The Sleaze Bag Starter Kit w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 875
episode
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
56 min
3 speakers
8 chapters
transcribed 22 days ago
Transcript
jump: chapters · speakers · find in transcriptTranscript
Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
What is the opening premise of this episode?
Well welcome.
How does Ian help Christina navigate the post‑divorce “care package”?
Welcome to your mom's house.
What caused Ian’s gout to turn into kidney stones and how did he handle it?
You can't you brought me presents.
I brought you gifts. I brought you presents.
What’s the latest on Tony Johns and his “homeless era”?
Yeah.
Who is the mysterious “whistler” and what’s his update?
Is
are those for me?
What’s the story behind the bizarre “pissing gadget” clip?
These
flowers are for Niana.
What is the “YMH Cool Guy House” concept and how would it work?
Um where is she?
These are for you. Oh my goodness. Yes.
How do the hosts wrap up the show and what are the final take‑aways?
Uh I know that um endings can be tough, but new beginnings are wonderful to look forward to. So those are for you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. I love your show. I love your
show. Are we getting married
now?
Yeah. That's I actually I'm gonna give you one of my little rings.
Um This is lovely. Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome. Um
That's my first bouquet of flowers. Post
Really? Yeah. Like I've
I've not been I've been courted online. Really? But not
have your DMs been a minefield?
I've stopped looking.
Good for you. Good for you.
I don't I'm not ready to I mean I do it for the show. We'll f we'll play some fucking bangers. Oh,
that's fun.
Let's just listen, the reason we're in a hurry today and it's my fault. I'm so sorry you guys Guys
No, it's not your fault. It's my fault because I was late. There was a line at the CVS where I got my gifts and I was gonna steal them, but the guy recognized me and was like, Oh no, I have to pay for everything. Uh and so don't take the blame for yourself. It is my fault. But I would normally But I would
normally just stay later, but today is the first day of school in Texas. Yeah, it's like all You're doing this? You're a fucking superhero dude. Holy shit. But full disclosure, that means I gotta get out of here at a certain time. So I'm sorry guys, this is gonna be a little shorter than usual.
Well, that just means I have to get out of here. Yes. Yeah, that's quite yes, and I'm sure you're gonna hear that a lot now that you're single. I'm sorry, this is a lot shorter than usual. Uh It won't hit the back, but it'll fuck the sides up. I'm sorry. Okay, I tell
you something. I'm so glad you're here because I've got so many fucked up clips. So why don't we just get into it? Hold on. What's that guy? Oh, here he is. Okay.
Should I keep should I just not give you the other gifts? Oh,
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I'm so d this is a st give it to me, please. I'm dying to see what you got me.
Um
Wow, I'm so so Well,
you're single now, so we need to prepare you for this new world you're entering. And I know it's been a while, and I feel like I'm a good person to usher you into the dating world. But the most important part about dating is safety. So you're gonna be getting jammed out a lot, okay? You're gonna be getting some things going on. Get tested uh monthly, bi-monthly a couple times just to be safe. The condoms are a great form of safety. Safe sex, but also so is knowing your status. So I got you condoms. Three different types. Uh pleasure pack. One for you, extra sensitive thin, and then one to make the guy last longer.
Thank you. Uh huh. That's really nice. And if you really
want to make up for lost time, I got you Magnum so you can fuck a black guy. That'll be great. Wow.
Wow. Yeah. This is really thoughtful. Thank you.
And you know, you gotta take care of your health, so we don't want you to get long term UTI, so I got you cranberry juice. You know, you gotta pop that out. Uh I also got you some UTI pills. You're
the fucking best, Ian. Yeah.
And
um
you know, if if you want to get crazy, I got Yastroclide for anal. Um, that's for you. And also, guess what? A part of knowing pleasure is knowing yourself. So if you don't wanna date and go out and have sex, that's your choice and that's fine. So I got you a vibrator for CBS. You can jam your clam too whatever you want.
Wow, they sell these? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pharmacy? Wow, I was gonna get you a
rabbit booze a little bit.
Wow, what section of the pharmacy did you find that
Adult Needs.
Well, this is really sp see, this is why it's great to be friends with comedians when your life is in the toilet.
Yeah.
This is the best. Thank you so much. How very thoughtful. You should like sell this as a care package for someone that's newly divorced, the divorce package. I should put together things
and sell them on the road in a slea I'll call it a sleaze bag. It'll be everything you need and I'll have like some little like merch things for myself.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the opening premise of this episode?
0:01–0:03
2
How does Ian help Christina navigate the post‑divorce “care package”?
0:03–0:11
3
What caused Ian’s gout to turn into kidney stones and how did he handle it?
0:11–0:15
4
What’s the latest on Tony Johns and his “homeless era”?
0:15–0:16
5
Who is the mysterious “whistler” and what’s his update?
0:16–0:17
6
What’s the story behind the bizarre “pissing gadget” clip?
0:17–0:21
7
What is the “YMH Cool Guy House” concept and how would it work?
0:21–0:27
8
How do the hosts wrap up the show and what are the final take‑aways?
0:27–56:06
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
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