Dr. Caroline Fleck
speaker
364 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Caroline Fleck’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
It's such a good point, right? Like there doesn't have to be this stopwatch.
It was so validating. That was like really good proposing.
I felt that.
Nobody else sees it. Like, why doesn't anyone else see it? Like, you're not the same person. You're a different person, but you're not the same person.
Yeah. But you know what's so fascinating? Despite having written this book and knowing all this stuff, there have been times when my inclination has been to say like, no, honey, I am the same person. Okay. I love you just as much as I did before. And that is invalidation.
I love her more. Right. But me saying no, nothing has changed. I'm invalid. I'm dismissing her emotions.
And I have done that. And then I have followed up the next day to say last night when you said this to me, my knee jerk response was I haven't changed. And that is not fair to you. And I said that you must feel like you're grieving a parent that's still alive. That is some heavy stuff.
And I don't know how you're dealing with it. Mm-hmm. So you can screw it up in the moment, as I have and every single parent will. Yeah. But you also have those opportunities to circle back.
That's right. Because that's what I want her to do as an adult. I want her to circle back with people when she realizes, ooh, that was invalidating or that was unkind. The only way kids can figure that stuff out really is through modeling, by seeing it. That's it.
Well, the two are not mutually exclusive in the sense that people are more easily influenced by those that they trust. Okay. That is just a fact. If you trust that I understand what it takes to run this podcast and I'm the best podcaster in the business, you're going to trust my suggestions. You're going to be more likely to be influenced by me. Okay. So those two things kind of do go together.
Yeah. But influence is kind of a change agenda. Like I'm trying to push you in some direction rather than the acceptance of just what is.
Yeah. So it just kind of the one kind of bleeds out of the other, as I kind of described earlier with that one patient. It's this like, oh, my God, like I totally see where you're coming from. I totally valid. You know, this is all valid. I see you. And I think, you know, once that's, and I keep saying once that's landed and like, to me, it's really clear having done this a lot, there is a look.
You feel it. Yeah. There's a moment. And after that moment, then there's a door that opens and you can say like, but is there a better way for us to come at this? Yeah. You know, I'm, I think that if you had, okay, so I imagine if you could regulate, like if you could just bring down that intensity, you wouldn't have come at me so angrily, right? I think that's what we need to work on.
Oh, I actually just read this article about, there's this technique you can try called the mammalian diet. When you put your face in cold water and you come out, it drops your heart blood pressure and then you feel better, whatever. So then I, at that point I transitioned into, yeah, skill building.
Let's try this. Let's try that.
Yeah.
I'm doing well. How are you?
I am excited to be here.
No, no, common mistake, but that's not what we're talking about. We're also not talking about agreement, which I want to clarify upfront because a lot of people confuse validation. If I validate somebody, I must agree with them, which is not the case.
So validation communicates basically that you see the other person, you hear them, okay? If I was to give you the academic definition, we'd say validation communicates, first and foremost, it's a form of communication. It communicates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in a way that conveys genuine acceptance, okay? So it's just that feeling of like, oh, I feel seen.
Showing 161–180 of 364 · page 9 of 19
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