Dr. Caroline Fleck
speaker
364 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Caroline Fleck’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
It's hard to feel seen. It's hard to feel connected, right? And I'm not saying that that explains all of the loneliness we experienced. But as a therapist, I can vouch for the fact that it was significantly harder. I had one hand tied behind my back. Because these skills that I've learned to rely on, I could not use. And that's hard. And that is something we sacrifice by being so online.
And if you think there's nothing meaningful there, I would challenge you to look at the research on kind of how folks who are online for hours and hours a day fare in terms of mental health and relationships. Yeah, it's not good stuff.
Or at the top, I see myself in you. That is real power.
When I look at you, it's like looking in the mirror. I see so much of my own experiences. I can relate so deeply to what you're describing. It's like we're one in the same. That's the moments you have, perhaps in self-disclosure, when someone says to another, hey, man, I'm also an AA. Right. Immediate. There's an understanding there. There's a sameness.
There's connection. And I would actually go a step further with how critical validation is. This sounds like controversial. I see that. But I think it is more important than love. I think you cannot have true love in the absence of having been and having consistently been validated.
If there isn't validation in the relationship, it's hard to feel loved. Because if you don't feel accepted or seen, what does the person love?
No, you can love a facade, but that doesn't feel good. I can, you know, create all these stories about myself and, you know, filter this and filter that and get all sorts of likes and praise, which is a positive judgment. Praise says, I like how you look or I like how you perform. Validation says, I accept you independent of how you look or perform. Okay.
In the absence of feeling seen, feeling accepted, it's hard to feel deeply loved. We don't, I mean, we haven't been vulnerable. We haven't shown ourselves or we have, and the other person has been like, whoa, that's weird. And we shut that down.
Right. And so they love the parts of us that we've shown or dressed up, but perhaps not the entirety of who we are.
Yeah. So the research on attraction is often with copying. So we are more attracted to people who copy us, which is like just if you're going on a first date.
Always try to, right.
Right, right, right, right. But like, don't be, you know, again, as I said before, I give myself just this little cute copy. That's it. Because if I'm like really dialed in on it, it gets awkward.
Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. But again, we're naturally wired to do this. And so if you just kind of remember it in a moment, that's sufficient.
Yeah.
That's right. We see it as almost a common courtesy.
But it is at a deeper level. And when it's used more intentionally to kind of establish connection, it can be used in those ways.
Yeah. The next level up is to say, is to show some degree of understanding. Right. And usually this is like logical understanding, cognitive understanding. I can see how you got there. Right. And there's a couple of skills here. You can do the, anyone in your shoes would feel that way. Right. Like anyone in your shoes would be probably anxious about this set coming together.
You can do anyone in your shoes. A way more effective way to do it is like, oh my God, yes, I would be so anxious to. Like, me too. If you think about going to a doctor and them saying, like, if you're like, yeah, I don't know, I think I might, I don't know if I should get a second opinion. You should absolutely get a second opinion. If it was my child, that's what I would do.
We're like, yummy, that feels good. There's this sense of like, okay, I'm valid. What I'm thinking is valid. It's reasonable. I'm not being dramatic. I'm not being X, Y, or Z. That's kind of what these understanding skills communicate. One of them happens to double as a Jedi mind trick. I've just got a word here.
Proposing.
Showing 61–80 of 364 · page 4 of 19
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