Jacob freaks out about seeing Esau again and immediately ranks his household by their human-shield potential. God overdoes his attempts to lift Jacob’s spirits by staging an all-night wrestling match. Several dozen clotheslines later, Jacob is left with a broken hip and new name, Israel. Luckily for The Artist Formerly Known As Jacob, Esau turns out to be chill, and brotherly love prevails. Unluckily, his only daughter, Dina, catches the eye of a douchebag rapist. Dina’s brothers insist that the price for her hand in marriage is one metric ton of foreskin. After Circumcision Day comes Judgment Day, as the brothers get medieval on every man in the city, who are too busy holding ice to their groins to defend themselves. We wrap up with a Sesame Street special where Esau demonstrates the power of genetic inheritance. (Genesis 32:4-36:43)

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“What did the council decide on item 42?” — answered with the speaker and the moment.

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