Chris Distefano

Immigration. Everyone, buckle up. Everyone, please stop saying there are two sides to this issue. We have to have a country with laws. The border should at least be as secure as the deodorant at CVS. If you want to get in, you have to hit a button and wait for ICE to come unlock the wall. But listen, that being said, we also have to celebrate legal immigrants. That's right.

Immigration. Everyone, buckle up. Everyone, please stop saying there are two sides to this issue. We have to have a country with laws. The border should at least be as secure as the deodorant at CVS. If you want to get in, you have to hit a button and wait for ICE to come unlock the wall. But listen, that being said, we also have to celebrate legal immigrants. That's right.

Even though I look like the fire chief of Ronkonkoma, my wife and kids are Puerto Rican. Hola. So, yeah. So I know how it feels when people hate on the Latino community. What's up, dad? Look, the reality is this. Immigrants can make our country better. For instance, our soccer team has never won a single World Cup. It's embarrassing.

Even though I look like the fire chief of Ronkonkoma, my wife and kids are Puerto Rican. Hola. So, yeah. So I know how it feels when people hate on the Latino community. What's up, dad? Look, the reality is this. Immigrants can make our country better. For instance, our soccer team has never won a single World Cup. It's embarrassing.

How about free green cards to anyone who can make a penalty kick? Right? It's a good idea. That's what I thought. I mean, let's get it done. Vamanosotros or whatever. I'm not, it's hard for me to learn Spanish. That's for my wife and kids to talk shit about me. I mean, crap. Sorry, mommy.

How about free green cards to anyone who can make a penalty kick? Right? It's a good idea. That's what I thought. I mean, let's get it done. Vamanosotros or whatever. I'm not, it's hard for me to learn Spanish. That's for my wife and kids to talk shit about me. I mean, crap. Sorry, mommy.

As you can see, I actually know what I'm talking about on this subject because like I said, I not only have a Puerto Rican family, but I'm also from Queens, the most diverse community in America. And yeah, right? And look, hey, look how I turned out. I'm only kind of racist.

As you can see, I actually know what I'm talking about on this subject because like I said, I not only have a Puerto Rican family, but I'm also from Queens, the most diverse community in America. And yeah, right? And look, hey, look how I turned out. I'm only kind of racist.

So what I'm saying is this country should welcome everyone who wants to meaningfully contribute to American society, except Dominicans. I'm sorry, but yeah, like I said, I'm Puerto Rico, papi. And apparently there's bad blood, but I don't speak Spanish and my kids will teach me. So either way, this one's soft. All right. Yeah. There we go. No, seriously, that was, I was nervous on that one.

So what I'm saying is this country should welcome everyone who wants to meaningfully contribute to American society, except Dominicans. I'm sorry, but yeah, like I said, I'm Puerto Rico, papi. And apparently there's bad blood, but I don't speak Spanish and my kids will teach me. So either way, this one's soft. All right. Yeah. There we go. No, seriously, that was, I was nervous on that one.

That was a controversial subject. So I want to get to something a little lighter. So hit me. All right, can I spin again? Can I spin again? Because I just, I don't want to say anything. Yeah, can we just get rid of the trans rights? On the board, not in life. On the board, Jesus Christ, don't clip that.

That was a controversial subject. So I want to get to something a little lighter. So hit me. All right, can I spin again? Can I spin again? Because I just, I don't want to say anything. Yeah, can we just get rid of the trans rights? On the board, not in life. On the board, Jesus Christ, don't clip that.

That was close. Wiggled out. OK, Doge, please do not tell me you're against the government running more efficiently. I mean, anyone who says that doesn't remember the DMV before they installed the bakery number system. I mean, right. Remember that? It's still too slow, though. I mean, by the time I get to the window, I forget why I'm even there.

That was close. Wiggled out. OK, Doge, please do not tell me you're against the government running more efficiently. I mean, anyone who says that doesn't remember the DMV before they installed the bakery number system. I mean, right. Remember that? It's still too slow, though. I mean, by the time I get to the window, I forget why I'm even there.

I'm like, yeah, let me get a half a pound of mortadella. I mean, sorry, I have a DUI. That said, some of these cuts might be going too deep. I mean, they just listed Guantanamo Bay on Airbnb. And hey, if you've ever stayed at an Airbnb, it could be worse. My solution? Let them do their cuts. But I get to bring a baseball bat on a plane.

I'm like, yeah, let me get a half a pound of mortadella. I mean, sorry, I have a DUI. That said, some of these cuts might be going too deep. I mean, they just listed Guantanamo Bay on Airbnb. And hey, if you've ever stayed at an Airbnb, it could be worse. My solution? Let them do their cuts. But I get to bring a baseball bat on a plane.

If you're defunding air marshals, I'm not going down without a fight. Now give me that seat. Give me that aisle seat. I pee a lot. Chrissy the Prostate. All right. Solved it. Moving on.

If you're defunding air marshals, I'm not going down without a fight. Now give me that seat. Give me that aisle seat. I pee a lot. Chrissy the Prostate. All right. Solved it. Moving on.

OK, so Canada isn't the only cold, pasty country Trump wants. He's also after Greenland. Now, people are really mad about this for some reason. And I got to be honest with you, I've never even met a single person that's been to Greenland, let alone anyone from Greenland. And like I said, I'm from Queens. We got everybody there.

OK, so Canada isn't the only cold, pasty country Trump wants. He's also after Greenland. Now, people are really mad about this for some reason. And I got to be honest with you, I've never even met a single person that's been to Greenland, let alone anyone from Greenland. And like I said, I'm from Queens. We got everybody there.