Dr. Lindsay Gibson

I think you could argue that. There's no way of getting around that you're boiling down this person that they love into a set of traits, and it calls them a name. It's pejorative. But when you say emotionally immature, it's not from the diagnostic manual. And although, yeah, it is a way of categorizing them, but it has a, to me anyway, it has a more explanatory kind of tone to it.

It doesn't, if you say your father is narcissistic, I get an immediate caricature of a narcissist. If I say, your father sounds like he may be emotionally immature, I don't know, there's a little bit of grace in that. But I can tell you, David, that a lot of people have a lot of problem when they first hear that idea about their parent.

It doesn't, if you say your father is narcissistic, I get an immediate caricature of a narcissist. If I say, your father sounds like he may be emotionally immature, I don't know, there's a little bit of grace in that. But I can tell you, David, that a lot of people have a lot of problem when they first hear that idea about their parent.

I've had people come in because of the book that once we get into the therapy part of it, they begin to hedge and balk at calling their parent that because they're just so accustomed to giving their parents the benefit of the doubt.

I've had people come in because of the book that once we get into the therapy part of it, they begin to hedge and balk at calling their parent that because they're just so accustomed to giving their parents the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, I think it's exactly the opposite. I think it really increases a person's sense of agency. Because what's really disempowering to them is the idea that I've been trying to interact with my parent using all the communication skills I know, using all the tact or the empathy that I know, and it doesn't go anywhere and we end up in a fight. So they feel...

Yeah, I think it's exactly the opposite. I think it really increases a person's sense of agency. Because what's really disempowering to them is the idea that I've been trying to interact with my parent using all the communication skills I know, using all the tact or the empathy that I know, and it doesn't go anywhere and we end up in a fight. So they feel...

The whole basis of a relationship with an emotionally immature person is that you often feel disempowered because they can't give either you or them the room to have you be understood. And when you realize that the reason that they're not listening, the reason that they don't seem to be responding to you is not because... you have poor communication skills, it's because they can't stand it.

The whole basis of a relationship with an emotionally immature person is that you often feel disempowered because they can't give either you or them the room to have you be understood. And when you realize that the reason that they're not listening, the reason that they don't seem to be responding to you is not because... you have poor communication skills, it's because they can't stand it.

They can't bear to be even mildly criticized. They don't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with that. And when you realize that, it's like, oh, this is not about my lack of skill or the fact that I get nervous around my parents. That's not the deal. And if I understand what's happening, I can change my behavior or I can change my responses because I understand what they're doing.

They can't bear to be even mildly criticized. They don't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with that. And when you realize that, it's like, oh, this is not about my lack of skill or the fact that I get nervous around my parents. That's not the deal. And if I understand what's happening, I can change my behavior or I can change my responses because I understand what they're doing.

Back to the Sopranos. I mean, those guys were like masters of this. You complain to them about something, and the next thing you know, they're telling you that you're a crybaby victim, and they didn't do anything to you, and you're being unfair, et cetera, et cetera.

Back to the Sopranos. I mean, those guys were like masters of this. You complain to them about something, and the next thing you know, they're telling you that you're a crybaby victim, and they didn't do anything to you, and you're being unfair, et cetera, et cetera.

I can guarantee you I never said the smell test thing.

I can guarantee you I never said the smell test thing.

No, but it's good. Yeah, it has really not come up. I mean, if I heard emotionally mature behavior being talked about, I think I'm enough of a scientist that I would mention that to them or ask them to tell me in more detail what seemed emotionally immature to them about that. Because that would make me curious. Like, they're referring themselves for this, and yet I'm not seeing that.

No, but it's good. Yeah, it has really not come up. I mean, if I heard emotionally mature behavior being talked about, I think I'm enough of a scientist that I would mention that to them or ask them to tell me in more detail what seemed emotionally immature to them about that. Because that would make me curious. Like, they're referring themselves for this, and yet I'm not seeing that.

But that's never happened.

But that's never happened.

If they would only say, tell me what you mean by that. That could do it right there. It would be the curiosity and the caring about what their child was expressing. Like just imagining that that might be that other person's truth. Like if you had a friend that came to you and said, you know, you really hurt me. You wouldn't say, hurt you? What about me? You would probably say, what do you mean?