Dr. Amir Levine

And one very important thing is also

Our attachment style also changes throughout our life and it's not always, it's a spectrum.

So not everyone will be like completely avoidant or completely anxious.

It's a spectrum and that's important to respect and acknowledge.

That's the million dollar question.

So people with the secure attachment styles, I like to think of them as the universal donors, like blood type O minus, because they're just so good in relationships.

So if you stumble across someone with a secure attachment style and you get into a relationship with them,

you basically uh have a built-in relationship coach that can teach you how to become more secure even if you're anxious or avoidant or even fearful avoidant they're just so good then now the problem is where the biggest mismatch is is between the anxious and the avoidant because think about it one wants a lot of closeness really seeking it out

but also very sensitive to potential threat in their relationship when someone is trying to pull away from them.

And that's what the avoidants do often when they get too much closeness and they feel uncomfortable, they pull away.

So that really invites a lot of drama into the relationship and a lot of fighting.

And one, the avoidant,

think I should be self-sufficient and you should be too.

We should each take care of our own emotions and they kind of like push you away.

And then the anxious, they engage in what we call activating strategies and protest behavior, which is any behavior to try to get the attention of the other person and reestablish sort of the communication.

So there's a lot of volatility and drama in those relationships.

So why did they ever get together in the first place?

Or is it pretty rare?

No, I think it's actually quite common.

So I think that's another important thing to say.