I can talk to myself, but you could wank. It's not all about the sex. Yeah. Basically, you've just got a female fanny. Yeah, that's enough for me. And you wouldn't want to speak and... Nope. You animal. So I'm going bottom half woman, top half goat. And then are we both top half woman? I think so, yeah. I'm top half woman. I can block that out.
I think I've... You can't. It's going to smell, isn't it? No, because she'll go and see and wash it and that because she's female upstairs. No, them goat shit. No, yours will smell because she'll not be arsed. Goat's not bothered about what it smells like. I'll get goat to wash. What about this as well? She's got bottom half and you're like, I fancy a bit of sexy time.
You've got to catch her because she's got a goat head, goat brain, so she's ran off. I just touched on them goat pellets that they're like, you know, to entice her in. Here's one for you then. You're on a desert island. You can only take, what did David A call them? Ugly duckling syndrome. Would you rather take an ugly duckling or would you rather take a 9, 10 out of 10? Personality, zero.
Can we not use David A's analogy, please? Can we just say, would you rather take a... No, he didn't invent the ugly duckling syndrome. I know, I know, but can we just say, in your opinion, would you take a four that you really get on with or a 10? A 10 or a double dishwater. Yeah. I'd take... be honest come on Dave four with crack yeah yeah four with crack yeah what are you doing yeah ten
Have you, are you doing an audio book? It's already done. Is it? Have you done it? No. They heard you reading emails. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus fucking stutter in hell. Have you heard the fella that did his first audio book? Acknowledgements by John Parkin, July 2018. That's my impression of a Yorkshireman, isn't it? There's a few, so here goes. By the way, it might be the same gadget.
How much did Sean Bean cost you? Good big logo on, lads, innit? Get Beanie in. paradise that is Barnsley. By the way, genuinely, that is the first time I've ever heard that. Really? I've never heard that. Where have you got that from? You got it sent over from Winterfell. It's a good lad, that Jon Snow. Could you have done it yourself? No, because I can't read really, can I?
Imagine what I'm like with emails. Imagine me trying to read my own book. Yeah. Oh, I've just had a quick skim through this, lads. We've got a dilemma on our hands here. Jesus wept. By the way, I keep looking at my phone because York are playing Rochdale at this precise moment. So that's why I'm looking at my phone. I'm checking on the results.
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Chapter 4: What humorous story about a nosebleed emerges?
I'll take it. Flash forward a couple of weeks, I'm getting a few more messages. She's been genuinely really nice to me, supporting, positive, et cetera. And let's be honest, lads, a nice feeling I'm not really used to. The conversations start to get a little bit flirty. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
It is, you know, even though you've no interest, it is quite flattering, isn't it, when you get a bit of attention? So down at Reading, you were like, she's just sat on my knee, I am the boy. Oh, I forgot about that, yeah. Yeah. It feels nice, doesn't it? Yeah. Even if you have no intention of doing anything, it works always. Well, you'd rather that than get no attention at all. Yeah.
Oh, look at that little gremlin there. I wanted to be the fish. Goblin it was. Goblin, sorry.
Goblin.
Let's get your insults right, Chris. The question came where I was asked if I was taken, single, etc. Followed up by, sorry, I know I should have said I probably got a little bit carried away. She said it was fine. Not looking to steal me away. but then the flirting got a bit stronger. The fact I was five cans in didn't help the situation. It's always the fucking... Dear, dear, dear.
Things escalated a little bit, and I've been told as a reward at the end of my fitness challenge, I can go to hers and do anything I want. Fucking hell, they've escalated, all right. Jesus. Are you a keen gardener? Do you fancy going round and... Pruning a bush. He's gone from apologising for getting carried away to going round and smashing a... Oh, you said it, though, didn't you? You said it.
Do you want to finish the sentence? McDo is in. Every time I say something like that, I think of Richard Keyes. Blowing her legs off? Did you smash it? Yeah. I'm going to do anything I want with very explicit instructions given for what she wants to do to me and what she would like me to do to her. I mean, bad form on her part, really. I hope. She's single.
As luck would have it, we only live half an hour away from each other. What are the chances? Yeah, because it was just an Instagram page. Yeah, so it could have been anywhere. Now... It turns out it's a match made in heaven. I'm not naive nor stupid. I know this is wrong, but I'm asking you three honestly, what would you do? I'll go back to the very start. I will say that I'm married.
Not that it's an excuse, but I think a very, very common theme where it's a marriage for the kids only plus marriage, et cetera. And he started taking care of himself and he's got some attention. I think.
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Chapter 5: How does a friend's message to a football player highlight personal struggles?
Put yourself first sometimes. It's not a nice place to be in, I imagine, that. No. It is, isn't it? Because he's getting attention. He feels a million dollars. No, but I'm on about the situation where you're basically just plodding through life because of the kids and the mortgage and all that sort of stuff. That's not a... That's not a happy place, is it?
That's not a nice place to be in and probably not great for the kids either. No, you can still be a good dad. Yeah, you can still be. You can still earn money and you can still... beyond good terms with nah you've got your mojo back you can slip into other people's DMs can I go can I go in yeah unknown kosher saved my skin Morning, lads.
Quick tale about how my bacon was saved by an unknown kosher and how your podcast is helping the listeners. I emailed a while back about a T-shirt tan issue prior to a holiday. Pleased to say things are still going strong and I am the happiest I've been in years. Things have progressed to the point of a recent holiday with our kids and this is where the incident took place.
Can you remember the email? Yeah. Is it him with the t-shirt in Turkey? No, yeah, but were he going on holiday and he were really white? Yeah. And he wanted to know if he'd watched Sunbed and all that before he went? Yeah. And did he send a picture of a previous holiday when he... He had the t-shirt on. He looked outrageously white, yeah. I think that might be it.
So, obviously, things have progressed from there and he's going on his first holiday with the kids. So it's gone well. Yeah. Sometimes the advice does work. Exactly. Yeah. On the holiday, it was strongly hinted that I was in for some action one afternoon and that it was going to be X-rated fun at bedtime. So he's dropped a few hints. He's getting excited on the sunbeds.
I love this as I had all afternoon to look forward to it and enjoyed the thought and anticipation of what was coming my way. It also gave me some time to prepare, so I was match fit and ready for the session upcoming. That's when I struggle. As soon as I've got, as soon as I've had the, this is what's happening. You want it now? I'm leaving the pool. Leaving the pool, yeah.
Leave the kids with some of the parents. I want it. I want it all. I want it all. I want it all. And I want it now. As part of the preparation, I thought I'd go and have a good clear out and clean up in case a stray finger was inserted up my trumpet, as this has happened previously. I don't mind it, and after a hesitant start to a finger up my bum, I quite like it.
LAUGHTER
See, just open your eyes to it. It was him that gave the advice. Fur is fur and ultimately what is good for the goose is good for the gander and all that. Now, the hotel had a hot tub which I was enjoying when I got the tummy feeling that it was time to batch. I hopped out, threw on my white dressing gown which was provided and made my way to the room. Once there, I grabbed my phone for a game of
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Chapter 6: How does a friend's Instagram message lead to unexpected emotions?
Yeah. So I didn't know if we got enough milk in his room before we checked in or not. Just opportune moment. I want to nick some of this milk. So I've just got my hand in the thing and the cleaner came out of the room. You know, we're like, I need some more milk. Is that okay? I didn't even know we might have had enough milk. I just wanted to nick some on the way past.
Big grabber, you know, the little plastic shitty things. Just grab the handful. I'd have gone shower gel if there was any. I got caught stealing, effectively. Yeah. But it's just like nicking somebody. If you're an hotel cleaner, you must never need shampoo or body wash. Milk, coffee, tea bags. Dressing out slippers, maybe, if you're looking at a high-end one. Oh, no.
You've seen some stuff, haven't you? Rochdale, 90 plus 6, 1-0. No way.
Oh!
90 plus 5. No way. No way, man. Sorry, Chrissie. It's okay. 107 points. Captain Caveman's nosebleed. Have you read this one? No. All right, gents. Observe the blars. You're funnier than Nevin Keane. Than? Nevin Keane. What's Nevin Keane? Gary Neville and Roy Keane, maybe? Oh, Nevin... I thought it was one... It's not that ill and pissed. Nevin Keane. Pissed.
If you don't mind, keep me anonymous. It doesn't affect me, but not sure if the person in question listens to the podcast. He's happily married with kids and I doubt they'd want to hear this. Going back to early 2000s and having the ability to drink Friday, Saturday and Sunday and play two games of football in that space of time. The golden years. This was all before WhatsApp groups.
I used to work away Monday to Friday so my contact with mates would be limited. Friday would come and I could guarantee that by 11 o'clock I'd have the message. Diff. In brackets, Cardiff. Been very good friends for years and he honestly wouldn't mind me saying he is one ugly fucker. I mean, he might accept it, but would he mind you not saying it?
He might not cause an argument, but I don't really think he wants you to. He's not done there, so I hope he doesn't listen to this podcast. Awful teeth, chubby, and bright ginger hair. Oh, you surf. But what he lacks in looks is made up in personality. Ah, he's singing, isn't he? Right on the theme. Duckling.
By far one of the funniest people I've ever met and would do absolutely anything for shits and giggles. An ugly little ginger duckling. So a night out in the diff is on. Myself, Colin and a few others head to a local that's dirt cheap for drinks for a few before heading into the city. It was the last Colin you met. I've got an uncle Colin. Yeah. There was a Colin in my school. What, in your year?
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Chapter 7: What advice do the hosts give about relationships and self-care?
Yeah. You fat cunt. Call in. You can find somewhere better than bin bags. You can walk another two or three minutes and find somewhere better than the bin bags. That's all I'll say. Yeah. You're not settling for... Have you ever seen the video where there were two people shagging out behind a nightclub in Barnsley and somebody's gone up and dunked David Attenborough? No.
Here we have the fatopotamus. Have you ever seen that? Fuck me. What, a voiceover of it or is somebody on camera? Somebody on camera, he's behind the nightclub.
automatic automatic and he's gone up filming and he says here we have the something along the lines are they no completely oblivious to his presence the fat apotemat or something like that and i'll have to get it you're gonna have to find it yeah but to be fair the guy who uh or on top of the bird
I know somebody who knows him, because it went a bit viral or whatever, his work found out, he got fucking sacked. No. You're a bouncer. It's probably, I bet it's a minute, and he's David Attenborough-ing for a minute. And could they hear him? I presume so. Weren't that far away. Also, they're not oblivious to his presence. Not in the end, I presume, but to start with.
I don't think it was a set-up. It wasn't a set-up scene. Can I come to Friday Club for a bit of advice? Not advice, opinion. Is everything all right? Yeah. Well, yeah. But, you know, I've said in the recent weeks, I'm ready to lose a few pounds, should we say. You fat cunt.
But Rose has insinuated, and she'd always put my happiness first, knowing that I want to lose a few, but she's insinuated that she doesn't want me to lose any weight and prefers me a bit more cuddly. I get that. Yeah. So... What's the advice? Just opinion, I suppose. Not advice. No, to be fair, I think it'll be quite common, that. Yeah. To be fair, mate, right, I've been genuinely serious.
Like, you don't look fat. Your body-wise looks sound. You know, like back in the day when somehow your cheeks were big. Unhealthy. Your cheeks were looking unhealthy. Beaver-esque. Yeah. But your face is not beaver-esque at the minute. So I would say body-wise. But I would like to lose, you know, when you feel just that little bit. Rotund. What are you thinking? Half a stone? Yeah, max.
Maybe meet in the middle then. Just a bit more? Yeah. Because if you lose half a stone, you're not going to be... I get it when you can get too skinny. But then I think, you know... If I get too skinny, I don't think Louise would like it. Do you know, nah. I don't think you look big, nah. Nah. Tell you what, when I used to play, I used to gauge it. I never used to go up scales.
I used to gauge it by... So I'd sit on the toilet like that, right? Yeah. And if I could see the top of my leg there, I were all right. Yeah, if I could see the top of my leg there, I were all right. What, like your hip crease? Just that, that there. I'm fucked. Oh, fucking hell, you fat bastard. Did you get that, Matty? Did you get the stage with that, fucker?
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Chapter 8: What funny incident unfolds involving a dressing gown?
I think we need to do more of that. You know, the live action. Positions. I did like the way you got your arms and then pulled you in. Yeah. Pulled yourself in. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. Till next time. Yes. Oh, the gosh. It's the Friday Club, the weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club, bing bang bosh, with all of your favourites from under the cusp.
So if you want to share a story or relive a former glory, fatter the wheat or clap in them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.