Adam Grant

Then I offer something that costs me nothing, but I hope is beneficial to them.

For the most common requests, I've written up responses to frequently asked questions.

Strangers seeking career advice get a list of my favorite books, articles, and podcasts.

Authors asking for forwards get a brain dump of the lessons I've learned about how to promote a book.

And companies seeking speakers get recommendations for authors who are launching new books.

That speaks to the final strategy, the referral.

It's called referral aversion.

We're also afraid that by passing the baton, we'll be letting others down.

And it turns out those fears are generally misplaced.

The day that I became not only comfortable, but also enthusiastic about saying, you know what, I actually know someone who's more qualified to help on this and also is gonna take more time for you.

The day I was excited to do that is the day I felt like I was starting to get over this chronic need to be liked.

And I think that it sort of crystallized for me as a difference between being needed and being valued.

That if I felt like other people needed me,

I felt like they were dependent on me and it was creating a sense of obligation that I had to help them.

And I would worry about them.

I would feel guilty if I let them down.

And what I want is to be valued.

The data point to several ways to do that.

To avoid imposing, you can ask, would you or someone you know be willing to... Vanessa finds that it also helps to give people the words to say no.

When I make requests, I often say, no pressure, no obligation, no repercussions.