Adam Grant

And when I invited Vanessa to this podcast, I couldn't resist writing, if you'd like to refuse, please say the words, hell no.

Another way to show respect is giving people time to process.

How much less?

In one study, Vanessa found that people were 34 times more likely to say yes face-to-face than by email.

I'm so glad you brought that up.

I was just talking with our students about this, and we had an example where a student said she's one of the only people she knows on campus with a car.

So whenever anybody she knows needs something that requires transportation, they basically impose on her for car privileges.

And she said it was starting to damage some of her friendships, and they were using her, but she didn't want to hurt the relationship.

And I was like, look at this from the other side, which is every time you say yes, you are licensing and reinforcing that behavior.

And you're failing to educate people and teach them that you have boundaries.

And so setting a boundary is actually not only a chance for you to protect your time and your relationships, it's also a chance for those people to learn what's a reasonable ask and what's inappropriate.

I had a colleague who just kept asking me shamelessly for things that were unreasonable in the first place, like, will you read and comment line by line on seven of my papers?

And, you know, I did my usual polite no's, and he just would not go away.

And finally, it must have been the seventh or eighth request, I wrote back and I said, I'm working on getting better at saying no.

Thank you for the practice.

Don't be afraid to have some fun with it.

E.B.

White, the author of Charlotte's Web, once turned down an invitation by writing, "'I must decline for secret reasons.'"

An amusing or thoughtful no may well be appreciated more than a thoughtless yes, as Sherry Liu found out.

She got in the habit of explaining her boundaries and conveying care.