Dr. Caroline Fleck

Yeah. It was one of the most kind of moving, insightful moments of my life. Really, it was. Like, oh, this is deep. Like, this is, there's something going on here. This is cultural. Yeah.

Yeah. It was one of the most kind of moving, insightful moments of my life. Really, it was. Like, oh, this is deep. Like, this is, there's something going on here. This is cultural. Yeah.

It's just like I almost get worked up because it's something I'm so passionate about. I think, unfortunately, most of us were raised on problem solving. When we came to our parents with a problem, they had a solution. Study more. Let's get you a tutor. Don't worry. You can try out next time. This kind of impulse to make it better.

It's just like I almost get worked up because it's something I'm so passionate about. I think, unfortunately, most of us were raised on problem solving. When we came to our parents with a problem, they had a solution. Study more. Let's get you a tutor. Don't worry. You can try out next time. This kind of impulse to make it better.

To fix. And unfortunately in the process, there's this subtle message that you shouldn't be feeling that way. Stop feeling that way. Okay. Not, it's totally valid that you're disappointed. I get it, man. I get it. Oh God, I remember being your age. Oh, I once failed a math test, but it was nothing compared to this. But like, and I couldn't even, my mom came and picked me up from school.

To fix. And unfortunately in the process, there's this subtle message that you shouldn't be feeling that way. Stop feeling that way. Okay. Not, it's totally valid that you're disappointed. I get it, man. I get it. Oh God, I remember being your age. Oh, I once failed a math test, but it was nothing compared to this. But like, and I couldn't even, my mom came and picked me up from school.

I was crying. I can't believe you made it through the day. We just, we're not raised on that. And so it's no surprise that as adults, when we make a mistake, we struggle to see the validity in our emotions, our reactions. We're not trained to do that.

I was crying. I can't believe you made it through the day. We just, we're not raised on that. And so it's no surprise that as adults, when we make a mistake, we struggle to see the validity in our emotions, our reactions. We're not trained to do that.

Well, there's a difference between recognizing an emotion, realizing it's valid, and choosing to regulate it rather than express it, right? So there are plenty of times where I'll feel sad, okay, about something. And I'll start going down that loop. You know, the story starts coming together of like why I suck and how I should have done something better. You know, it makes sense that I'm sad.

Well, there's a difference between recognizing an emotion, realizing it's valid, and choosing to regulate it rather than express it, right? So there are plenty of times where I'll feel sad, okay, about something. And I'll start going down that loop. You know, the story starts coming together of like why I suck and how I should have done something better. You know, it makes sense that I'm sad.

I was really looking forward to this. It didn't come through. This is upsetting. Right now, it's not going to be effective to focus on that. I'm going to feel worse if I draw more attention to myself. So how can I take care of myself right now? I probably just need to get through this. And then when I get home, I'm going to take a hot bath.

I was really looking forward to this. It didn't come through. This is upsetting. Right now, it's not going to be effective to focus on that. I'm going to feel worse if I draw more attention to myself. So how can I take care of myself right now? I probably just need to get through this. And then when I get home, I'm going to take a hot bath.

Yeah. Yeah. But there is this, there's not, we have this fear that if we recognize our emotions, they will overtake us and like, we'll just be at the mercy of them and express, you know, kind of falling apart all over the place. It's really the exact opposite. When you see the validity in your emotions, you stop wrestling with them. Okay. And you get to be the pilot a bit more.

Yeah. Yeah. But there is this, there's not, we have this fear that if we recognize our emotions, they will overtake us and like, we'll just be at the mercy of them and express, you know, kind of falling apart all over the place. It's really the exact opposite. When you see the validity in your emotions, you stop wrestling with them. Okay. And you get to be the pilot a bit more.

it's important to feel like you can regulate. So if you're going to get yourself to a place that you can't get yourself back down from, that's a problem. It's just not going to be constructive for you. And so knowing how to regulate pretty much determines the extent to which you should kind of wallow or not wallow.

it's important to feel like you can regulate. So if you're going to get yourself to a place that you can't get yourself back down from, that's a problem. It's just not going to be constructive for you. And so knowing how to regulate pretty much determines the extent to which you should kind of wallow or not wallow.

But in general, the interesting thing about emotions, I mean, they're called feelings because we feel them. If you just sit with the feeling, like whatever feeling you're feeling right now, if you just sit with it, this is part of self-validation. You first kind of notice the emotion, you label it, and then you just try and feel it as intensely as you can without feeding it the narrative.

But in general, the interesting thing about emotions, I mean, they're called feelings because we feel them. If you just sit with the feeling, like whatever feeling you're feeling right now, if you just sit with it, this is part of self-validation. You first kind of notice the emotion, you label it, and then you just try and feel it as intensely as you can without feeding it the narrative.

Like if you do that, if you just say, okay, I'm going to feel this as intensely as I can. Sadness, sadness, no story about why, just sadness, sadness, feel it really, really squeeze out that sponge. It will decrease. That is how emotions operate. They go up, it goes down. I know you're saying it's not going to decrease, Carolyn. It's not going to decrease.

Like if you do that, if you just say, okay, I'm going to feel this as intensely as I can. Sadness, sadness, no story about why, just sadness, sadness, feel it really, really squeeze out that sponge. It will decrease. That is how emotions operate. They go up, it goes down. I know you're saying it's not going to decrease, Carolyn. It's not going to decrease.