Alison Wood Brooks

And instead, what you could do is after that group conversation has ended, you could pull that person aside privately and just say like, hey, are you okay?

You seem really quiet.

Or was that fun for you?

Ask them questions to try and learn their perspective.

That's right.

Silence is often a sign of deference and respect.

And it's funny, public rhetoric so much is about like, well, let's empower people to speak up.

But often not speaking is a really lovely, very considered choice.

if you don't feel like you have something to add or if you feel like, oh, other people are on a roll and I don't want to interrupt that they're sharing these stories with each other.

So very often the choice to be quiet is kind and very polite.

Um, and you can't really tell the difference.

So if someone, if someone like Debra is in a group with Eduardo and Eduardo's feeling annoyed that Debra's not speaking, the question becomes, how do we get them to communicate with each other about what's going on privately in their minds?

Where Eduardo is feeling annoyed that Debra's not talking and Debra's sort of sitting there feeling like, well, I don't want to ask a question that's rude.

Um, so they're both coming from with, with virtuous motives.

Yeah.

and sort of need to know that about each other.

As an adult and understanding the importance of showing interest in others, I asked a new friend if they were renting their house in our neighborhood.

My thinking was to find out if they were happy with the neighborhood and wanted to stay permanently.

This person pulled me aside and asked me not to ask them that question again, especially in front of others.

They were offended by my question since the perceived implication was that if they rent, they can't afford to buy, and I had effectively broadcast that to everyone.