Dr. Wendy Walsh: The Science of Love, Sex & Modern Relationships
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Today on We're Out of Time, I'm joined by Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert, author, and professor of psychology at Cal State Channel Islands. She's the host of the Dr. Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 640 and iHeart Radio, and one of the most trusted voices on the science of love connection and human behavior. Wendy, thrilled to have you.
Thank you so much for having me here.
Pleasure's all mine, believe me. So we're going to get right into it. You often say love is a science. What do you mean by that?
People think it's a mystery, and it's not. It's actually pretty quantifiable. And I should tell you that the reason why I became interested in this area, the science of love, is because I had what I thought was such bad luck in relationships, dating so many bad boys and playboys and people that couldn't make a commitment, and my heart was constantly being broken. And then I realized there was a common denominator in every one of my relationships.
You?
Me. I was picking them, right? And so once I learned that love is actually partly biological, partly psychological, and partly social, and that it could be broken down into components and steps, the truth is relationships aren't about luck, they're about skill. And when you have good relationship skills, you are not only attracted to more people, you're attractive to more people.
I want to go through the three.
Sure.
Okay.
Let's start with biology. So we are wired to attract based on our genealogy. Some people call it chemistry. They don't know how to quantify it. Well, we know how to quantify it. Sometimes there are pheromones that we literally smell each other to tell if the person has a disparate, a different immune system as ours. Back in our anthropological past, when we met a potential mate... Can we go back? Yeah.
Okay. So that's great if you're smelling somebody.
Yes.
Right?
But if you... Dating apps, problem there.
I don't even know how to do that. But... If you look at somebody from across the room.
Okay. That's the visual piece. So we also have visual triggers. We know certainly that men are more visually wired than women are. Women have to be more choosy, but we also have these triggers from our past. Like I used to say, ah, you know, he's so hot and weird thing is he has kind of a voice like my dad, or he has a certain kind of walk that kind of reminds me of my dad. I was quite self-aware. that I was pulling pieces of my father, who a loving great dad, was in the Navy and gone most of the time. So my internal, now let's get into psychology, my internal working model for love was one mixed with longing. If I wasn't longing, it wasn't love.
What does Dr. Wendy Walsh mean when she says love is a science?
I didn't understand it. That is so heartbreaking. Love is not about finding happiness. It's actually about finding the familiar. And if our early life was filled with loss... That's what we think love is.
Because that was our model.
That was the model, right? Then we get into sociology, which is most people talk about, right? The mating marketplace right now. We're in a time where we have an oversupply of successful women in the mating marketplace.
Wait, one more time. An oversupply of successful women?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So the worst place for a young working woman who wants to reproduce to live is would be New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, any big urban center, because she is surging ahead in her education, in her money. The men are because, and I should say, the other piece of sociology is that when you put sex out into the culture in high supply,
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–3:47
2
What does Dr. Wendy Walsh mean when she says love is a science?
3:47–7:04
3
How do attachment patterns influence relationship choices?
7:04–14:54
4
What is the modern mating marketplace and its challenges?
14:54–27:56
5
How does chronic pornography use affect relationships?
27:56–47:00
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from We're Out of Time
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