Dr. Becky Kennedy

That's exactly right. And the terms I would use to match your terms are coherent narrative. What is therapy? Why does therapy help people? It's interesting. Therapy doesn't change what happened to you. Therapy doesn't change your past. Therapy does not take away the pain. But the pain was never the thing that really got in our way. It was the pain plus a lack of a coherent narrative and support.

That's exactly right. And the terms I would use to match your terms are coherent narrative. What is therapy? Why does therapy help people? It's interesting. Therapy doesn't change what happened to you. Therapy doesn't change your past. Therapy does not take away the pain. But the pain was never the thing that really got in our way. It was the pain plus a lack of a coherent narrative and support.

And so early on, when kids have painful experiences from witnessing you or something else, giving them a coherent narrative is what they need. And without that, the way I think about it is they have what I call unformulated experience. It's just affect and experience that kind of free floats in their body, unformulated. That tends to later show up as triggers. right?

And so early on, when kids have painful experiences from witnessing you or something else, giving them a coherent narrative is what they need. And without that, the way I think about it is they have what I call unformulated experience. It's just affect and experience that kind of free floats in their body, unformulated. That tends to later show up as triggers. right?

And so early on, when kids have painful experiences from witnessing you or something else, giving them a coherent narrative is what they need. And without that, the way I think about it is they have what I call unformulated experience. It's just affect and experience that kind of free floats in their body, unformulated. That tends to later show up as triggers. right?

And kind of other things in adulthood. And so, yeah, that's what we want to try to avoid when we can.

And kind of other things in adulthood. And so, yeah, that's what we want to try to avoid when we can.

And kind of other things in adulthood. And so, yeah, that's what we want to try to avoid when we can.

I think this is a great question. There's a couple of things that are coming to mind. So first of all, all of this is a matter of extent and patterning. Yes, we do not want our kids to feel like it is their job to take care of our emotions. It's not a good situation. And I think the difference here actually comes down to what the true definition of empathy is.

I think this is a great question. There's a couple of things that are coming to mind. So first of all, all of this is a matter of extent and patterning. Yes, we do not want our kids to feel like it is their job to take care of our emotions. It's not a good situation. And I think the difference here actually comes down to what the true definition of empathy is.

I think this is a great question. There's a couple of things that are coming to mind. So first of all, all of this is a matter of extent and patterning. Yes, we do not want our kids to feel like it is their job to take care of our emotions. It's not a good situation. And I think the difference here actually comes down to what the true definition of empathy is.

To me, empathy is noticing someone's feelings and caring about them. It's not taking care of them. That's a big difference. So let's say I'm crying and my kid comes over and this whole situation, maybe somebody died. And they're like, oh my goodness, mom, can I give you a hug? And do you want me to get you a cup of water?

To me, empathy is noticing someone's feelings and caring about them. It's not taking care of them. That's a big difference. So let's say I'm crying and my kid comes over and this whole situation, maybe somebody died. And they're like, oh my goodness, mom, can I give you a hug? And do you want me to get you a cup of water?

To me, empathy is noticing someone's feelings and caring about them. It's not taking care of them. That's a big difference. So let's say I'm crying and my kid comes over and this whole situation, maybe somebody died. And they're like, oh my goodness, mom, can I give you a hug? And do you want me to get you a cup of water?

Okay, I just want parents to know, you don't have to say, no, no, I do not want you to be a parentified child. Like, that is so, that is so kind. Yes, that would feel great. Okay, that's totally fine. I think the line is, and every parent just knows this for themselves, where it might get to, oh, you know what? I love that you're noticing I'm sad. And I love that you care about that.

Okay, I just want parents to know, you don't have to say, no, no, I do not want you to be a parentified child. Like, that is so, that is so kind. Yes, that would feel great. Okay, that's totally fine. I think the line is, and every parent just knows this for themselves, where it might get to, oh, you know what? I love that you're noticing I'm sad. And I love that you care about that.

Okay, I just want parents to know, you don't have to say, no, no, I do not want you to be a parentified child. Like, that is so, that is so kind. Yes, that would feel great. Okay, that's totally fine. I think the line is, and every parent just knows this for themselves, where it might get to, oh, you know what? I love that you're noticing I'm sad. And I love that you care about that.

And I also want to let you know those are my feelings, not yours. And I am really able to take care of them myself with whoever is a friend. And you're still really allowed to be a kid who can go play, who can go have fun. who can even not listen to me once in a while when I say it's bath time, that's actually your job. So let's go do our jobs well.

And I also want to let you know those are my feelings, not yours. And I am really able to take care of them myself with whoever is a friend. And you're still really allowed to be a kid who can go play, who can go have fun. who can even not listen to me once in a while when I say it's bath time, that's actually your job. So let's go do our jobs well.

And I also want to let you know those are my feelings, not yours. And I am really able to take care of them myself with whoever is a friend. And you're still really allowed to be a kid who can go play, who can go have fun. who can even not listen to me once in a while when I say it's bath time, that's actually your job. So let's go do our jobs well.