Boen Wang
speaker
122 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Boen Wang’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
And so my question is, in this alternate atheist reality that Andrew was raised in, does he also struggle with self-loathing? Does he not like himself? I don't like myself. Okay, alright, well, fine. But does he dislike himself the same amount as I do, in the same way?
Does he do the thing where I ask someone endless follow-up questions, and if they ask me something, I do verbal jujitsu and redirect it back to them, because I hate talking about myself, because I hate myself?
Like if Andrew is meeting one of his colleagues for the first time, he'll be like, What department are you in?
And if someone asks Andrew a question, like what his research is, he'll be like, Oh, I work in biostats, and then I just call it a day.
Andrew didn't even have to grow up Christian to hate himself, and for his self-hatred to manifest in the exact same way. So where is this coming from? Andrew doesn't believe in sin or God. Why do we hate ourselves, even though we were raised with such different beliefs? Well, Andrew thinks the answer might be right in front of us.
Our parents are from a very specific cohort of people who grew up during the Cultural Revolution, went to the best colleges in China, went abroad to get STEM PhDs, and got well-paying jobs in academia and pharmaceuticals and biomedicine.
So we're more or less on the same page when it comes to self-loathing. But what about the shame I feel about sex and sexuality? What about my inability to talk about the Horny Zendaya tennis movie with Grace? Does Andrew feel that same immense shame? So then how did you feel about sex morally?
Andrew started dating when he was 15. I didn't start until a decade later. When we tried to isolate the effect Christianity had on me, that's the word we kept returning to. Shame. The shame I feel about having a body, about being a wretched sinner in need of redemption. Andrew feels none of that. The shame goes to my very core, in a way that Andrew can't relate to.
I told him about how, even today, when I remember something embarrassing I said or did years ago... I'll still say out loud to myself because it's such a reflex at this point of like, oh, I hate myself. I should kill myself. Like, I verbalize that. You still say that? Yeah, you act surprised. Have you ever done this? Have you ever said no, no?
The Christian difference is a belief that my existence is fundamentally wrong. The Christian difference is a need to punish myself for my existence. I don't regret being raised Christian. I wouldn't be who I am today otherwise. And I'm incredibly grateful for everything my parents have done for me.
But in this one aspect, I know I would have experienced less pain if my dad had stood at that crossroads in the Oklahoma City airport and chosen a different path. I never told my parents about the damage Christianity caused me. I didn't want to make them feel bad or think I was blaming them. I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But now, it's what I finally decide to do.
At this point, it's the only thing I can do. I was actually damaged by going to church and being raised in church. Does that make sense? Like, do you understand that?
Really? Why do you feel that way?
You felt like you blindly believed?
So then do you have any regrets then about raising me and sister in the church?
I was not expecting this. I always thought my mom and dad were a united front, true believers. When I first interviewed my mom about converting to Christianity, she described it as this happy moment when she joined my dad in the same belief.
But when I came back to her a few months later...
My mom wants to be clear about this here on the radio. She will always be thankful to the people from church who helped her get on her feet, in the same way that I want to be clear that I'll always be thankful to my parents. But looking back, my mom sees that the kindness of Christians can be transactional. We give you free stuff, and in return, you go to church.
You think it's bribery?
That's a strong word, mom.
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