Dr. Emily Morse

speaker

388 appearances 3 recordings 3 series first heard Nov 2024 last heard 17 Feb

Dr. Emily Morse’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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recordings per month · last 12 months

Recordings per month over the last 12 months — 1 in all, peaking in Feb 2026 with 1.

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Dhru Purohit Show · Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy · 27 Nov 2024 podcast

So it is a curious consciousness with, what did you say, the Gottmans called it, a soft start? It's saying, you know, and it's curious, it's saying, so I hear that you don't want to talk about sex and it's really shut down for you. And I'm just wondering if we could, tell me more about that. What does it feel like to talk about sex?

I just don't want to talk about it and now you're making it a thing. Okay, yeah, it sounds like it's really, really, really, really painful to talk about it. I'm hearing you really don't want to talk about it. And I have some tools in here too, like that is that about, you know, like the Imago theory of listening. I mean, listening is so key in our relationships. Can you explain what that is?

Yeah, I can explain to it. It's really just the theory of it's a tool. But when you're talking to your partner about something, you repeat back what the question, what you heard them say. So let's say your partner says, I don't want to talk about sex ever. You're always pressuring me. Now, our first instinct might be like, I never pressure you.

But from a loving, curious, softer place, we can say, so what I hear you saying is that sex is not something that you want to talk about right now, and that it's not okay that I'm asking you. No, I didn't say that I don't wanna talk about it right now. I don't wanna talk about it ever. Okay, so you don't wanna talk about sex. What I'm hearing you say is you never wanna talk about sex. Okay.

Yeah, that's what I said. Okay. Well, could you tell me more about that? Could you tell me about what it might feel like to talk about it and say, yeah, I just, you know, I feel you are pressuring me again. So I hear you're feeling really, really pressured about this, you know, and there might even be like time to diffuse it. But what I'm saying is it just, you're repeating back what you hear.

Now, maybe you get to another place where they said, yeah, because maybe you have more, some more information. And they're saying every time, we talk about sex, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe that's what they say. So I hear you saying that every time we talk about sex, you feel like I'm criticizing you and doing something wrong.

Yeah, I do feel that way, and I feel really criticized and unsafe. Okay, so you feel unsafe. Yeah, you know, and then you'll realize that when you repeat back, it's much like therapy that someone say, well, it's not so much unsafe, it's just that, It doesn't feel right for us to talk about sex. It feels like if we have to talk about sex, that there's a problem in the relationship.

And now you're just gathering information. You're learning that your partner feels like anytime you talk about sex, there's a problem. Maybe they've even shared with you that in the past, someone tried to talk about it and it wasn't healthy. You know, so this might be the very first conversation. You don't have to come to a conclusion. It doesn't have to be the last time you talk about sex.

Remember, this is the first time you talked about it. And then you just thank your partner. You're learning more about them. And then you can, you know, bring it up again. If they really won't talk about it. I mean, again, it could be like maybe once a week, once a month. But eventually, hopefully, you're going to get to a place where your partner feels like this is just really an important topic.

I've just got to... And what you're going to see is probably there's some stress, trauma, or shame that's come up. Now... We don't have to be our partner's therapist either. If you feel like your partner is like, no, I'm not talking about it. Or I had some earlier trauma. This is where I highly recommend therapy. I think that every single person can benefit from therapy.

Every couple benefits from therapy. Every individual is going to benefit from therapy and just think of Therapy is like a second opinion on your life. I still think that some people think it's like something's wrong and it means we're going to break up. It's going to get divorced. No, it's really just like if you have a problem with your business, you're going to go to a business coach.

If you have a toothache, you're going to go to your dentist. If your car breaks down, you're going to go to a mechanic. If you're having problems in your relationship and communicating about intimacy or sex, you're going to go to a therapist. Our insurance covers it a lot of times, even if not, you can find a sliding scale.

I know you talk a lot about this in the show, but I just feel like for some of these really pressing issues, if your partner has shut down, and usually it is fear, which let me remind everyone is false evidence appearing real, that is fear, and a lot of us have it, that there's gotta be ways, if it doesn't happen through your conversation, that you can get some help so you can get to a place and move to the other side of the conversation where it gets fun.

Yeah, I think there's the high desire partner and the low desire partner. Right. That there's one and the low desire partner has all the power if you think about it. They're the one who's deciding, are we going to have sex? Are we not going to have sex? And if we're like shutting it down, the sex isn't happening. So usually it's the higher desire partner that is doing all of the initiating.

So yeah, initiating is a huge topic because, yeah, it's kind of our gateway to sex. And so if we're not comfortable with it, you know, I just want to remind people that initiating is a skill set. It is a practice. It is a skill set. I was very, I mean, the thing is, I am the expert. I've been doing this a long time, but I wrote this book and I do my podcast all the time to help.

I need to help too, because it's not like it's just, think about it like your health. You never just get to a place where you achieve your peak health and your mental health and physical, and you're done. And then you can go off and learn to play golf or something. No, Like it is an ongoing practice. So I have to learn. I have to remember with my partner, I haven't initiated in a while.

I'm going to make an effort. Because again, it's just, it's a skill set. We have to learn it. And what happens, why it gets so fraught is because think about it. If you have one partner that's always initiating, that's always deciding what's going to happen. And that means that if you're the one, you're the lower desire partner, not initiating, then you're the one who's saying yes or saying no.

So if you're rejecting your partner and saying no to them, it is a rejection. Even if it's because you were tired or it's been a long day with the kids or with work, they're still feeling not so great about it. They're still worried that like, did I do something wrong? Are you not attracted to me anymore?

So it's just part of that really healthy give and take in a relationship where I think you have to all learn to be a participant in the relationship. And that comes down to learning how to initiate and consciously thinking about it. We have to think about our sex life holistically. Again, there's so much around it. So learning to say, okay, I'm going to put it in my calendar.

I'm going to even ask my partner, because maybe you don't even know how to initiate, right? Let's say your whole life. And I have to say that... I'm not usually the initiator. I did say that in the podcast too. I'm not. And it's because maybe I was with more higher desire partners or being a woman to bring gender into this.

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