Dr. Caroline Fleck
speaker
364 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Caroline Fleck’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
Trend
recordings per month · last 12 monthsNo recordings in the last 12 months.Older appearances are listed below; set an alert to hear about the next one.
Appearances
In my house, that is just like the language we use because every single person, when someone comes to them with a problem or an issue or they feel bad, our inclination is to problem solve, like jump in with what they could do differently. You got to just tell your manager that he can't talk to you like that. That's just where we go.
And nine times out of 10, when people come to us with something, they're just seeking validation. They just want to know that they're not crazy. So that's what you need to provide. And yet... We don't do that. We attend to what we think we can fix. That's how we were raised. That's the culture we were brought up in.
So in those moments, if the other person can say, actually, I'm just seeking validation right now, it should be like a gear shift. So I'm a psychologist. My poor husband has to deal with living with a psychologist who, I know this sounds like, yeah, I'd be really good at validation. But I'm also like, oh, I see all the things that you should change. Like, mm, you're not thinking about that right.
Or like, mm, that's not quite right. And he'll often say like, OK, thanks. I just need validation. And that isn't offensive to me. I'm not I don't feel like he's criticizing me. It's just like, oh, shoot. I was like aiming at the wrong thing. Right. Like I need to like, OK, the dartboard boards over in the other direction.
And my daughter, like all the time, I'll say to her, do you want to do you want validation or problem solving? Like, mom, I didn't get into I don't like the camp that I'm in. I hate it. All right, do you want validation or problem solving? She says validation, then I'll go down that road. If she wants problem solving, then I'll say, OK, well, have you tried this? What about that? What about this?
And then if she starts giving me, yeah, but that doesn't work because of this and that, then I know she actually needs validation.
Yeah, I think there definitely can be. I think as parents, we're often equal offenders, although just women tend to pivot more quickly. They can see it, but they'll also often open with problem solving. The really interesting thing that I have found in my practice, so there's an emotional intelligence quality to some of this that you've hit at.
The higher your EQ, presumably the easier this would be. And that is and it isn't true. So oftentimes, I'll have couples come to me wanting couples therapy. And again, if it's a very stereotypical, perhaps more patriarchal relationship, the woman presents as more emotionally intelligent. And the male partner is just like, all right, well, this is what we need to fix.
And how long is this going to be? And what's your fee? When I start teaching them validation, though, The person who is more emotionally intelligent is like, yeah, no, I got this. Yeah, this makes perfect sense to me. And so they don't pay attention as much, take notes, and then practice. Their partner, however, if this isn't coming naturally, they do tend to try harder at it.
And at the end of, say, 12 weeks, the better validator tends to be the person who worked harder at it, more so than the person with a high EQ, which is really interesting. Just because you're sensitive, that doesn't mean that you're equally skilled at communicating that sensitivity in a way that resonates. And that's what these skills do. We've narrowed this down. This is a science.
We know how to convey that message really effectively. And again, just because you're emotionally intelligent doesn't mean that you've dialed that in. And so interestingly enough, yeah, I think it doesn't really matter how kind of problem-solving centric you are so long as you make... Now, if both partners were to try equally hard, yeah, the EQ person's going to come out on top. They will.
They just don't tend to invest in the same way.
So if you'd worked with me, what I would have said to you and taught you and what you would have internalized after me drilling it in over and over again, is that you need to ask yourself one question. Is this an opportunity for problem solving or validation? Should I respond with problem solving or validation?
If you're not asking yourself that question and you're just shooting from the hip, you're usually going to get it wrong because you're usually going to problem solve.
Yeah. And so this is and this isn't just in romantic relationships like this applies even at work, right, where it seems like problem solving should be the name of the game. Oh, such a mistake. Ask yourself, is this person seeking validation or do they actually need help here? All right? You can open with validation and then problem solve. There's nothing to say that you can't do both.
It's just in any one moment, you can only respond with one or the other. All right? And if all else fails, if you, in that moment, shoot from the hip and do the problem solving thing and she responds poorly, then that's your cue to validate. So although this is what I mean in that it is just kind of these are these strategies you kind of learn. To ask yourself and operate off of.
It's almost like an algorithm. Like it's pretty easy to kind of internalize with enough repetition.
Yeah.
Yeah, so when you're applying for grad school in psychology, you're supposed to talk all about like, you know, why do you want to be a clinical psychologist? And everyone talks about their like deep research interests and all of that. And I did too. And that was all bullshit.
Because the reason I went into clinical psychology is because I struggled with major depressive disorder from the time that I was 15 until about 26, 27. And it was hell. It was absolute hell. And in retrospect, I realized that so many of the experiences I had with therapists and mental health providers at that time were deeply invalidating. Like it did not feel helpful. It felt harmful.
Showing 301–320 of 364 · page 16 of 19
← Previous
Next →