David Sedaris

I don't do it in front of the mirror. I still can't look at my teeth. I had to go to the dentist the other day and she held up the mirror and I'm like, have we not been through this? I can't look at my mouth.

During the pandemic, I got those Invisaligns because I had massive gaps. I was at a nice hotel checking in. I would feel them thinking, you don't belong here. It's shocking not to feel that way. Like no one's ever said to me, you have beautiful eyes. Just no one's ever said it to me, right? I don't know what that's like to have beautiful eyes, but I'm fine with that. Yeah. Yeah.

During the pandemic, I got those Invisaligns because I had massive gaps. I was at a nice hotel checking in. I would feel them thinking, you don't belong here. It's shocking not to feel that way. Like no one's ever said to me, you have beautiful eyes. Just no one's ever said it to me, right? I don't know what that's like to have beautiful eyes, but I'm fine with that. Yeah. Yeah.

During the pandemic, I got those Invisaligns because I had massive gaps. I was at a nice hotel checking in. I would feel them thinking, you don't belong here. It's shocking not to feel that way. Like no one's ever said to me, you have beautiful eyes. Just no one's ever said it to me, right? I don't know what that's like to have beautiful eyes, but I'm fine with that. Yeah. Yeah.

Nobody ever said, oh, you have such a nice smile. And then somebody said it to me after I got my teeth fixed. And I thought, I never in my life thought I would ever hear that from anyone. Did it feel good or did it feel like a cheat? You know, there are women who have magnificent breasts.

Nobody ever said, oh, you have such a nice smile. And then somebody said it to me after I got my teeth fixed. And I thought, I never in my life thought I would ever hear that from anyone. Did it feel good or did it feel like a cheat? You know, there are women who have magnificent breasts.

Nobody ever said, oh, you have such a nice smile. And then somebody said it to me after I got my teeth fixed. And I thought, I never in my life thought I would ever hear that from anyone. Did it feel good or did it feel like a cheat? You know, there are women who have magnificent breasts.

Just born with magnificent breasts. Yeah. And then I think if somebody else then has a maid, you know what? This is a better analogy. Okay. I don't know that I still have them, but I used to have magnificent calves. They were like Popeye's arms, like bowling balls. And then people started getting calf implants. Right. And it's like, I have big calves because I'm short.

Just born with magnificent breasts. Yeah. And then I think if somebody else then has a maid, you know what? This is a better analogy. Okay. I don't know that I still have them, but I used to have magnificent calves. They were like Popeye's arms, like bowling balls. And then people started getting calf implants. Right. And it's like, I have big calves because I'm short.

Just born with magnificent breasts. Yeah. And then I think if somebody else then has a maid, you know what? This is a better analogy. Okay. I don't know that I still have them, but I used to have magnificent calves. They were like Popeye's arms, like bowling balls. And then people started getting calf implants. Right. And it's like, I have big calves because I'm short.

It's something you get as a bonus. And because I walk so much. And you just paid to have your big calves. But ultimately, I don't really care.

It's something you get as a bonus. And because I walk so much. And you just paid to have your big calves. But ultimately, I don't really care.

It's something you get as a bonus. And because I walk so much. And you just paid to have your big calves. But ultimately, I don't really care.

I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis that was like an inch and a half long. Wow, they sell that. And I thought, who are you going to fuck, a Cabbage Patch doll?

I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis that was like an inch and a half long. Wow, they sell that. And I thought, who are you going to fuck, a Cabbage Patch doll?

I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis that was like an inch and a half long. Wow, they sell that. And I thought, who are you going to fuck, a Cabbage Patch doll?

Gosh.

Gosh.

Gosh.

No, I'd be better with a water creature. It would just be more sanitary, I guess.