Dr. Ethan Kross
speaker
968 appearances
6 recordings
6 series
first heard Nov 2024
last heard May 2025
Dr. Ethan Kross’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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I think this uncovers one of the myths surrounding emotion regulation that a lot of us buy into, which is this idea that avoidance is always toxic. It is not. And the science now pretty compellingly demonstrate that that is not the case. There are times and places when strategically avoiding emotional triggers and cues can actually be quite useful. And I'll give you a couple of examples.
Sometimes, and I speak from personal experience, I will get triggered, an email, something really bothers me or a conversation with someone at work or, you know, I will admit sometimes it happens at home too. Shocker, sometimes I get into an argument with my partner or my kids.
And I've discovered that actually, right when those emotions are first triggered, sometimes the best attempt to work through them right there in the moment is not the optimal solution. A better strategy is to take some time away, whether it be a few minutes, hours, even days, and then come back to the problem later on. And when I do, I've got more more bandwidth. I can think more objectively.
I can relate to the other person if it's an interpersonal problem more effectively too. That's an example of using avoidance strategically, right? Taking a break to then come back. Sometimes I take a break and I find that the problem just melts away because I realized it just wasn't significant in the first place and I was magnifying it excessively. Now, of course, there are instances where
taking that time away, the problem just continues to surface and that can be a cue to engage more deeply. But the point here is that avoidance isn't uniformly bad. It is a tactic, a tool that when used strategically can be quite effective. And so that was just one insight that my grandparents' experience provided me. The broader one, and I'll throw it back to you, is
that there are just no one size fits all solutions when it comes to managing our emotional lives. I think we as human beings love the prospect of finding such solutions. There's something really seductive about this idea that there's a single tool or two you can use to be more emotionally fit, to be happier and more successful.
I get asked all the time, what's the one thing you do to manage your emotions? It's a question I can't answer. because there are no single solutions. Do you ever work out, John? We haven't talked about this before, but do you exercise frequently? I just went to the gym earlier this morning.
Okay, good. You're prepping up. And my memory of that podcast is that we're covering some different ground here, which is good. Let me ask another question about your gym experience.
Okay. So my last question, then I'll give you the punchline is when you go to lift weights, do you do more than just exercise your biceps with curls? Of course. Okay. Of course.
That's the kind of response I hope this book and conversations like the one we're having can help push people towards that awareness, that of course response when it comes to thinking about the tools we use to manage our emotional lives. The question should not be, what's the one thing you do to manage your emotions?
The question should be, as far as I'm concerned, what are the tools you use to manage your emotions? Depending on the goals that I have at any given point in my life, when I go to the gym, I'm doing a range of exercises. I may be doing some cardio, high interval training, calisthenics. I'm blending in different things because there are different components to physical health.
What we have learned is that the same is true when it comes to managing our emotional lives. Our emotional worlds are incredibly nuanced and the goals we have are not always the same when it comes to emotion management. So why on earth would there be one tool that all of us can benefit from? It just doesn't make sense and the science don't support it.
So that was another insight I got from Bubby and Papa. So they ended up being a, quite influential in my life and I wish they were here for me to tell them about it directly now.
Absolutely. And I think the fires are a great and tragic example of how important it is to be able to manage our emotions effectively for our own well-being and survival. You know, I was actually just in LA last week, and I had to evacuate on Wednesday evening. When I arrived, the fires weren't really raging at all, and they just took off. And I was able to see some of that devastation firsthand.
And It was tragic, and it was an inherently deeply emotional experience that required a lot of empathy, people banding together to support one another, but also the ability to manage some pretty potent emotional responses, sadness, fear, anxiety, in order to take action to protect oneself and one's loved ones.
Sadly, as I think this tragedy stretches out, we're going to need more help managing our emotions just given the amazing devastation that is occurring. It is a parallel to what we're talking about.
So Matt is just such an interesting character. He was a Michigan alum who, after graduating, became a SEAL, deployed, was a hero, came back, became a SEAL instructor, and then actually went to Harvard to get his leadership degree and was selected by the president of the United States to carry the nuclear codes or selected by whoever selects such an individual.
And so he has this just unbelievable personality. record of achievement. And for me, the first thing that came to mind when I heard about him before I interviewed him and became friendly with him was this guy must be a robot, right? Like emotions just don't enter the equation. given the kinds of extraordinary things that he has had to do.
And in our very first meeting, he swiftly dispelled me of that notion. And when a Navy SEAL of his level of accomplishment and physical prowess dispels you of something, you believe it very quickly. So I was very happy to change my mind. Essentially what he described was his experiences of emotions, both positive and negative, were vital to his success.
Not his ability necessarily to shut them down, but he described the emotions he experiences as information he acted on that was useful for helping him determine how he should respond to different situations. And these emotions that he experienced were present throughout his experiences.
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