How Many Times Can You Betray Me?
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What is the initial conflict that brings the couple to Esther’s office?
None of the voices in this series are ongoing patients of Esther Perel. Each episode of Where Should We Begin is a one-time counseling session. For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality, names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed, but their voices and their stories are real.
We have a really brutal beginning. because of me there has been this big offense to my relationship with my son postpartum and it involves his mother my mother's very difficult figure when she came with the intention of helping us i sat kind of by the wayside while my mother was brutal it was like really traumatic we're not actually in contact with her anymore she denies that there was anything that went wrong there It was me essentially following the rules of my own family. There's a lot of pain still in our relationship because there hasn't been full healing from all of this. I'm just doing my best to show that I love her and earn some kind of trust back.
Every couple goes through an interview before they come on the podcast. where we get to hear what is the issue, why now, and what they hope to achieve. And sometimes there is a direct line between what happens in the session and what they spoke about during the intake interview. But sometimes, An intake interview highlights a central issue. And then when I meet the couple, this is just one branch on a tree. They're all the other branches, each one. In this case, one rupture after another. So his opening line is, the beginning of our relationship was brutal. And it was brutal because of me. That in itself sets me up for understanding that there is a suitcase that this man brings with him around attachment, around safety, around loyalty, around honesty.
He has been dissociated for many, many years. And he found a partner that was going to feel, experience and express all the emotions he could not access. When I meet them, they have been together 14 years and they have a child who's four.
When we met, she was much younger and I was older. I had already a strong practice of keeping in sexual texting touch with a lot of exes, that because it was not physical, I did not give any weight to it being actual infidelity and thought that there was essentially a separate compartment that was my own, that I could do what I wanted. And she understood that something wasn't right and was asking me constantly, but I did not come forward with any of that. So I betrayed her trust, told her that she didn't know what she was talking about, hadn't had enough experience, didn't understand that this is how you do things.
You belittled her.
Yes, yes.
How does the couple describe the pattern of betrayals that developed over the years?
And it took me a long time to acknowledge that there was a hunting for affection that was almost insatiable for me and that I was getting a sense of worth from outside, essentially. It took a lot of fighting and a lot of pain that I inflicted for me to finally see that and stop. So that was year probably one through two or three. So all of our relational foundation, through our marriage, through having our child, it's only been in the last few years that I feel actually able to see things better from her perspective and see truly what I was doing during those times.
What's the ultimate rupture? What's the thing that you did that called the ultimate rapture, the most important one?
So it was after our child was born. And my mother is very difficult. And we brought her in because we had a puppy. The idea would be she would take care of the puppy and we would be able to be with our child. And She took the baby, and there was no need for the baby to get care. But my mother kept imposing her want, and I allowed that. When my wife was saying, I'm having a really tough time, I didn't stop it. I just kept asking, tell me what you want me to do and I'll do what you want. But she was looking for help. She was looking to be a unit altogether. And when she finally said no, then my mother left. And I think at that point she realized she was on her own there. And that despite asking for help, I was not able to see that or step up to that.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the initial conflict that brings the couple to Esther’s office?
0:02–3:44
2
How does the couple describe the pattern of betrayals that developed over the years?
3:44–11:41
3
What was the pivotal postpartum rupture that changed their relationship dynamics?
11:41–23:13
4
How did the husband’s loyalty to his mother create a major rupture in the marriage?
23:13–31:50
5
What is the difference between shame and accountability in their conflict?
31:50–44:06
6
Why does the wife feel anger is missing and how does that affect healing?
44:06–49:30
7
How do childhood family systems continue to influence their present pain?
49:30–55:05
8
What steps do Esther and the couple identify for truly repairing the betrayal?
55:05–55:27