Desiree Burch

After enough spiders crawling up my nose, I won't be afraid of spiders anymore. I'll just be complacent with my imminent demise.

Yeah, and if he had any comic acumen, he would have been like, I had to sacrifice having working class friends. It would have been like, actually, we're missing out.

Why did he have to leave a D-Day commemoration to do that? Like he was the prime minister. They couldn't bump it back at all?

Yeah. Does that sound like a bukkake?

And you're like, you do not need to know, mother.

It looks so nice. Is it tensile? I guess it would have come in a bag, but like, I didn't know you could just be like, hey, I didn't use my Christmas decorations here, charity shop. Like, that seems like a... I don't know.

And we know how y'all feel about them baked beans. You want them everywhere, any place, any time.

No, I didn't. I didn't. Just the most loathsome leader. Just the most loathsome one. Which is, like, 419 Jaeger bombs. So...

Would you like to go ahead and take that? I don't know what it is, but it hit me right in the face, Liz. I feel like it's Christmas.

Yeah. Or was it when you stopped believing in Santa because everything is destroyed? When you're like, that's it, I've given up on life. Yep.

Well, I'm going to fuck with the world because it means I'll get whatever I want for my, you know, like, you know, he makes money off of, you know, working different government deals and whatever to just rake up more money for like the things that he wants to create. And like, literally whatever millions he's giving to reform is like the equivalent of Rishi Sunak's 1,000 pound charity donation.

But what he gets for that is just carte blanche to walk in and be like, here's what you need to do. Because like, there were a lot of things that I'm coming to understand as someone who's only been here for a decade now that are like, you know, common practice, but not written down anywhere as law.

And it's very easy for all of the stuff that like, you know, MAGA wants to do in America to start coming over here. There are plenty of people who want that. Although, MAGA is not as good a acronym.

.

Is this an elf one?

But it's also the kind of corruption you expect. Like, that puts the average voter at ease. Like, oh, they're just taking free shit. They're not, like, having a party in the middle of a plague or, like, doing weird sex stuff, you know? Like, I mean, it's wrong and it's messed up and there's a scale of, like... Taking free shit leads up to like, you know, and here's Elon Musk.

But, you know, on the other hand, you're just kind of like, yeah, that's what politicians do.

They call you Liz Swagbag, bitch.

This is now going to be used as evidence.

You haven't lit it on fire yet.

Yes, it works.

Who were all the people who voted for Kemi then if they were leaning their votes over to Like, they were genuine people who wanted Kemi Baden. Oh, there's definitely people who wanted Kemi, yeah.

Is this not basic politics? I mean, you know what I mean? It's something Nancy Pelosi always talks about because I know how to count. And I walk around and I'm counting things and I figure out what needs to happen because I know how to count. What are these guys doing where they don't know how to count?

Doesn't make you feel great about it. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

I mean... It's hard to feel any more hopeless than I did in 2016, except for the fact that everybody I know who is liberal feels that way. There was a very stark sort of reaction to like, let's get back in there and fight because it's like, it doesn't work. Please stop telling us to do the same thing that has clearly been proven not to work. Kamala did have one thing right. We're not going back.

And in terms of we're not going back to politics the way they used to work. Like, you know, and ultimately we were the establishment in this case. I mean, Brian Eno called this right after the 2020 election and saying, basically, I don't know why people are celebrating.

You know, the Democrats are going to have to take the heat for everything the Republicans did, because that's just like, you know, Trump was like, oh, look what I did for the economy. No, Obama did that. But nobody's going to give him any credit for that thing. Everyone's just going to be like, forget that guy. This guy's great. He leaves. There's a bunch of mess to clean up.

You spend four years cleaning up the mess and everyone's like, how come everything's messy and expensive? No one in America knows that the American economy is the envy of the world because everybody went through the plague and also corporate greed. Full stop. You know, and like nobody was able to point that out. I mean, Starmer and the Labor Party and Trump did the same thing of say nothing.

Trump is exceptionally good at saying nothing very loudly over it and just look there, look anywhere. But essentially, it's just like say nothing and let everybody be mad at the people who are standing behind the podium right now and then come back into power. I mean, the people in my life that I know who are like, but what about the price of gas? Don't know how much gas costs everywhere else.

But what about the price of cereal? Well, I mean, we don't need that much cereal. But the president doesn't wake up every morning going, hey, let's make eggs eight bucks and cereal nine bucks today. Because it's like, no, those are the corporate overlords that are now in the cabinet in America.

And also you can't manage that into success. Like it is broken. You need someone with a new idea. And is the problem that any new idea is going to be pissing off the billionaires who are profiting off of the NHS not working as well so that things can get privatized? Like, I mean, who has ideas?

that aren't going to be like, and someone's going to get rich off of this because that's part of the problem.

Yeah.

Absolutely. It was overwhelming. It was a bit much. Like after you get that much spaff in your eye, you're like, I get the point. Why are we still doing this now? Like this is still happening. Yeah.

But like legitimate question, because I don't know the answer, but do we think those kinds of leaders could get elected in this time? Because it does seem like it is sort of just populist leaders who come to the fore and complain about the status quo long enough to get into office and to make things worse for everyone and better for themselves.

And it does feel like this particular government might be priming everybody for a big swing back to something like reform when they're in the middle of cleaning up a mess but not actually progressing anything forward. Yeah.

I guess nobody likes a try hard, but, like, could you try it all?

I mean, how much it's trickled down. He's like, oh, he hears that at the gym two times a year when he goes. And he's like, oh, I know what they'll want, what they'll really, really want.

If you like me, let me know. Let me add a shadow. Got 21 days before they gotta go. 21 days to go. 21 days to go. I mean, genuinely. Come on, that's good.

Wow.

If anyone could kill that song, it would be Kim Starmer. Can you imagine? You must not know about me. Don't do it.

Everyone should hear that a little bit more, I think.

Was that him Googling at the end how to sing?

He got bored of lip syncing the song. Every time, we know he's not singing it.

No one's going to be playing that from a pedicab in Soho this Christmas season.

Oh my God, it's been a bukkake of joy. Of holiday cheer. Thank you so much.

I'm like, wait, where's the line? Not anymore!

I'm happy. It's sparkly in the studio. I might sing later. What are they talking about? I'll ask my older brother.

It was hard to watch a slow-mo train crash. Although this one was a bit better, at least the earlier one, because, you know, we kind of swing the other way. But was there ever any doubt that we weren't going to be complaining about this government in a matter of months?

As most stinky things do. LAUGHTER

She seems like she wakes up every day and like huffs something. And it's like, they got mad at me for tanking the economy. Imagine that.

rude, did he throw a bukkake in there somewhere that I missed in the quote where he said you want to shoot all black women because of, sounds like someone who just wanted to kill black women and needed to find a famous one to point to to be mad at because bleh.

So he's like literally is killing your grandparents so he can hate black women and say they should be shot.

Yeah, well, thank you so... Yes. Yes. I was just one of the animals that was like, what the hell is this? We don't have enough weird things happening in here. You see, there's a camel. What? No, this is, thank you so much for making me remember this terrible, terrible year. I was just trying to race to the end, but yeah, let's look back because we got to do that.

Can I just say, that clip gets talked about all the time about like, oh, and he's just getting rained on and rained out and how embarrassing it is. As an American, we're all like, that's what we expect this country is. It's just a sad little man in a suit talking about boring, depressing things while getting what looks like fraternity hazed with water. And they're like... He's the prime minister.

They can't afford an awning to go over him. Like, what the hell's going on with this country? Like, it's so hard to look at it without being like, yeah, that's kind of what we imagine you all do, just make speeches in the rain on a random street.

Cool.

Did he do that at the beginning? Because no one's going to find that in the middle if they haven't already bought the book.

I mean, I'm just saying, like, I mean, my predecessor here, like, although I'm probably not going to sing on stage anytime soon, but you never know. If it works, it works.

She's one of the big ones that you learn about so early on. And then when everyone's like, what do you know about Sojourner Truth? You're like... she's dope, dude. You know, cause you're like, okay, you know, Harry Tubman did more of the gun wielding. Sojourner 2 did a lot of like the speaking and stuff.

Ask it like that. I mean, Sojourner, she loves that truth. She loves that tea. She's spicy. So with someone like Douglas might have been a little bit more like, oh, hello and blah, blah, blah. And we're doing official things. She might have been a little bit freer with her opinions about like how lucky this president was to meet her and all of her insight. So I don't know.

I think it could have been spicy.

Yeah, I wanted her to be up in there and be like, oh, so you're the president. Well, let me tell you something. But yeah, I also can see how she'd be like, you know what, it helps to have powerful people on your side.

There's stuff that she did that I vaguely remember, but like, I'm excited to find out the cool biopic, biopic, biopic. I don't know how we say that word.

Of course, you've got to speak well of the dead, especially if you outlive them. Yeah, well, yeah. He's like my favorite frenemy. You know, what can be said? First of all, I'm here and you're not. But also, you were great.

I think it's biopic, but some people say biopic and it sounds like a, It sounds bionic. It sounds like an eye condition.

That was incredible and inspiring. Thank you for making this person just breathing the sort of modern day heroine into her that she deserves. That was really cool. And yeah, I mean, just kind of remind you like that we're all history in the making.

And, you know, how you choose to focus and how you choose to build that, you know, as part of a legacy that other people a hundred plus years later pick up and go like, oh, wow, I didn't know what this person was doing and how inspiring that is to what I would love to do.

Yes, or I see out of both eyes, but not the way you think.

Oh, yeah, because it's New York, so Dutch, right? Yeah, yeah, good knowledge. Yeah, because there's so much weird Dutch stuff in New York that you're like, huh?

Oh, my God. How weird. Some English speaking people were weird about somebody else not speaking their language. Right. Being like, what's this weird?

I don't know if there's like a state thing about slavery or something that happens because, okay, because that's going to come to the South later, but like it comes to the North earlier. So I don't know if they abolish slavery or if they change the rules to make it better or something.

That's the only date we ever do anything in America.

All history happens on one day, one day a year. We get it all sorted out. Everyone's signing away.

Oh, my God. That's all I've ever wanted to hear in my life, Michelle. Thank you. Continue.

Amazing. Good. Good. I'm actually going to not have to pay for this one.

I worship that as well.

If you're going to try to do miracles, I would start on water first. I'd be practicing that. Yeah. Start on loaves.

I mean, if you hadn't told me that, if he just showed up on her door, I was like, ah, Jehovah's Witnesses, pretend you're not home. But they definitely never claimed to be Jesus.

Also, we've all seen, well, I guess he didn't have the benefit of seeing Indiana Jones. But, you know, you got to come as a carpenter. Jesus isn't coming out in his Elvis gear, like with a full Vegas gold on, just being like, oh, I'm just a humble Lord and Savior right at your doorstep. No, he's all like, oh, yeah, hey, I'm just a guy with a beard. Do you want me to fix that shelf?

Also, have you heard about my dad, God?

Oh, she joins a cult! She does.

We all choose toxic people there.

Like all she's known are red flags her whole life. All right. I bring the up like a relationship expert would look at this and be like it. You know, it was bad from the beginning in her upbringing. And then she met John, who would prepare the way the toxic relationship for this guy, Matthias, who beats her and she stay. Oh, wow. I love this and I hate this.

They didn't teach us this in kindergarten when we were drawing her a picture on a piece of worksheet and coloring it in. They were just like, ain't I a woman? She's a feminist.

I'm into it. We never saw this part.

It's a stop. Did Harriet be like, hey, handshake? Like, I love it. It's like, you know, it's like the fingers touching on the Sistine Chapel. It's like, ah. I mean, if it's not her, then it's Frederick Douglass.

Is this where the Rumpelstiltskin story comes from? Because this sounds like there's an evil troll man who's like, I won't let you be free until you spill this yarn. What?

Thank you so much. But this is like a series one reunion. I feel like they should do a behind the music on us. You know, none of you young listeners know what that is. But you know what I mean? The inside documentary on podcasts, although I guess podcasts are already kind of an insider. Anyway, you know what I mean?

And perfectionism is... I worship that as well.

If you're going to try to do miracles, I would start on water first. I'd be practicing that. Start on loaves. Yeah. Just be like, oh, my wife said, well, it's time to crack it out.

I mean, if you hadn't told me that, if you just showed up on the door, I was like, ah, Jehovah's Witnesses, pretend you're not home. But they definitely never claimed to be Jesus. Yeah, it's Jesus. Also, we've all seen, well, I guess he didn't have the benefit of seeing Indiana Jones. But, you know, you got to come as a carpenter.

Jesus isn't coming out in his Elvis gear, like with a full Vegas gold on, just being like, oh, I'm just a humble Lord and Savior right at your doorstep.

no he's all like oh yeah hey i'm just a guy with a beard do you want me to fix that shelf also have you heard about my dad god like you gotta you gotta do a slow roll yeah you gotta be humble he just matthias is like i know i'm named after a saint but i'm actually jesus michelle was isabella convinced by this uh gold dressed man or did she holy ghost him

Look, we've all been scammed before. Everybody, no one can act like they're above it. There's a scam for every single person out there. That's why the banks are always letting you know what's up. So I get it. She'd been waiting to meet him.

She's one of the big ones. Do you know what I mean? And it's also she's one of the big ones that you learn about so early on. And then when everyone's like, what do you know about Sojourner Truth? You're like...

Oh, she joins a cult.

This is a cult. He literally is like, we're going to take all his property and I'm going to have several wives. This is exactly what a cult is.

Yeah. He didn't invent the wheel.

We all choose toxic people.

she's dope dude uh you know and then you have to separate all the you know because you're like okay you know harry tubman did more of the gun wielding sojourner tooth did a lot of like the speaking and stuff like there's stuff that she did that i vaguely remember but like i'm excited to find out the cool biopic you know biopic biopic i don't know how we say that word biopic for me but yeah absolutely yeah i think it's biopic but some people say biopic and it sounds like a

But like all she's known are red flags her whole life. All right. I bring the up like a relationship expert would look at this and be like it. You know, it was bad from the beginning in her upbringing. And then she met John, who would prepare the toxic relationship for this guy, Matthias, who beats her. And she stayed. Oh, I love this. And I hate this.

They didn't teach us this in kindergarten when we were drawing her a picture on a piece of worksheet and coloring it in. They were just like, ain't I a woman? She's a feminist. The end. Not like, oh, she joins a cult and is like all up with the cult leader who is super toxic and then he poisons. I mean, but this is this is exciting. This is sexy stuff.

Sounds like she's also the reason that employers now require a minimum of two weeks. Yeah, exactly.

One hour. One hour.

Such a hippie. I'm into it. We never saw this part.

Because she's on the Underground Railroad. It's a stop. Did Harriet be like, hey, handshake? Like, I love it. It's like, you know, it's like the fingers touching on the Sistine Chapel. It's like, ah. I mean, if it's not her, then it's Frederick Douglass.

It sounds bionic.

Okay.

She was busy on the ground, you know, breaking people out of prison. Yes, doing the whole thing. She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her later. All right, I have a few things going on. But if she's speaking, so is Frederick Douglass, so I'm sure that they would, like, be sitting on plenty of panels together.

Yes, or I see out of both eyes, but not the way you think.

Did you do that at the beginning? Because no one's going to find that in the middle if they haven't already bought the book.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, for the author of Uncle Tom's Cabin, are we surprised that she gave her an endorsement that was a little bit sort of not as as woke as we would have enjoyed before? for the time, but also I think there are always artists who are like, yeah, they don't fully get me, but everybody listens to them, you know, even now.

You can't handle the truth. Abolitionist totally destroys other abolitionists on stage at the Chuckle Hut. I mean, yeah, because it's like, look, I know you're Frederick Douglass, but are you ready to be Nietzsche right now? Is God dead? Or are you just showing your weakness right now? I mean, she's like, don't mess with me. I've been in two cults. That's true.

You don't want to know how determined and strong my faith is.

I mean, I'm just saying, like, I mean, my predecessor here, like, although I'm probably not going to sing on stage anytime soon, but you never know. If it works, it works. You know, it's interesting, her approach. You know, there's always been, there's always a back and forth within sort of Black progress about like...

Elaine Locke and Zora Neale Hurston did the same thing about like, you know, can you use vernacular and can you be relatable to people or does it need to be about like the talented 10th and all of this other stuff? So like, you know, you need both. Like you need a Malcolm and a Martin. Like you need both sides of this. So it's amazing that, you know, yeah, she didn't learn how to read.

She learned how to have a reputation. She also flexed her biceps. She sort of, you know, she showed off her guns. She's a show woman. Yeah. Come on. There's songs. There's stories. There's Jesus. There's guns. But not the kind Frederick Douglass is talking about. Yeah. Because God is very much alive. Exactly.

Yeah, but if you're going to come and do some rap, you're going to pretend you've been to jail. You know, like you're going to talk about how many, you know, like you're going to come hard. You're not like even if you're Dutch, you're going to try to sound like you're American black and not Dutch if you want to sound authentic. And she's she's doing the performance. So, like, I don't know.

I kind of get it.

Ask it like that. I mean, Sojourner, she loves that truth. She loves that tea. She's spicy. So someone like Douglas might have been a little bit more like, oh, hello, and blah, blah, blah, and we're doing official things. She might have been a little bit freer with her opinions about how lucky this president was to meet her and all of her insight. So I don't know. I think it could have been spicy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted her to be up in there and be like, oh, so you're the president. Well, let me tell you something. But yeah, I also can see how she'd be like, you know what, it helps to have powerful people on your side. So let's make him feel like everything was great and get what we need, especially since she's so pro-war now. I love when she's like, you know, I was never against the war.

I was just against Douglas. I just could never stand him.

I can't remember the timing of 48 Years a Mule, but this is post-Civil War. So this is like Reconstruction. So that must have come up. Like, is she part of a conversation or is she starting a conversation that takes off later? Like, what's the timing of her trying to do this?

Of course, you've got to speak well of the dead, especially if you outlive them. Yeah, well, yeah. He's like, my favorite frenemy. You know, what can be said? First of all, I'm here and you're not. But also, you were great.

This was amazing. You've given me a notebook, and I have studied for this like I was cramming for an exam. There are five pages here. I don't even know if I've listened as well as I've written down notes about this person. I love this. The cult years are delicious. It's like just like, you know, also like her her touring comedian performer years.

Like I feel like it's there's a series like Hacks that like we can watch. Yes. You know, I'm like, it's a film. It's a series. Like, I want to see the like the abolitionist speaking circuit and all of the like, you know, the sort of backstage happenings. But also like it was cool to see how much she was able to emancipate herself in various ways over and over and over again.

This is stuff that they don't teach you. And I'm really in awe of. So thank you.

The whole time.

Which is like not, it's not the one that you're thinking of. You know what I mean? It's not the one. In the movie, you're like, who's going to pull that one off? Because it's real specific. Real niche. The nuance window. The nuance window.

That was incredible and inspiring. Thank you for making this person, just breathing this sort of modern day heroine into her that she deserves. That was really cool. And yeah, I mean, just kind of remind you that we're all history in the making.

And, you know, how you choose to focus and how you choose to build that, you know, as part of a legacy that other people a hundred plus years later pick up and go like, oh, wow, I didn't know what this person was doing and how inspiring that is to what I would love to do.

So like, was it that Southern slavery was more industrial and Northern slavery was more sort of personal for like moneyed families? Why are there double digit number slaves in Southern plantations, but like only a handful in the North?

I mean, every single time I'm trying to conjure this up, this spirit of like, I've never been lucky in anything. So like, if I can keep it at the table, you know, like in Vegas and keep high rolling, I feel so great about this. 10 questions.

Okay, let's see. Let's take those takes right on down. How about that? How about we do that?

Because, you know, everyone is allowed to be human.

She was like, right then, finally, you found me. Great. Let's go ahead and leave together because you're Christ our Savior. And let's carry on. And what did she do to his feet? Oh, like wash them, kiss them. She kissed them. Yeah, yeah. Massage them forever. Like, come on.

Oh, Peter.

Well done. Peter that she went to go get.

That she was going to travel the world as she knew it and preach God's truth.

Sorry, she met Frederick Douglass and it's just so funny. We're like, hey, what's up? It's a mutual respect.

Well, it's an autobiography written by a different person. So it's an autobiography that features two voices inside of it.

It's ain't I a woman, but ain't I a woman. That's right. She might have said dis dat and de other because she did it in dialect and everybody just wrote down what they wanted.

Yes, yes.

I mean, a photo, like there's a photo. What is that? Yeah, photography.

She was tall and buff. She was almost six feet tall and she was like swole.

Yeah, she lifted heavy.

Grant and Lincoln. And the other one was Johnson? But whatever. Grant and Lincoln.

I couldn't have lost it on someone this amazing. This is revelation. Thank you so much, Michelle and Grant.

I mean, I would study this forever. Can I come back to Cornell, but like for no money? Yeah. Is that a thing? Don't tell him I said it.

No, he's incredible. And it's cool when amazing people are like, yeah, but I can take him or leave him, you know, with the other one. That's kind of a rivalry is great. Exactly.

Oh, yeah, because it's New York, so Dutch, right? Yeah, good knowledge. Yeah, because there's so much weird Dutch stuff in New York that you're like, huh? Yeah, I mean, New Amsterdam.

Just one by one, they all kind of get sold off to a place. Yeah, I mean, it is really, really dark. Like once your first kid is sold off, it's like constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop, both for the parents and for the kids of like, when am I going to get pulled away? Like I'm sure after the first one or two, then you're just preparing for the worst constantly and waiting for it.

And what does, you know, I mean, we talk about anxiety now.

You know what I mean? There was no Wellbutrin. There was no counseling, you know, and like, yeah, no one to talk to about the fact, you know, you just had to. Anyway, it's the worst. It sounds terrible.

Oh, my God, how weird. Some English-speaking people were weird about somebody else not speaking their language. Right. Being like, what's this weird?

If you're going to learn English, learn the important stuff first. Yeah. Anytime you learn another language.

Yeah, but obviously everybody's experience is relative to their, you know, context and circumstances. So if all you've done is grown up enslaved and you are, you know, like obviously you've been put into hopefully a better position than you were before with a different family that was really horrible. And if somebody is now giving you respect

for your work all the while there's someone right next to you who's sucks like everybody else sucks so that you're kind of like okay well that's something at least someone is seeing some part of my humanity Michelle we get a marriage for Isabella or Belle

I don't know if there's like a state thing about slavery or something that happens because, okay, because that's going to come to the South later, but like it comes to the North earlier. So I don't know if they abolish slavery or if they change the rules to make it better or something. Yeah. I mean, I love the way you figured that out.

It's just trying to figure out what's the window of history, you know, because you know the cutoff date, and then there's a later real one, and then you're trying to figure out what happened in the middle.

That's the only date we ever do anything in America. 4th of July is a good date to do things. All history happens on one day, one day a year. We'll get it all sorted out. Everyone's signing away.

Oh, my God. That's all I've ever wanted to hear in my life, Michelle. Thank you. Continue.

Amazing. Good. Good. I'm actually going to not have to pay for this one.

It does.

LAUGHTER

We didn't call Celia the bob-haired bandit. We called Celia Grandma.