Chris Addison

That means that any police response vehicle is going to be able to go 15 times faster than a forklift truck.

If you think about it, this is why you very rarely see getaway forklifts, and even when you do, they're mostly on sitcoms, which are a different legal situation.

Nobody has ever been arrested for a sitcom, not even Mrs. Brown's boys.

The maximum number of iPhone 17 Pros an untrained human is recommended to carry is 123, meaning that the upper end of what a bank robber can make off with in the modern era is 6,150 pounds.

And according to a time management study commissioned by the ancient guild of highwaymen, footpads and ne'er-do-wells, the game really isn't worth the candle.

As a result, the number of bank robberies has plummeted with the unwelcome knock-on effect of drastically depressing sales of pairs of tights, which means, and I can hardly believe that I get to say this, the bottom has dropped out of the laundry market.

Yes.

Well, Andy, in the words of the Blues Brothers, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, sore eyes.

Listen, I get it.

Every government wants to have a little moral panic about something or other, right?

Computer games, video nasties, immigrants, you name it.

But as with all of these things, the problem is that they've identified the issue and are now racing to do something about it without taking the time to research and test properly.

What a blanket social media ban really needs is a pilot scheme.

But who?

Who would submit themselves to such a scheme?

Me.

Me, I would.

I'm begging you, Mr Starmer, please, Keir, ban me from being on social media.

Enact it in law.

Take precious time out of the already overfull parliamentary schedule to codify in the written statutes and practices of this land that I am legally no longer permitted to spend several hours a day scrolling through the Instagram stories of people I only followed back out of politeness who are relentlessly updating the world on the progress of their loft extension.