Why You Don't Feel Good Enough | Self-Worth with Dr. Marisa Franco
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Why do people with low self‑esteem reject compliments and positive feedback?
So when I was doing all of this research on self-esteem, I found something interesting. That the people with the lowest self-esteem are the most likely to reject compliments. If they're with a spouse that loves them too much, they're less intimate with them. Uh when good things happen to them they get sicker. And when people give them positive feedback, their blood pressure rises. Even when they say affirmations like I love myself, they feel worse after.
If someone has a problem with substance use disorder, please call one call placement. That's eight eight eight eight three one one five eight one. And if we can't help you, we'll make a referral to someone who can. Please, we're out of time. One call placement is affiliated with Carrera Treatment Wellness and SPA and One Method Treatment Centers.
Before we start the conversation today, I want to deliver a personal message. Every day families across America lose someone they love to an overdose. Many of those deaths are preventable when communities have the right education, resources, and support. That's why I've partnered with the CDC Foundation through their COPE, Community Overdose Prevention Efforts campaign, and committed to matching every donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000. I've spent my life helping people recover from addiction. But if we can get to the place of prevention first, this would help save so many more lives. I hope you'll join me in supporting the CDC Foundation's overdose prevention work at CDCfoundation dot org slash cope.
You can also visit the link below in the show notes to donate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Today on We're Out of Time, our guest is one of the country's leading experts on friendship, attachment, and human connection. Dr. Marissa Franco is a psychologist Professor at the University of Maryland, international speaker, and New York Times best selling author, whose worked has helped millions better understand why we connect the way we do. Her new book Worth challenges everything we think we know about self esteem and explains why real healing doesn't begin with confidence. It begins with honesty. Please welcome doctor Marissa Franco. Your new book makes a pretty bold claim that confidence isn't what builds self esteem, so what does?
Mm. Honesty. Honesty about the parts of ourselves that aren't okay. I think a lot of us have been taught when it comes to worth to fake it till you make it, push it down, don't let people see you sweat. But the problem is you can't heal parts of yourself you refuse to acknowledge. So worth is about creating a container to be honest for all that you feel. rather than trying to force yourself to become something different.
You write that unworthiness is really an inability to accept love. What do you mean by that?
Yeah, so when I was doing all this research on self esteem, I found something interesting. That the people with the lowest self esteem are the most likely to reject compliments. If they're with a spouse that loves them too much, they're less intimate with them. Uh, when good things happen to them, they get sicker. And when people give them positive feedback, their blood pressure rises. Even when they say affirmations like I love myself, they feel worse after. And so it's sort of like, what is going on here? Why do people that feel unworthy reject the very things that might make them feel good about themselves? And I learned that our sense of self-worth is a theory of self. It's a theory of self and other.
And so if we have low self-worth, we think people will reject us. And if we are given information to the contrary, It doesn't elevate our sense of self. It reveals how deeply entrenched our sense of self is. Because when people threaten your theory of how the world works, it creates a sense of incoherence, unpredictability. You feel defenseless as to what will happen next. Things feel chaotic. So how our psyches work is we'd rather hold on to our theory of self and the world than change it, even if doing so would make us better able to receive love and be loved.
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