Adrian Kaler
speaker
107 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Adrian Kaler’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
They'll say, oh shit, three years. And I'll say, great, this is what you like. And they'll say, no, it's not. And I'll say, prove it to me. And they don't have an answer because they've tolerated it up until now. So there are payoffs to the dysfunction. Have I lost you? Are we good?
So let me finish. I was just making sure. Sometimes I get too philosophical or too way out there and I lose people. So anyway, this is the type of rigorous honesty that someone must take on to transform. Transform is very distinct from making something better, if that makes sense. We don't want incremental change. We want to transform the thing.
So to transform it, the only thing that generates transformation is someone's willingness to take rigorous responsibility for current reality and to be willing to own that and still be hopeful and still be clear about what they're committed to, like the phoenix from the ashes type idea. Like, okay, it's that bad, and I can still choose tomorrow who I am right now. Like, choose for tomorrow.
Like, it will get better because I will transform. And a leader that stands up and does that can shift a whole room. There's a reason why they don't. And the reason why I don't at times, because I take guts and I have to be willing to die. Like figuratively and, you know, whatever, maybe financially, maybe I get fired, maybe blah, blah, blah. Like, you know, there's a lot of risk in there.
But if you're willing to die, then you can, you know, it's like that bet. My dad's watching Band of Brothers here. I'm home for Thanksgiving. And there's a famous scene from Band of Brothers where the sergeant or the lieutenant, the good looking guy is. And he's in the foxhole with a new guy. And the new guy's like literally pissing his pants. You remember the scene?
And he says, oh, the problem is you haven't died yet. or something like that, like the guy already was ready to die. Therefore, he could go win the battle, that type of idea. So if you take personal rigorous honesty and do a real clear accounting and then open that up as a leader like, hey, guys, this is horrible. I know it's horrible. I know you guys hate each other.
I just did this in a meeting with a client like this, this clearly, this rigorously. I said to them, I said, Hey, if I'm involved, we're going to transform this culture. And some of you don't want the health you say you want. And you need to go back home and think about it. Because you're used to dysfunction. And health is going to require a lot more from you than the dysfunction has.
And then they were like, you know, arguing with me for a while, but they got it at a deep level. And they were all nodding by the end like, Oh, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna have to be honest. Now. I used to be able to hide and gossip. Now I have to be honest.
So as a leader, if you're willing to do that, take rigorous honesty, have all the conversations you've been avoiding, set the standard moving forward for yourself first and then other people. And then you don't avoid anything moving forward. Like results are a manifestation of conversation always. So it all comes back to the conversational level.
And most leaders would rather not talk about the issues just because we're humans. And a lot because we're dudes. At least the guys struggle with this more than the women. The women are just better at it, trained. It's more socially acceptable to talk about relational stuff and emotional stuff for women. So there's some bigger climb for guys. But that's why I like working with alpha guys.
Because there's a lot of unlocks that are pretty quick and very rapid. And there's a lot of freedom for them.
Wow. Well, this is a whole day long conversation because there's a lot here. You have 29 minutes.
But you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm taking my time with where to begin. So you noticed even as you described it, a lot of it was fear. And that's OK. And it's, you know, because the question isn't how do I say what's true for me? The question is for the person naturally is how do I say it so they get what I mean? Yes. Right. And that's impossible.
So the meaning of any conversation is in the listener, not in the speaker. We know that neurologically. The meaning of every communication is in the ears of the listener. So people do use this framework, though, to avoid conversations. Like, I don't know how to say this so that Susie hears it this way. And they use that to keep avoiding. And therefore, they are having the conversation with her.
The conversation, though, is it's not worth the fight. That's the conversation they're having. You're so sensitive. This is the other conversation they're having. You're so sensitive, I can't say what I want. So it's condescension. You are so immature, we can't talk about it. That's what that's also saying. Now, I'm being a little bombastic maybe or dramatic, but it's pretty close to what's true.
just to make the point. But that's also, so, you know, nature abhors a void, says Peterson, right? So if you don't say something, the conversation is still happening. It's just the one you say you want isn't happening. It's not the one you actually want because you actually do exactly what you really want.
So not having it, avoiding it with all your 55 reasons why I can't, that's the conversation that's there. So I come at it from that premise. Um, so you, but you can't manage someone else's thoughts, but you can obviously influence them. I know that's your background as a sales guy, marketing guy is you do want to influence, but the best thing to do is to say, I, here's what I would advise.
And here's what I tell myself is there's some things I need to talk about. I want to talk about, I think we need to talk about, I don't know how to say them and it's real slippery and there's landmines all over it in the culture. So can we tap dance for a while and give ourselves some grace? Because I want to kind of describe for you what I'm experiencing.
And I hope we have enough grace to really hear each other. So we're going to go real slowly, not because we're idiots, but because these are touchy subjects. and try to make sure we understand each other and really understand where each other is coming from in which is always the conversation people are having as well. Like we're listening to someone like I'm listening to you, Ryan.
I'm going to be in, uh, also several other conversations at the same time. Do I like Ryan? Do I trust Ryan? Do I believe in, does he, is he here? Is he an enemy or a friend? Does he have my best interest at heart? Does he understand me? What's he think about me and all my insecurities are going to fly up.
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