Dr. Becky Kennedy
speaker
3,434 appearances
7 recordings
6 series
first heard Feb 2024
last heard 18 Jun
Dr. Becky Kennedy’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 3 in all, peaking in Jun 2026 with 2.
Appearances
I know you're capable of figuring this out. And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more. And I'm not going to take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break. But, like, I know you can do this. Okay? And...
When I hear people be like, does that work? Yes. I mean, doesn't that work for adults? Imagine you're having a hard time at your job and you're saying to your manager, like, you do this one. If they're like, listen, I'm not because I know you're capable. And like, it's okay if it takes some time. It's okay if you take a break. I can be here to like kind of think about where could that piece go?
Ooh, is that an edge? Ooh, edges in the middle. Probably not in the puzzle. Where do, oh, you're right. Edges go on the outside. Look at you. My kid experiences the win and what their body learns. Is when I get frustrated, I don't look for the answer for someone to take that away from me and give me immediate success.
By the way, if we really want to get into it, if we want to know what entitlement is, entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you immediate success. Wow. That's what it is.
And I'll never forget seeing the family of 16-year-olds who was like horrified their kid had a full-on tantrum at 16 because they weren't flying first class. Oh, my gosh. And they were like, every parent's nightmare. And they're like, how do we get an entitled kid? The most well-meaning parents. But this was a kid every time something didn't go his way.
And I think money makes this more complicated because you can – buy kind of your way out of kids' frustration. You can. So it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option. But every time it was like frustration, success. Frustration, a new option. Frustration, I figured it out because someone else does something for me.
Well, when you finally get to the point at 16, if that's your circuit and then you're frustrated because something's surprising, it's not really about first class. Your body actually is like, WTF? Like, I literally was not built to tolerate this. And then it ends up looking awful, but really, it's really vulnerable, right?
Super vulnerable. So I want to give you one more example of resilience. There's three lines I think every parent needs to know. And I honestly can almost reframe that saying I think every person in a relationship needs to know. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, it's the same stuff. Because
Another resilience building moment I can imagine is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's a little older. I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math.
Yeah, I'd say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it.
Everyone, me included. Okay. My first instinct is to quote, make my kid feel better. Hmm. oh, you're gonna make it next year. Or you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer, right? Whatever the thing is. Or we say, you're gonna see it's not a big deal. Okay, so here's the image, I'm big on images.
We say, right? Yeah. The truth is we kind of say it because we're uncomfortable and we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game. But like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden, that's what I like to see. That's like the parable for life, the garden. And there's a bench.
And essentially when your kid says, I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team. let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it, disappointment, or maybe it's embarrassment, or both, or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know, it's something like that. That's the bench. And as parents, we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench of some type of distress.
We either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. Even though they're like, but I'm... But that's how I feel. But I'm on it. Or we kind of see a sunnier bench and we're like, just come with me, right? But like, you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right?
And both of those reduce resilience because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it, not drown in it, but sit in it. Like, cause when you're there, you inevitably will be like, you're not terrified it. You're not spending all your energy, like running away from a bench.
Like if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like what? Just, just a bench, you know? And so how do we help our kids? feel like essentially like it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on. Or it's really, it's okay to be you even when you don't make the lacrosse team. Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about.
Great. So to me, these three lines will play that out. So to me, as soon as your kid says something distressing to you, we have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just, I always say, say hi to them. Hello, urge to make it better. And here to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.
That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. Because, and again, if we think about it in an adult context, If I was like, I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever it is, he never is home for bedtime. And he forgot the one thing I said. And if I was like, hey, like, you're never doing anything around the house. And I am really frustrated.
If he said to me, you know what, Becky, well, you're upset, but like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Like, you know, relationships, I'd be like, I think we're good now. Like, I don't even know what was I upset about. Because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real.
And I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way.
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