David Sedaris

Or not married, but shacking up with one.

You're saying you know when words are in trouble when straight men start saying them.

Well, they were the words that well-meaning straight people thought it was respectful to use the word partner, right?

Like the same way now that a lot of people think they're supposed to use the word queer, right?

And I can't stand that word, right?

But they think they've been told that this is the appropriate word now and the word that they should be using, you know?

And then gay marriage came along and then everyone just assumed that Hugh and I were married.

So they kept saying, you're husband.

And I would say, he's not my husband.

He's just my boyfriend.

Right.

So then everyone started assuming Hugh and I were married.

And we actually, we are married.

Right.

We got married.

I don't even know when it was.

I know it was before the pandemic.

It was a shotgun wedding arranged by my banker.

And I never told anybody about it.

And I told Hugh he couldn't tell anybody about it.