Clark Fredericks

She was living in New York.

I would go in, you know, like for a romantic weekend and disappear for months, disappear for weeks.

show back up have sex again go out drinking party and have a great weekend disappear again and i did that for like a year and then she's like what are we doing here bro like i thought we both wanted the same things like i'm ready to settle down with you let's get our careers going let's start families let's let's get it going i was like i can't do that i'm like i'm sorry and she took it as i didn't love her

But what it really was, was like when you're harboring secrets and shame and pain, I could have sex.

I could tell her I loved her, but I couldn't be intimate.

And you got to be intimate enough to be intimate.

You have to be open.

And I couldn't be vulnerable through intimacy.

I just couldn't do it.

And we split up and I hated myself for that.

Like I felt she was the perfect fit.

And yet Dennis Pegg has prevented me from being intimate with someone.

And my life is only gonna go off the skids from that point forward.

My twenties after that, after that breakup, just became a nonstop pursuit of one night stands, of endless sex, meaningless sex, proving to myself that I was a man, that I was a straight, strong guy who could get any woman he wanted.

I just, I hurt so many people in my twenties, you know, the longest I would be with someone, you know, like three months would be like the longest, you know, like, and, you know, in the beginning,

it was attractive, intriguing to be with this party animal.

But then after, you know, the three month part is when they like want to start real, like, is this all we're going to do?

And I'd be like, see, I gotta, I'm out of here.

You know, like, and it just, I went into my thirties like a shell.

Like it just left me empty.