Dr. Lindsay Gibson
speaker
515 appearances
4 recordings
2 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard 13 Jun
Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 2 in all, peaking in Jun 2026 with 2.
Appearances
Because when they pulled her into these interactions or things they wanted her to do for them, there was no exchange of energy like, she does it, they're grateful, she feels good about doing a good deed. Not at all. It's like, she didn't do it well enough. They need more. And she's a bad person because she's trying to set a boundary. And so it's...
always exhausting, it's always frustrating, and you never feel like you're doing enough. This woman that I'm thinking about, she was developing stress-related physical symptoms. It was like, okay, let's talk about the effect on your health. So, then you may bring up to the person, do you want to keep visiting them? Do you want to keep going over there?
And lots of times, that's the first time that thought's ever crossed their mind.
No, they really didn't. And so when they begin to get that idea, it begins to expose this whole arrangement that is implicit in the relationship, which is the parent gets to do whatever the heck they want, and that adult child is supposed to go along with it, or they're being a bad child. There's a moral obligation there.
That is not only implied, but explicitly stated that if I have a need, you should be there because you're my kid. I'm trying to get them to feel the cost of it to them, which oftentimes they have completely tuned out because they don't want to be a bad person.
Big topic. I think the book's ongoing popularity has been due to the fact that it said something about the cultural stereotype that we've had about parents for eons. Yeah. that all parents love their children. All parents only want the best for their children. All parents put their children first. Children can depend on their parents to be there for them when no one else is.
And I think people's actual experience many times with their parents, but with anybody in their life, is that these experiences stereotypes and these tropes don't match up with their emotional experience. And when there's, unfortunately, when there's a mismatch between a stereotype and what you're feeling inside,
Our typical response is to feel like we're off, that there's something that we're missing, that we're not doing right. Because how could I be having this feeling toward my parent when I know that they only want the best for me? Or I know, quote unquote, they really love me and they end up blaming themselves.
Absolutely, I think it's a danger. It's like, that is the problem with the categorizing part of our mind, period. Once we call something something, we think we know all about it.
That's because it's using the part of the brain that tends to be convinced that once it gets a name for something, it knows all there is to know about it, and it has no interest whatsoever in going back and adjusting its beliefs. Okay? So that's a real danger with anything.
On the other hand, though, if you think about in medicine, sometimes when you reduce and isolate out the operative factors, the most important factors, it gives you a way to not only recognize it but to control it. and to do something about it, to name it, to respond differently to it.
So it's a very valid point, David, but it is a point that is... You could say it about anything where you have an effective categorization that it oversimplifies and it leads to, you know, stereotyped or black-and-white conclusions that are not helpful.
I've just tried to moderate that by helping people see more of the big picture about why these people became emotionally immature, what they're trying to do with that kind of behavior and then what you can do about it.
Yeah, for emotionally immature people, your compassion will be weaponized because their egocentrism makes them determined to be the innocent party, for them to be the victim, and for you to put aside your needs in order to meet theirs. That's the deal.
The emotionally immature person will always frame a situation that you are not being sympathetic enough, compassionate enough, seeing it from their point of view, being sensitive enough. So, when I'm working with people who've been raised by people like this, I am always very careful
about pushing for any kind of compassion, forgiveness, any of those things that say, well, even though you have treated me badly, even though you have invalidated me and made me feel bad about myself, even though you have tried to control me and manipulate my emotions, I'm going to be empathic and feel for you. I don't think that's a moral high ground.
Now, I know that there was a period in sort of the psychotherapy world where I think it was mostly dealing with narcissists. This is years and years ago. You were kind of supposed to have compassion for what the narcissism was about, that it was a reaction to poor sense of self, tremendous shame.
And if you could understand that, you could sort of reframe that to yourself so that you didn't get defensive and so you could manage them better. But my goodness, it's like, is that really what you want to be spending your energy on? So when somebody expects that we should have compassion for them,
I don't support that with people because I think it's not good for them to continue to frame it that way. You don't have to hate and revile the person. I mean, I certainly agree with that. But I'm after neutrality. I mean, after getting along in the best way you can with a difficult person, if that's what you want to do.
But to expect the person then to go into that next step of compassion and forgiveness, I don't feel in a position to make the judgment that that's what a person should do.
Showing 461–480 of 515 · page 24 of 26
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