Dr. Becky Kennedy

And then it transpires from there, okay, what do I do with my kid who doesn't know how to swim? I think swimming is a beautiful example because we really understand that it takes a while for kids to learn the skill of swimming. And none of us would pay for a lesson where the teacher goes, go to your room and come back when you can swim. If you can't swim next week, no iPad.

What's even the theory of why that would work? And at the same time, when you have a good swim lesson, I don't think any of us think the next week our kid is going to swim successfully. And so I think it takes time. Anything worthwhile takes time. I have a kid who's a little more people pleasing and I have another kid who has about 0% people pleasing in him. Their arcs look different.

What's even the theory of why that would work? And at the same time, when you have a good swim lesson, I don't think any of us think the next week our kid is going to swim successfully. And so I think it takes time. Anything worthwhile takes time. I have a kid who's a little more people pleasing and I have another kid who has about 0% people pleasing in him. Their arcs look different.

What's even the theory of why that would work? And at the same time, when you have a good swim lesson, I don't think any of us think the next week our kid is going to swim successfully. And so I think it takes time. Anything worthwhile takes time. I have a kid who's a little more people pleasing and I have another kid who has about 0% people pleasing in him. Their arcs look different.

If I said to that kid, even if I tried, which I don't even recommend to make it about guilt, hey, I'm really sad. He'd be like, why would I care? That does not affect me. But those are just strong-willed kids and their arc, their skills are different. So that's number one. Number two, I think we have to also understand that our kids over time pair their big feelings and urges with our boundaries.

If I said to that kid, even if I tried, which I don't even recommend to make it about guilt, hey, I'm really sad. He'd be like, why would I care? That does not affect me. But those are just strong-willed kids and their arc, their skills are different. So that's number one. Number two, I think we have to also understand that our kids over time pair their big feelings and urges with our boundaries.

If I said to that kid, even if I tried, which I don't even recommend to make it about guilt, hey, I'm really sad. He'd be like, why would I care? That does not affect me. But those are just strong-willed kids and their arc, their skills are different. So that's number one. Number two, I think we have to also understand that our kids over time pair their big feelings and urges with our boundaries.

So your kids wanting to jump somewhere dangerous and learning not to jump, that just takes time for any kid. And it also depends on their temperament. Just learning to swim. Learning how to manage urges and manage feelings, it takes time. Our kids have a feeling or an urge to jump on the couch or an urge to hit their sibling, and that urge has to actually get paired with our boundary.

So your kids wanting to jump somewhere dangerous and learning not to jump, that just takes time for any kid. And it also depends on their temperament. Just learning to swim. Learning how to manage urges and manage feelings, it takes time. Our kids have a feeling or an urge to jump on the couch or an urge to hit their sibling, and that urge has to actually get paired with our boundary.

So your kids wanting to jump somewhere dangerous and learning not to jump, that just takes time for any kid. And it also depends on their temperament. Just learning to swim. Learning how to manage urges and manage feelings, it takes time. Our kids have a feeling or an urge to jump on the couch or an urge to hit their sibling, and that urge has to actually get paired with our boundary.

That's why we say, I won't let you hit. That's why we hopefully notice the signs our kid is about to hit and pull them to the side then to interrupt that arc. And over time, those things in the moment, along with some things that help outside the That's how a kid eventually learns how to essentially regulate emotions and urges so feelings and urges don't come out in the form of behavior.

That's why we say, I won't let you hit. That's why we hopefully notice the signs our kid is about to hit and pull them to the side then to interrupt that arc. And over time, those things in the moment, along with some things that help outside the That's how a kid eventually learns how to essentially regulate emotions and urges so feelings and urges don't come out in the form of behavior.

That's why we say, I won't let you hit. That's why we hopefully notice the signs our kid is about to hit and pull them to the side then to interrupt that arc. And over time, those things in the moment, along with some things that help outside the That's how a kid eventually learns how to essentially regulate emotions and urges so feelings and urges don't come out in the form of behavior.

Yeah. Look, I think actually... you know, what you're saying about your son and daughter is that they're actually, and this can happen a lot in families, it does, and it definitely happens a lot when there's especially two kids in a family because the binary becomes I have one kid like this and I have the other kid like this, right?

Yeah. Look, I think actually... you know, what you're saying about your son and daughter is that they're actually, and this can happen a lot in families, it does, and it definitely happens a lot when there's especially two kids in a family because the binary becomes I have one kid like this and I have the other kid like this, right?

Yeah. Look, I think actually... you know, what you're saying about your son and daughter is that they're actually, and this can happen a lot in families, it does, and it definitely happens a lot when there's especially two kids in a family because the binary becomes I have one kid like this and I have the other kid like this, right?

So there's this way in which it's adaptive to both be able to gaze in and know what you want And to gaze out and notice what's going on for other people. And most of us as adults find one of those things more natural or either more naturally oriented to kind of gazing in and being like, this is what I want and this is what I want to do. And I'm good at prioritizing my own needs.

So there's this way in which it's adaptive to both be able to gaze in and know what you want And to gaze out and notice what's going on for other people. And most of us as adults find one of those things more natural or either more naturally oriented to kind of gazing in and being like, this is what I want and this is what I want to do. And I'm good at prioritizing my own needs.

So there's this way in which it's adaptive to both be able to gaze in and know what you want And to gaze out and notice what's going on for other people. And most of us as adults find one of those things more natural or either more naturally oriented to kind of gazing in and being like, this is what I want and this is what I want to do. And I'm good at prioritizing my own needs.

And other people are more toward the end of the spectrum of I'm gazing out in my environment. I notice how everyone else feels. I might even to some degree feel responsible for making them feel better. Neither extreme is great. The balance of both is actually helpful. So often in families, these two things can be extreme in both kids where I'd say, we want to help your daughter at times.