Candace the Magnificent

okay i'm gonna just look him up really quick he's the one who teaches rob schneider how to be a prostitute can you spell his name for me yes o-d-e-d f-e-h-r oh that's fair handsome older man oh oh yeah beautiful as a young man still beautiful as an old man good looking i want to see what i know him from because i've never seen the mummy

I know.

I'm terrible.

I understand that you are a mostly straight individual.

However, if you watch The Mummy, that might change some things for you.

Straight?

Questionable.

This is what I'm saying.

I mean, once upon a time...

In 1999, when you were but a child, if you were even born at that point, there was a movie called The Mummy.

And it is a film about a brother and sister, two siblings.

The brother is Brendan Fraser, who is an ultimate heartthrob.

Even thick now, still hot as fuck.

Fucking normalized fucking plus-size men, because damn.

Uh, and then, uh, Rachel Weisz, who is, like, eternally sexy and has married Daniel Craig, and I'm pretty sure they both are bisexual and swing all the time.

That's my headcanon about those two.

Oh, ideal.

Honestly.

Yes.

Genuinely.