Dr. Caroline Fleck
speaker
364 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Caroline Fleck’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
Trend
recordings per month · last 12 monthsNo recordings in the last 12 months.Older appearances are listed below; set an alert to hear about the next one.
Appearances
But we have strategies to help people communicate effectively, even when they're being hit with a lot of offensive behavior. So in those situations that you're describing, you probably don't understand the other person's perspective in those moments or certainly not empathize when someone's coming at you and there's a conflict. But at the very least, we can have you just mindfully attend.
So this is kind of the first step to validation. If you just, we use these two skills, attending and copying. If you use just these two skills, and when I am hit with somebody, like I have a narcissistic client across from me, and they're going on about how the school that I graduated from, you know, Really, do I really think Duke was where it's at for clinical psychology?
Because they've done their research and they want to know why I didn't go or get into these other schools, right? And you're just, I can see it in your face right now, like there's just that like, oh, screw you.
More than once. Versions of that, not necessarily... specific to that school, but then like undergrad. Oh, so you went to U of M. Oh, that's interesting. I went to Yale. Hmm. How did you end up going from- It's so obnoxious. Oh, it's so obnoxious, yeah. But again, that's why these folks are referred to me, right? Like they are that obnoxious- Like in their real lives. Yeah, yeah.
Then they're struggling, okay? So that's why they come to see me. I mean, they come to see me for some other reason, but it's pretty obvious right out the gate that that's probably- what's causing a lot of the problems.
Yeah.
Yeah. So in that point, I'm just annoyed. Right. I'm having that reaction. And so I can only use these two skills. This is what I was trained to do. I focus on what's this person's trying to say, like what's their message. And then more critically, how could I do a better job of making that point? I don't have to agree with their point. I am just trying to crystallize it.
And I don't even have to say this out loud. I just play this little game in my head. I'm thinking what's their point and how do I do a better job of making it as though I were in a debate and asked to like told that I had to argue why people should smoke. And I just have to kind of get behind that. All right. Then the other thing I do is I just repeat.
So I repeat the keywords they use and I copy their body language. If you just do those two things, you will slowly begin to understand and empathize. The copying is doing most of the work there for empathy because it triggers mirror neurons. I start to literally feel and experience some of what the other person is experiencing. That is fascinating stuff.
Again, it's just like if you ever are like can't sleep at night and you want to do like a black hole search on the web, just get into the research on copying or mimicry because that stuff is fascinating in how it's used in conflict resolution, the effect it has on people's attraction to each other. We are hardwired to copy when we like people and we want them to like us.
OK, we don't copy when we feel attacked and we distrust the person across from us. But if you do copy in those situations, interestingly enough, you will start to build bridges. So it's again about doing kind of this is there's a skill to this. You're kind of pushing back sometimes against your natural inclinations.
And I'm noticing in myself just this kind of closing up that I start to do and I do the opposite. Just experiment with that, with just those two. And I promise the ability to understand and empathize will come out of it. And then you can use those skills.
It is mindfulness. So these are two mindfulness skills. And so in these moments, I am really focusing on the other person, almost like that's the breath, right? Or that's the point of focus, is this other person. It's non-judgmental. That's the whole, like, what's their point and how could I improve upon it? Like, how could I sharpen it? I'm not judging the point. I'm not thinking of my rebuttal.
I'm not in my head thinking, what a jerk. Oh my gosh, what's this guy's problem? What's he trying to prove? If my mind is chewed up, like chewing on all that, I can't actually be nonjudgmental, much less like validate them.
Right.
So I'm going to say something a little controversial, which is that I think, I believe validation is more important than love in some sense. It is certainly as important. It's a conduit. So if you don't feel accepted or seen by your partner, what does it mean to feel loved by them? Like you can't really feel loved from someone that doesn't know you.
And I think that's why a lot of us end up in relationships that feel empty in ways we can't quite put our finger on. And often it's because we haven't been vulnerable, we haven't risked, or they haven't been vulnerable, or worse yet, we've been vulnerable and they responded kind of negatively to it. They didn't engage, they shut down, or in the worst situations, they were critical.
Okay, boom, learn not to do that again. And I really like this person, so I'm not going to do that again. So in romantic relationships, if validation isn't communicated frequently and regularly, it's really hard to feel a sense of deep intimacy or love. It's just what is it based on, if that makes sense.
Yeah. So when, and I work a lot with couples, but, and we'll do these assessments when they come in, you know, to kind of gauge the strength of the relationship. And one thing we ask about is kind of loneliness. Do you feel lonely in this relationship?
And when the answer is yes, I know one of the first things I've have to help them do is kind of develop these skills and then use them in communication with each other. Because loneliness is a symptom of not feeling seen, right? That's, that is the implication there.
Showing 241–260 of 364 · page 13 of 19
← Previous
Next →