On Again/Off Again
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
What you are about to hear is a classic session of Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel. None of the voices in the series are ongoing patients of Esther Perel's, and each episode is a one time counseling session. For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality. Names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed. But their voices and their stories are real.
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They met in high school, they fell in love in college. They had a child soon thereafter.
We dated for about maybe a year. And we got pregnant. and had a daughter And we broke up. Probably say like maybe four months after she was born. We worked up for a really long time and we really didn't have any kind of Communication. I know I did a majority of the parenting.
He married another woman. She married another woman. He had another child with that woman. She had the daughter that they had together. For the past fifteen plus years, they've been in and out. You know, his family and
my family were very skeptical of us getting back together, but we just kind of looked at them and we're like, you know, nobody around us is in a successful relationship. And so I'm not going to listen to anything that you have to say about how to do this.
Each time they come back together it starts out strong and intense and then it flatlines.
I think that we're missing some things and that I haven't quite figured out how to solve it. I think it's mostly me, but Who knows? I want to take care of him and I want to love him but I'm also afraid that if I leave him he will go further down this really lonely, dark, depressed like he'll just spiral out.
This time she says, I want to break the pattern. I want a different kind of relationship with him.
I just want that person who is so hopeful about what we could do together. I want that person back.
But he's so shut down. And I need to know if he's gonna do the work. And so when we start the session, I ask him what would make this a productive conversation? What would make this a useful session?
It would be me being more capable of opening up. And being less Unless closed off. And less private, I guess, and my own emotions and inner thoughts and things of that nature.
Does she have a unique? Position in your world of closeness. Or do your daughters? benefit from the same closeness or do they benefit from greater openness?
Well I I would say I I'm fairly closed off with everyone for whatever reason.
I
probably She She I I talked to her about a lot that's going on in my mind, but it's all like news and politics. And she thinks like, Well, why is it only that? But like It's seriously that's just what's happening in my head like all day all the time.
You can start with politics. But it's politics. seem to have a great personal meaning for you as well.
I guess in my mind like there are a lot of things that I will I want to change just like I don't like to see so many people struggling and suffering and having such a hard time.
How did the couple first meet and what led to the birth of their child?
And I I lived in that position for a long a long time. So I know what it's like. So А гес, дас пробли the reason why I I'm constantly analyzing what's going on and why these things happen the way they do, because I've I've dealt with suffering of my own. I've I've struggled I struggled As a young adult for a long time and probably just over the last maybe five years got some got myself to a point of feeling like stable and okay with like where I am.
Would you share a little with me?
Whoa
So
like um
by the way, what you just did Was beautiful.
Yeah,
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–4:37
2
How did the couple first meet and what led to the birth of their child?
4:37–9:25
3
What role does depression play in their relationship dynamics?
9:25–14:11
4
How do childhood experiences and family patterns influence their current struggles?
14:11–19:51
5
What challenges do they face in co‑parenting and how do they try to manage them?
19:51–29:15
6
What are the couple’s main goals for this therapy session?
29:15–36:50
7
How does each partner describe their sense of safety, openness, and vulnerability?
36:50–44:48
8
What insights emerge about trust, expectations, and the desire for a deeper connection?
44:48–56:56