Chris Addison

All you have to do is fund a bunch of seaside benches and mostly governments don't even have to fund those because they occur naturally in memory of Janice who loved this view.

They attract old people who stare at the sea all day.

And if something important happens, like Godzilla appears or Nigel Farage falls in the sea whilst live Instagramming actual human beings drowning, they'll tell us.

It's a completely foolproof system, except on Wednesdays when the bingo does two cars for the price of one and it's half off on curly fries between three and five.

I've never heard anybody say puffing was quite such contempt before.

That's excellent.

But also, no, that was a great idea creatively delivered.

Thanks.

Yeah, that's one of those things, I wish I'd thought of that.

You're both right about the cashless society.

This is why it's harder to rob banks now.

Everybody pays for things by phone.

It's a lot harder to rob a million pounds from a bank when it's in phones rather than cash money.

You can do the maths.

One million pounds in £50 banknotes is 20,000 banknotes.

A 50 pound banknote weighs precisely 1.27 grams, meaning that one million pounds in 50 pound notes is 25.4 kilograms, which is only slightly over the recommended limit for an untrained human to carry.

On the other hand,

An iPhone 17 Pro is 206 grams, which means that assuming the bill has been split equally and each phone is paying £50, the weight of a million pounds is now just over 4.1 tonnes, which is the upper end of what a forklift truck is able to carry, and that's without including the weight of the briefcase.

At top speed, a forklift truck can go about 15 miles an hour, but laden with 4.1 tonnes of iPhone 17 Pros plus a briefcase, it's more likely to be restricted to around 8 miles an hour.

A British police standard response vehicle tops out at about 120 miles an hour, probably even faster now that they're allowing those small policemen that you see about the place.